Residual Feelings

He has continued to call me. A couple times a day. I continued to ignore his calls, but then last night I started to worry about whether or not ignoring his calls was a good idea. Once I have the papers signed and returned, I won't worry about this. And here's the other truth. I miss him. Hearing his voice was equally wonderful and terrible.

So last night I texted him that I was afraid that not answering his calls would result in him withholding the paperwork even longer. I'm acting like it's all about the divorce, but in reality it's 99% about the custody paperwork. Staying legally married doesn't scare me. Having my daughter's physical and legal custody in jeopardy? Now that is terrifying.

He called me immediately. He was driving, so he couldn't text me back. He said he would sign the paperwork and leave me alone, because obviously I don't love him as much as he loves me, bc I won't take him back. I didn't argue the point, as I know I love him much more than he'll ever love anyone other than himself. He said he didn't know how he'd see Gumball, given that we now live so far away from him. I said that I hope he figures out a way, and that if he wants to do it, he will. I offered to meet him about an hour a half closer to him, where my aunt lives.

The conversation tore me apart. He sounded exhausted, and sad. He never sounds that way. He's arrogant, cocky, and faintly superior sounding. I've never heard him sad or tired. He sounded defeated. It really broke my heart. I am controlling and codependent, but for fucks sake, I only ever wanted good things for him. I wanted his life to be better in every way. Even now, I hate to know he's suffering. It's a lot easier for me to think that he's happy, and to feel angry about it. To know how dead-end he has made his life, and to see how depressed he is, it hurts. He and I could have been happy together, and we both know it. And now we're both miserable instead. And he picked this.

I also realized that there are two scenarios in which I would take him back. Sick, I know. Don't be too mad at me, because neither will never happen. I wish I could stop seeing the million shades of grey in everything, bc then I would never have come up with these ridiculous scenarios.

1. When I'm super old, and he's slightly less super old. Since he's 7 years younger than I am. Maybe then we could be together.

2. If he were to leave his ex/current/whatever, get therapy, and be single for a couple of years. Figure out how this nonsense happened in the first place. If I knew he could maintain something for a significant period of time, I could trust him again. But this will never happen. It's like what I said about him seeing Gumball. If he wants it to happen, he will figure out how to make it happen.