Valentine's Day 2012

I gave myself quite a pep talk about today. Instead of reacting to an artificial, consumer-driven "holiday" I wanted to reflect on what happened one year ago today. It was a pivotal moment in my life. I closed on my house in VT one year ago today. Isn't this what everyone does when their so-called Valentine breaks their heart? Buys a house? Ha ha. I should frame this differently. A year ago today I got even more in debt. Whee!

Moving to VT has been bittersweet. I love my new friends. Such an amazing community of friends. I miss my MA friends too, though. I miss being with people who knew me when I had a functional brain, and when I was able to be myself without always worrying about and being attuned to Gumball. 

I like to memorialize special events in my life. I'm not very good at remembering dates, however. Makes any sort of memorialization kind of difficult. Let's be fully honest. I can't remember when I got married, either time. I never remember when Easter occurs.

Valentine's Day is such a charged holiday. Despite having been married for (hmmm, thinking, calculating, etc) 8 or 9 years, total, I can't remember having had any spectacular romantic festivities. At age 37, I guess I'm ok with this. When I was in high school, I tried to jump over a mud puddle on one Valentine's Day. I slipped on some ice, and fell, backwards, into the puddle. This exemplifies Valentine's Day for me.

It was hard to not feel even a little bit sorry for myself today, especially when other moms at playgroup were talking about their evening plans. I might have slipped into a funk of sadness this afternoon, when I was home, alone with my Gumball. It's even harder to feel sorry for myself when I know how miserably my former stepsons are doing. While I'm researching fancy, expensive private preschools for Gumball, the boys who called me "Mom" are living in a $40 a night hotel. I make Gumball lamb chops at least once a month, spinach cake muffins, and salmon. She gets probiotics in her milk, Vitamin D occasionally, and flax seed/avocado/fruit mush every morning for breakfast. What do my boys even eat, living in a hotel? This is something to be sad about. My boys lost all their stuff, when my ex lost their home, and then lost the trailer they moved into, and then refused to let them take anything with them. DSS was even called.

I would adopt these boys in one hot second, if I could. I'm not a great mom, but I try my best. I try really hard to always respect Gumball's wants and needs, and to provide her with a safe, healthy environment, where she can grow and develop at her own pace. I might not be the most fun, or the most playful, or the most creative. But I do my best. I really wish I could provide my former stepsons with the love, support, and stability that they desperately need. This breaks my heart. And not because I didn't get a card or flowers or whatever.

A Year Ago

A year ago today was the lowest I've ever been. I had just returned to my old house. The baby was waking every 2 to 3 hours all night. I was so scared, depressed, and exhausted, that I couldn't sleep at all. I was terrified to be alone. I thought my ex was going to show up unexpectedly, and murder me to take the baby. Why did I think this? I was insane. And exhausted. I was so scared, I got my neighbor to change the locks, and then I bought a big, expensive home security system. Still couldn't sleep. I was hungry, my hair was falling out, and I was so devastated.

10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.

I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.

A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.

Here are some old photos of my stepsons. Aren't they beautiful? They look so much like my little Gumball.