What She Ate

I can't remember a lot of things: hard and fast rules of capitalization, birthdays, epidemiology, what I was going to say next... but I do remember what I ate. I have a semi-photographic memory for what I ate. I remember the night after my first wedding/engagement party, we went to an Italian restaurant, and I had this steak with paté, cheese and tomato sauce on it. At the wedding/engagement party, I ate meatballs. This was in 2000. I remember what I ate when I turned 20. Olive Garden, cannolini. I guess I remember meals associated with special events. When I turned 35, R and I went out to dinner with some of my closest friends, D and L. We went to my favorite fancy restaurant: L'espalier. We did a tasting meal, and I didn't like anything. The foam tasted like beer. I was pregnant, and I didn't know it. Food was gross for a good 6 months.

Last night, I had a very sad dream about R. I dreamed I went to see him, and he ignored me. He and his_ whatever she is_ ignored me, and laughed at it. I was so sad when I woke up. I miss him. We could have been so happy together.

At breakfast, I had a piece and a half of cheese toast: gruyere on multigrain. Gumball had 1/2 a piece. Then mom came over. Gumball was delighted. We went to a local harvest festival. Lots of lawn sales and people with dogs. I've never seen so many dogs at an outing. Gumball is in love with dogs these days. Whenever she sees one, she goes "OG!!! Uff uff uff." She said that about 100 times today. Except when she was demanding I give her a felt ball. Then she said "DAAAAAAAAH!!!!" I bought the ball immediately, and nana was able to hide it before Gumball dropped it, or gave it to an Og. And I bought her something else, something totally awesome. I am so excited! I got her this: OMG OMG THIS THIS!!!!! It was $35. It's not identical to this- it has plastic mane, and no motion activated sounds. Thank goodness. I am overjoyed. I wish I could ride it. I ate a piece of spanikopita. It was so-so.

Then we came home, and we napped. And when we woke, we went to E & P's house. Their son, L, is just a month older than Gumball. Our other friends were there already. I brought hamburger, cheese, bread and cupcakes. We had a lovely dinner. I am so lucky to know these people. Everyday, when I am not alone, when Gumball and I laugh and talk and spend time with friends and my mom, I am so grateful. I am anxious about winter coming, scared that this winter will be a repeat of last. I know that is improbable. I am not going to be alone, every day, depressed, terrified, exhausted, insane. I am not going to lose 40 lbs in 2 months, and cry daily. I wish I could lose the 40 lbs though. I am not going to cry daily. Just when I watch any TV that has anything to do with babies. I have friends with babies here, and my mom, and I am going to be happy again. Today was a wonderful start.

Food and Love

Every time I cook something amazing, I still think about R. My ex, Gumball's dad. I think, "bet no one is cooking (insert delicious food here) for you, asshole." Not because anyone should be cooking for him, but because he doesn't cook. I have thought this recently about the world's best salad*, delicious grilled steak tips, and tonight: BLTs with mom's tomatoes and fried eggs. I cook 5 nights of the week. Or maybe 4? And at least half of those meals are delicious. I love whole grains, greens, and some protein. Kind of traditional. I try to eat pasta only once a week though, bc I never get full when I eat it, so I end up eating way too much of it.

So yeah. Tonight's dinner. So delicious.

Not only is this guy missing seeing my sweet little grub turn into a full fledged human, with a sparkling, wonderful personality, he is also missing out on some incredible food. I am looking forward to the day when Gumball can eat with me.

Gumball has been changing so quickly these days. She can, more than half the time, point to: pictures of babies, cats, dogs, cows and ducks. She can identify my and her: nose, mouth, ears and eyes. If I ask for a specific toy, she can go get it (within reason: Baby, Blue Guy, Kitty, Box, Ball, and a few others). If I ask for a book, she will try to get it (Pat the Bunny, Baby Faces, any of the Slinky Malinki series...). She only says 2 words clearly: mama, and duck. But she always says "day-day" for baby, there are a couple other "words" she knows. She's not walking yet, but she pulls up on everything, and crawls like a maniac. If I ask what a fish says, she makes fish faces, and she moos when I ask what a cow says.

He is missing all this: food, and baby. And me, of course. What a dumbass.



*Kale Salad (this is not my recipe. A friend's mom sent it to me.)

1 bunch kale

3 (or more or less, according to taste)  garlic cloves, finely chopped

1/2 cup finely grated pecorino or romano cheese, more for garnish

¼  cup olive oil

Freshly squeezed juice of 1 lemon (or ¼ cup jar lemon juice)

1  teaspoon kosher salt

1/8 teaspoon red pepper flakes

Freshly ground black pepper, to taste.

1.    Trim bottom 2 inches off kale stems and discard. Slice kale, including ribs, into 3/4-inch-wide ribbons. You should have 4 to 5 cups. Place kale in a large bowl.

2.    Chop the garlic until it is finely chopped in the food processor or a blender.  Then mix in the lemon juice and oil and whirl it really fast until it makes a sort of thick dressing.   Mix the pepper flakes, salt and black pepper into the dressing when it is done.  Then take that dressing and mix it into the kale by hand.  Last, add the cheese and mix that in by hand.  Dressing will be thick and need lots of tossing to coat leaves).  .

Yield:  4 servings. Or 1, if you invite me over.

TIP:  After you have made it a few times you can vary the amount of garlic or cheese to your taste.