Going Public

I think I am going to bite the bullet.

And share the link to my blog with my friends. I've linked to a few blogs my friends write. But not all the blogs I link to are written by friends. This sounds like one of those weird SAT questions. Conditional statements. Yuck.

Anyhow, one of my friends found the blog this way. (_Waving and grinning_ shouts "Hi S!!! HI HI HI.") And my new friend, A, found it too. HI HI HI! Hope you don't mind being written about! You're awesome, especially for looking away when I teared up. I'm so glad we met! When is Zumba going to make me skinny?

I know there's a lot of personal stuff here. Its probably self-indulgent drivel, so indulge me. It makes me feel better to write it down. I spend a lot of time alone, and I don't love chatting on the phone. I don't cry when I write. Indulge me please, and don't judge me too harshly. I'm pretty sure I've spent most of the past 13 months wondering how in the fuck I could ever have been so stupid. I kind of know how I got here, if that makes any difference. I wanted a family, a big one. Stepsons lured me in. And I loved R so much. And I wanted my own baby, and a big family more than anything else in the world. So here I am.

I also hesitate to share this bc I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I got myself into this mess. I have to get myself out of it. Lots and lots of people have helped me. Lots have made me smile and laugh, and have kept me going, even when I could barely put one foot in front of another. I am an ingrate, and should be writing long, in depth odes to the friends who saved me. Did I ever mention that D and S wrote me almost every single day for months? Enduring my insane questions about how to actually bathe the baby (it took me 4 weeks to get up the courage. Don't judge. I bathe her plenty now.) And D promised me friendship and company if I left my entire life and moved back to VT- and she's made good on her offer, introducing me to friends, involving me in her life. I am so grateful. Did I mention that my dear friend J battles stage 2 breast cancer, enduring months of chemo, and daily radiation, and still manages to call, text and regularly check in to see how I am doing. I could hang my head in shame, bc she is such an inspiration. Hee hee, if she reads this, she will be furious with me for calling her an inspiration. And S and S, both who have busy jobs and kids, but visited me and called me, and texted... I owe them too. C stayed at my house many nights, when I was so scared and depressed that I couldn't breathe, let alone sleep. She gave me a reprieve from constant anxiety and fear. And I am so grateful to my mom. I can't even say everything she has done. Words aren't sufficient. She saved my life. All the women I know called, and wrote, and sent gifts to Gumball, and made me feel loved. I owe my life to my friends, and my daughter. And I hesitate to share this bc I don't want to forget anyone or make anyone feel bad. I am so grateful to all of you. You have no idea.

Well, I am crying now. So grateful. I'm come so far, and still have so far to go. I may not be the best judge in (second) husbands, but I have the best, kindest, smartest, most loving, most beautiful friends in the entire world. I love you all so much.