Valentine's Day 2012

I gave myself quite a pep talk about today. Instead of reacting to an artificial, consumer-driven "holiday" I wanted to reflect on what happened one year ago today. It was a pivotal moment in my life. I closed on my house in VT one year ago today. Isn't this what everyone does when their so-called Valentine breaks their heart? Buys a house? Ha ha. I should frame this differently. A year ago today I got even more in debt. Whee!

Moving to VT has been bittersweet. I love my new friends. Such an amazing community of friends. I miss my MA friends too, though. I miss being with people who knew me when I had a functional brain, and when I was able to be myself without always worrying about and being attuned to Gumball. 

I like to memorialize special events in my life. I'm not very good at remembering dates, however. Makes any sort of memorialization kind of difficult. Let's be fully honest. I can't remember when I got married, either time. I never remember when Easter occurs.

Valentine's Day is such a charged holiday. Despite having been married for (hmmm, thinking, calculating, etc) 8 or 9 years, total, I can't remember having had any spectacular romantic festivities. At age 37, I guess I'm ok with this. When I was in high school, I tried to jump over a mud puddle on one Valentine's Day. I slipped on some ice, and fell, backwards, into the puddle. This exemplifies Valentine's Day for me.

It was hard to not feel even a little bit sorry for myself today, especially when other moms at playgroup were talking about their evening plans. I might have slipped into a funk of sadness this afternoon, when I was home, alone with my Gumball. It's even harder to feel sorry for myself when I know how miserably my former stepsons are doing. While I'm researching fancy, expensive private preschools for Gumball, the boys who called me "Mom" are living in a $40 a night hotel. I make Gumball lamb chops at least once a month, spinach cake muffins, and salmon. She gets probiotics in her milk, Vitamin D occasionally, and flax seed/avocado/fruit mush every morning for breakfast. What do my boys even eat, living in a hotel? This is something to be sad about. My boys lost all their stuff, when my ex lost their home, and then lost the trailer they moved into, and then refused to let them take anything with them. DSS was even called.

I would adopt these boys in one hot second, if I could. I'm not a great mom, but I try my best. I try really hard to always respect Gumball's wants and needs, and to provide her with a safe, healthy environment, where she can grow and develop at her own pace. I might not be the most fun, or the most playful, or the most creative. But I do my best. I really wish I could provide my former stepsons with the love, support, and stability that they desperately need. This breaks my heart. And not because I didn't get a card or flowers or whatever.