Namas... What?

I've been a bad, bad blogger. Dude, Christmas is a lot of work. And I had a birthday.

Something funny happened last night. In Zumba. My lovely, thoughtful new friend A turned to me in the middle of an excruciating dance routine, and said, "namaste." Or that's what I thought I heard. And I was confused. My friends and I? We're not really the "namaste" sort of people. Even my three friends who teach yoga. We're more the "hey, what's up?" type of people. Or maybe the "pass me a slice of pizza" sorts. Anyhow, I lean in towards A, and say, "WHAT? Did you just say namaste?" And she said, "no. I said 'is class almost over?'" I still chuckle when I think about it.

So yeah. Like I said, I've been very busy. In part, because Gumball's nanny took a week off. Not for fun. She had car problems. But it's always hard to be without help in the evenings. We've also transitioned from two daily naps to one. Gumball was on a decent two-nap schedule, but little by little, each nap kept getting shorter and shorter. Two 45-minute naps a day were driving me nuts. These days, we are aiming for one 90-120 minute nap, in the middle of the day. I know this stuff is fascinating. Being a parent is hard. I agonized over this decision, and just want to do what is best for little Gumball. But there's no clear, black and white manual of how to raise baby, or how to maximize sleep, and naps, and to make sure she's always happy and successful. It's a lot of pressure.

In the past two weeks, I've done a lot, not just counting changing Gumball's nap schedule. I also got some help from Nana, and picked up a Christmas tree.

This year's tree theme: pink and silver. Yup. No men in this house.

It's also cold, finally. I'm not thrilled about the cold, but I also get to see this. Not sideways. Hmmm.

And here are some other photos I recently uploaded.

Gumball Hippo

First Art Project

Second Art Project- I didn't even help!

With Big Duck

Measuring the size of her own head

Christmas Photo: Attempt 200000000000000

As I mentioned before, I also had a birthday. I didn't manage to have a date before this birthday, which made me a little sad, but the birthday itself was so much more than I had hoped. The day of my birthday, I got my hair cut and colored. No more zebra stripes! Yay! And Nana watched Gumball, so she had fun too. I even got to go to the grocery store alone. It doesn't sound like much, but the cards, calls, texts (ugh, except for the one from Gumball's dad) made me really happy. And the 80-something messages and wall posts from friends on Facebook- made my day. And on Friday, all my new friends got together and threw me a birthday lunch party. We had lots of kids running around, lots of food, and it was amazing. It really meant a lot to me, and will hopefully mark the start of a year filled with happiness, peace and love. I am very grateful for these friends.

A Year Ago

A year ago today was the lowest I've ever been. I had just returned to my old house. The baby was waking every 2 to 3 hours all night. I was so scared, depressed, and exhausted, that I couldn't sleep at all. I was terrified to be alone. I thought my ex was going to show up unexpectedly, and murder me to take the baby. Why did I think this? I was insane. And exhausted. I was so scared, I got my neighbor to change the locks, and then I bought a big, expensive home security system. Still couldn't sleep. I was hungry, my hair was falling out, and I was so devastated.

10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.

I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.

A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.

Here are some old photos of my stepsons. Aren't they beautiful? They look so much like my little Gumball.

Good and Bad

Today was Gumball's first birthday party. Not her actual first birthday, but close enough. It was a wonderful event. I invited friends and family, and rented a small pavilion in a local park with a pool. A good friend and her son came up from Massachusetts, and we all enjoyed pizza, sodas and cake- and a beautiful day. I was so happy to be able to share the day with my family and friends, and I was especially touched that Gumball's paternal grandparents and great aunt drove 3 hours to attend. And my aunt also drove almost 2 hours to be here. After so many disappointments, it made me so happy to see so much love being showered upon my little sprout.

My friend O made the cake. And lots of mini cupcakes. She is amazing.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Her name. Its not a big secret, I just don't want it to be google-able.

The baby was nervous at first, but then quickly warmed to her new family. I love them, and it means the world to me that they shared this day with us.

Great Aunt D

Grandma K and Grandpa R

As always, Gumball loved spending time with her Nana. I think she's trying to say "nananananana" even.

Aunt C (my dad's sister) and Nana

Little Miss Barfs-a-Lot WOLFED down an entire mini cupcake, like Ms. PacMan

Baby was also thrilled to see her nanny, T. I am so lucky to have found this remarkable and kind woman who is proud of Gumball's accomplishments and who cares about when she poops and what she eats.

Sweet, little Gumball was happy to spend time with mama too.

Note: "trendy" feathers in my hair. Kate Gosslin-like, or actually cool? I think I'm too old to know.

Opening presents

It was also lovely seeing my friend A, and her son. Gumball loved having a young, mobile playmate.

Super happy to have a friend catching a ride

Totally capable of managing two... ha!

   Then I came home and found out that my Massachusetts house, the one I am trying desperately to sell (and selling at a huge loss) had been broken in to and all the copper pipe removed. When I spoke with the police, they told me that for having caused tens of thousands of dollars of damage, the thieves would only get $50 for the pipes. I hope they choke on it. And, when they broke in, they used the toilet and didn't flush. Nice, right? Sometimes it seems like I am cursed.