Tender budding hopes...
Over. Then I stepped in poop.
Self-pity reigns, hard.
I've never been good at the haiku. Or dating.
He drove three and a half hours in a terrible snowstorm to break up with me in person. He said that his was going to have to spend more time caring for his dad, whose Alzheimer's is rapidly progressing, and that he feels stretched too thin. Too thin to be in a relationship with me.
Then, I negotiated. I told him that I would happily accept less. I would, from him.
Let's just stop. For one second. He broke up with me and I negotiated. Let that shit sink in.
Pathetic.
This guy is so sweet, so tender, and thoughtful. I will truly miss him.
I keep thinking several things. How much I miss him, and how I'm never going to see, or hear from him again. How if he cared for me with the depth and intensity that I cared for him, then he would have tried to make things work. And how much I fucking miss him.
Showing posts with label broken hearted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken hearted. Show all posts
Friday, February 1, 2013
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
A Final Lament
Today is the last day I am going to whine and cry about R. I am going to indulge myself today in the hopes that tomorrow I wake up with a clear, empty heart. Empty of feelings, good and bad, for him. Full of love and pride and hope for my sweet, smart baby.
He and I met through an online dating website. He lived 2 hours from me, and was 7 years younger. I was *not* interested at all. He told me I had a beautiful smile. I thanked him. Ever polite, until you abandon me and my baby and have twins with a whore who slept around with everyone and bragged about it. Then I stop being polite. I was drawn in by his clever writing, and good grammar. We emailed and instant messaged, texted and talked. One of the first things he wrote to me was that he didn't want to be hurt anymore. I had been single for over two years, but had just started to date. I was happy, in a job I loved and hated, had friends living with me, and looked good. I met him, and was neither impressed nor repulsed. I spent a weekend at his house. Sometimes he was funny and witty, and sometimes he was very reserved. I spent a day with him at work, driving his truck. I fell for him. And he told me he wanted to work things out with his "ex" wife. They weren't divorced, even though he called her his ex. I missed him but mostly moved on. I sent him a letter and a couple of emails... and somehow we got back together.
Right from the beginning, as soon as I fell for R, I was done for. I loved him so intensely. Being with him felt like being in the sun. Or breathing. It felt right. It wasn't perfect. It was real though, and I never lost myself in the relationship. I met his kids, and loved them. It was the family I've always dreamed of. We had less pleasant times too. No question about that. I have faults, and he has faults. I have never been so happy as when I was with him. I truly believed he and I could work out any problem. And I would have spent the rest of my life proud and happy as his wife.
But he left, and I never knew he was unhappy, never had a chance to try to do better. I would have fought hard for our marriage, and our family.
I am not saying everything would have been great, you know, if he had stayed. I'll never know. Probably I would have resented him for not helping enough. He always was lazy. I didn't mind it, as I am too tightly wound. Maybe I would have suggested therapy. Maybe I would have grown tired of him. Like he grew tired of me. I doubt it, but being a mom has changed my perspective, and I know I would have always put Gumball first.
But he left. In one phone call I lost my best friend, my husband, my stepsons, my family, my hopes and dreams and my heart. Literally from one instant to the next. I don't know how I survived the pain, that even now, almost a year later, makes me sick to my stomach and weak. I miss him so badly. I was so proud and happy to be his wife, and to start a family together.
Tell me these people didn't love each other. Tell me. Because nothing makes sense anymore.
He and I met through an online dating website. He lived 2 hours from me, and was 7 years younger. I was *not* interested at all. He told me I had a beautiful smile. I thanked him. Ever polite, until you abandon me and my baby and have twins with a whore who slept around with everyone and bragged about it. Then I stop being polite. I was drawn in by his clever writing, and good grammar. We emailed and instant messaged, texted and talked. One of the first things he wrote to me was that he didn't want to be hurt anymore. I had been single for over two years, but had just started to date. I was happy, in a job I loved and hated, had friends living with me, and looked good. I met him, and was neither impressed nor repulsed. I spent a weekend at his house. Sometimes he was funny and witty, and sometimes he was very reserved. I spent a day with him at work, driving his truck. I fell for him. And he told me he wanted to work things out with his "ex" wife. They weren't divorced, even though he called her his ex. I missed him but mostly moved on. I sent him a letter and a couple of emails... and somehow we got back together.
Right from the beginning, as soon as I fell for R, I was done for. I loved him so intensely. Being with him felt like being in the sun. Or breathing. It felt right. It wasn't perfect. It was real though, and I never lost myself in the relationship. I met his kids, and loved them. It was the family I've always dreamed of. We had less pleasant times too. No question about that. I have faults, and he has faults. I have never been so happy as when I was with him. I truly believed he and I could work out any problem. And I would have spent the rest of my life proud and happy as his wife.
But he left, and I never knew he was unhappy, never had a chance to try to do better. I would have fought hard for our marriage, and our family.
I am not saying everything would have been great, you know, if he had stayed. I'll never know. Probably I would have resented him for not helping enough. He always was lazy. I didn't mind it, as I am too tightly wound. Maybe I would have suggested therapy. Maybe I would have grown tired of him. Like he grew tired of me. I doubt it, but being a mom has changed my perspective, and I know I would have always put Gumball first.
But he left. In one phone call I lost my best friend, my husband, my stepsons, my family, my hopes and dreams and my heart. Literally from one instant to the next. I don't know how I survived the pain, that even now, almost a year later, makes me sick to my stomach and weak. I miss him so badly. I was so proud and happy to be his wife, and to start a family together.
Tell me these people didn't love each other. Tell me. Because nothing makes sense anymore.
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