A Vacation of Firsts

Dear Gumball,
Please don't read this section until you are old enough to understand that your mama is human. Frail, petty, weak, lazy, lustful, willful, and selfish- but trying her best to be the best mom in the universe to you. I try to be a better person every day so that I can lead you by example.

Just... not during this vacation. Not exactly. I do hope that you embrace life though, and that you, like me, devour new experiences with gusto and passion. Just don't read this yet, ok?

Thank you.

You loving, very human, Mama.







My trip to New Orleans was amazing, and it was also a vacation of firsts. In particular: my first grenade while walking up and down Burbon Street, my first strip club and accompanying first lap dance, and my first date while on vacation.

Can you believe that I was only in New Orleans for 3 days and 3 nights? We filled every moment of that trip with amazing meals and experiences.

Going to a strip club was different from my expectations.  I expected, first and foremost, big boobs. Nope, no big boobs. I thought the dancers would wear one pair of scanty underwear, but they wore two. Why? I'm not sure. Some of the men were as gross as I had expected, and some of the dancers seemed high, disinterested, and mechanical- which I expected. Some of the women were sexy, sparky, and full of personality- which was really surprising and enjoyable to see. Getting a lap dance was quite an experience. True to form, we spent the first several moments just chatting. Then she danced for me, in our private room, and rubbed up against me. It was pretty lighthearted, but still erotic. I'm still up in the air about how getting a lap dance fits in with my feminist ideals, but it was a fun experience nonetheless.

Then my date. When we went to Delmonico, one of the waiters was particularly charming and, honestly, hilarious. He insisted that we order the best dishes on the menu, and when I wanted to stray from his suggestions with the salted caramel bread pudding, he informed me that I could go ahead and order it, "if I wanted to be disappointed." He made me laugh. When my lovely companion went to the restroom, he came over to the table, and I asked if he wanted to see a photo of my beautiful daughter. He did, and we became Instagram friends. I know. Modern flirting at it's best. I asked if he had any children, and he said no. Was it the sangria that made me respond, "would you like to? We could have a baby together." Yes, dear friends and readers, I am off my fucking rocker. So is he, apparently, bc he laughed, smiled, and gave me his card, with his cell phone number. I asked if he was busy later... and the following evening we all met for drinks.

We had one particularly enlightening and entertaining exchange. I asked how old he was, and he told me that he is fifty. I was completely shocked, bc I've never been so attracted to someone so, well, so old. Plus, he looks much younger, whatever that means. So I demanded to see his drivers license. I looked at it, and he was born in 1962. Which really isn't so far away from my mid-1970's birth year. In my drunken state (those milk punches went down awfully easily,) I said the first thing that came to my mind. "See! I told you that you weren't fifty. You're just a little older than I am!"

That entire sentence is a complete lie. He is fifty, and I am, GASP, thirty-seven. Or, as I now like to think of it, almost fifty.

WTF. I am old! When did this happen?!?

So yeah. New Orleans. Best meals of my life, wonderful travel companion and friend who made every discovery a delight, lap dance, and an interesting, vexing, and terribly sexy new fifty year old friend. Who, by the way, I've been chatting with since I left. I hope I get to see him, and the fabulous, enchanting city of New Orleans, again.

Date Two

E and I had our second date yesterday. Supermoon, walking by the lake, holding hands, kissing, dinner, etc. I came home with my bra in my purse but have managed, somehow, somewhat, to keep my vow to not become intimate until in a committed, honest relationship. I really like her. I like how she treats me, and how she makes me feel. I am _NOT_ rushing to making any promises, or declarations, or commitments. But it is lovely to enjoy having these feelings again. Positive, euphoric, day-dreamy feelings.

We also discovered a crazy coincidence. I may have met her grandparents. They have a house on the island where I lived as a child. We know many of the same people. Which is completely insane and mind-boggling.

Beautiful

One of my dearest friends is almost 80. She was my neighbor in Massachusetts. A kind, thoughtful, generous person. And incredibly feisty. When I was getting my Master's degree, I would come home to find a homemade chicken pot pie on my doorstep. She was the sort of neighbor who turned into family. In a good way. When I moved to Vermont, she came with me and helped me for 2 weeks. She constantly sends Gumball gifts, and is truly one of my best friends.

Her kindness is not to be confused with being passive. She's far from passive. She's a matriarch, and has opinions and judgements about everything. When we go shopping, she occasionally takes things out of unattended carts.

Today I told her about my date. I knew already that she's a big supporter of gay rights; but I wasn't so sure how she'd react to me having a date with a woman. Her response was so joyful and uplifting to me. She said that she just hopes that I meet someone who loves me and treats me well. And that it doesn't matter to her if it's a man or a woman.

All this from a woman who grew up cleaning houses when she was a kid, never having new shoes or clothing, who never went to college, and who has lived her whole life in a small town outside of Boston. I expected so little, and was treated to a beautiful gift.

And I am really looking forward to my next date with E on Saturday.

May Day 2012

Sometimes it's best to share the shame.

I did it.

I bought tummy control exercise pants. After carrying a 9lb 14oz baby, and having a c-section, I was getting afraid that my gut was going to bounce free in Zumba class, and knock someone out. It came close to bouncing free many times, and holding up my exhausted stretch pants was getting tedious.

At least there is enough of a market for this sort of product so that I, and other flabby bellied women, can be well-supported during exercise.

In other news, I went on another date. It was great. She was thoughtful, sweet, and cute. And 29. I thought I swore off dating people so much younger than I am, but I may make an exception. She has the tiniest little doll hands that I have ever seen on an adult. She held doors open for me too. We're supposed to go out again on Saturday. I'm nervous; she seems wonderful, but has one terrible flaw: she seems to like me. Not quite sure how to deal with this.

Unique

I am unique.

I am the only person who has ever had a date that was so amazing, so incredible, that he had to move out of state to avoid having a second date.

He sent me the nicest text message today, explaining all of this, bc he felt that he "owed me an explanation." He has to come up here to see his daughter, but until he can find his own place, living in VT is not going to work.

I am still keeping 2 fingers crossed that I see him again.

A Funny Anecdote

Tonight, when I was getting Gumball ready for bed, she asked me for baby's brush. I looked, but couldn't find it. So I asked her, "how about Lila's comb?" as I handed it to her. She looked at it thoughtfully, handed it back, and said, "how about baby's brush?" With attitude.

Things have been good. I've been cooking, eating well, and enjoying myself.

One thing hasn't been so good though. After the terrifically fun date, and a nice conversation the following day, I haven't heard back from my date. Wednesday will be a week. It's Monday now. I am trying to be patient, but I really want him to call. I'm a bit disappointed about this. We had good chemistry, I thought. Maybe I have no idea what good chemistry is anymore.

In other news, it seems that although my divorce and Gumball's name change (from his last name to mine) are official, getting paperwork certifying this is turning into quite the challenge. Can't this part of my life be done already?

Signs of an Eminent Apocalypse

Something's kind of fishy around here.

I'm not at all sure what happened, but maybe the Mayans were on the right track. Is the end nigh? The following suspicious activities occurred:

1. (With help) I reorganized my closet.

2. Gumball took a 3 hour and 15 minute nap today.

3. I went on an amazing date last night. With the owner of the hilarious, clever profile. And it was wonderful. We had a beer, ate some fried mushrooms, talked, flirted, and kissed. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Signed
- Happily waiting for the damn asteroid

Namas... What?

I've been a bad, bad blogger. Dude, Christmas is a lot of work. And I had a birthday.

Something funny happened last night. In Zumba. My lovely, thoughtful new friend A turned to me in the middle of an excruciating dance routine, and said, "namaste." Or that's what I thought I heard. And I was confused. My friends and I? We're not really the "namaste" sort of people. Even my three friends who teach yoga. We're more the "hey, what's up?" type of people. Or maybe the "pass me a slice of pizza" sorts. Anyhow, I lean in towards A, and say, "WHAT? Did you just say namaste?" And she said, "no. I said 'is class almost over?'" I still chuckle when I think about it.

So yeah. Like I said, I've been very busy. In part, because Gumball's nanny took a week off. Not for fun. She had car problems. But it's always hard to be without help in the evenings. We've also transitioned from two daily naps to one. Gumball was on a decent two-nap schedule, but little by little, each nap kept getting shorter and shorter. Two 45-minute naps a day were driving me nuts. These days, we are aiming for one 90-120 minute nap, in the middle of the day. I know this stuff is fascinating. Being a parent is hard. I agonized over this decision, and just want to do what is best for little Gumball. But there's no clear, black and white manual of how to raise baby, or how to maximize sleep, and naps, and to make sure she's always happy and successful. It's a lot of pressure.

In the past two weeks, I've done a lot, not just counting changing Gumball's nap schedule. I also got some help from Nana, and picked up a Christmas tree.

This year's tree theme: pink and silver. Yup. No men in this house.

It's also cold, finally. I'm not thrilled about the cold, but I also get to see this. Not sideways. Hmmm.

And here are some other photos I recently uploaded.

Gumball Hippo

First Art Project

Second Art Project- I didn't even help!

With Big Duck

Measuring the size of her own head

Christmas Photo: Attempt 200000000000000

As I mentioned before, I also had a birthday. I didn't manage to have a date before this birthday, which made me a little sad, but the birthday itself was so much more than I had hoped. The day of my birthday, I got my hair cut and colored. No more zebra stripes! Yay! And Nana watched Gumball, so she had fun too. I even got to go to the grocery store alone. It doesn't sound like much, but the cards, calls, texts (ugh, except for the one from Gumball's dad) made me really happy. And the 80-something messages and wall posts from friends on Facebook- made my day. And on Friday, all my new friends got together and threw me a birthday lunch party. We had lots of kids running around, lots of food, and it was amazing. It really meant a lot to me, and will hopefully mark the start of a year filled with happiness, peace and love. I am very grateful for these friends.

Halloween and Then Some

First and foremost, I will start this entry by recounting the weeks of festivities surrounding Halloween. And I thought college students made the most of the holiday. Well, Oberlin College students do, at least. Yeah, well, they have nothing going on compared to babies.

Gumball and I, and two mom friends and their four (combined) kids went trick or treating eight days before Halloween. It was fun. I really enjoy these women. Not so fond of my pants. Dear god, do I really look this awful?

Continuing the fanfare, I accidentally celebrated Halloween several days early at playgroup. I'm not naming names, but someone (AHEM!) told me that everyone would be dressing up. So I dutifully stuffed Gumball into her duck costume. Again. And went to playgroup, where she was the only one in costume. Awesome. At least SHE is too young to be embarrassed.

Gumball had two outfits to wear on Halloween day. A daytime tutu and shirt. 

And, you know. The damn duck costume. For night. Again. At night, she also had her friend Kitty with her. And Little Dada, her babydoll. I was pleasantly surprised by how much the kids enjoyed trick or treating. We only went to four or five houses, but Gumball (Duck) and Kitty were smiling and chatting the entire time. I was certain she'd scream and cry, but I lucked out.

 Since I'm sharing photos, I'll share my favorite from my lovely friend C's visit. Last time I saw C, about two years ago, she was engaged. At this visit, I got to meet her charming and thoughtful husband, and their adorable baby. Gumball was a little obsessed with the baby. She basically spent the entire visit staring at him, and rocking him, while he was in the baby rocker. Later on, she enjoyed "being the baby" and rocking in the rocker. What a ham!

Other recent fun events involved a trip to Walmart. It was fun because they have double carts. And the kids didn't mess with each other at all.

 

 I'm doing well. I've received a few texts from Gumball's dad, but even though I miss him, I'm just not able to trust him. He doesn't understand how I can miss and love him, but be completely unwilling to take him back. He must have a piece missing. More to the point, these days, I'm trying to pay more attention to actions. Actions over words. And I really have moved on. Want to know how much I've moved on?

That's right. I joined a dating site.

It's true.

I don't feel like I want anything fast or serious, but I have been exchanging messages with three very interesting people. I may have even suggested a date with one of them.

Back to my goal of having a date while I'm still 36. Seems like it may actually come true.