Fall

I have been busy. Week two of no nanny. Zumba, two times a week, thanks to my mom watching Gumball. I've been unable to follow the steps in Zumba, but I enjoy it. I also enjoy my new friend, A, who makes Zumba much more entertaining. She's much better at it than I am, and I love her company. I royally suck at Zumba. Apparently, I no longer know how to dirty dance. Which is fine. I'll have no need to pelvic thrust ever again, I fear. Baby playgroups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I love the moms in the Thursday group. Really nice ladies. Baby music class on Mondays. This class is so ridiculous and horrible, I want to giggle pretty much throughout the entire (endless, tedious) class. Baby swim class on Fridays. Gumball has gone underwater multiple times! And my core ladies and babies are in the class. It's delightful.

I've received eight bazillion text messages and phone calls from Gumball's dad. He said he mailed the paperwork in today.  He begged me to take him back, and he'll never know how close I was to allowing that to happen. I miss him. Some have suggested that I miss the companionship, and the idea of the relationship. People who know and love me said this. I don't think it's true. I miss his humor, his laughter, his obsession with eating healthy and weight lifting. When I was pregnant, he made me breakfast in bed many, many times. Once, he followed a recipe for eggs florentine, and it turned out so awful, absolutely inedible. I choked as much down as I could, but I couldn't eat spinach for months afterwards. He bought me malted milkshakes almost every day when I was pregnant. I miss his plans, his certainty, and cuddling with him on the sofa. I miss playing scrabble with him. Losing, more often than not. Going for long walks. Kayaking. He was very special to me. Not the idea of him, but him, actually.

I said- please don't leave your kids. I tried to put him off a thousand different ways: I said I want more kids, I said he needed to pay me back the $6000 he owes me, I said I'd never support him financially again. And I said that I'm not moving. He begged and begged, but eventually said that he hopes I find happiness. I hope he does too. I think this is the final letting go. I hope to god he is a decent parent to Gumball, but I have no expectations.

I'm tired and sad, and a tiny bit hopeful.