This is My Life

I haven't been writing much lately.

Online dating is serious work. And seriously depressing. I'm on Match and OKCupid. I've written between 150-200 people. If anything, that's an underestimate. I've heard back from maybe 20.

It's ok, though. I have a huge crush on someone I met. He smells like candy, tastes like sunshine, and makes me feel dreamy. He also has a girlfriend.

Well, had a girlfriend.

Either way, this guy is never going to love me, and I'm a dumbass for wanting him. Like usual.

Out with the Old, in with 2012

I am _very_ tired of having to go upstairs multiple times after putting Gumball to bed, just to make sure she hasn't pooped herself. She won't cry if she has, she'll just sit there and play, in the dark, for an inordinate amount of time. Tonight she played for 35 minutes, I went up to check, and she was fine. Clean. I reminded her to go to sleep. Grrr...

But now, when I say, "night night, Gumball," she says "night night, Mama." It is incredibly sweet. So sweet, in fact, that I don't want to put her in her bed. I just want to hold and cuddle her, and hear her say, "night night, Mama" over and over again. It's much better than her other phrases. Like "A-choo Dada" (fake sneezing) and "I need Bobo!" (I Need Bobo is an amazing, cute book. That Gumball loves.)

Well, 2011 has been one hell of a year. I moved, bought a new house, got divorced. Gumball had a birthday. I made wonderful new friends. Apparently I lost some old friends too. It makes me so sad that some people I thought I was close to decided to end our friendship. Or didn't decide, exactly, but simply stopped returning my calls, texts, and emails. Lame. 2011 makes me wonder about people.

I hope 2012 is better. I hope I go on one date, at least. I hope I can lose some weight, get back on anti-anxiety medicine, and see more of my friends. Make it out to Seattle, Lakeville, Chicago, Atlanta, and Boston. To see all my friends who I miss so much. I hope Gumball's dad decides to be a positive and consistent figure in her life; or nothing at all. I can't wait to see how Gumball grows and changes. I am so excited to hear her new words and sentences.

So friends, Happy New Year. I wish you all a 2012 full of peace, love, joy, lots of free time, easy and rewarding weight-loss (or gain, if you're so inclined), delicious, home-cooked meals, socks always matching up after being dried, inexplicable yet arresting washboard abs, and good health.

I leave you all with this silly anecdote. I thought my window washer fluid in my car was low. So I forgot and forgot and eventually remembered to buy more. I wanted to fill the washer fluid tank, but I forgot how to open the hood of my car. (Don't judge 'til you have a baby, haters.) I read the manual. Filled the tank. Started the car. No washer fluid in the rear window. Then I pushed the lever back, instead of just twisting the lever-handle. Yup. It worked.

Moral: Having a baby makes you dumb. Really fucking dumb. It's amazing I still know how to breathe. That said, every day I learn more, remember more, and get a little more or myself back. Fuck you, 2011. I'm done with tears and doubt. Welcome, 2012.

Finger Foods and Heartbreak

Older photo- totally unrelated to topic, but so sweet. 3+ months old.

Now that my little Gumball is almost 10 months old, I'm trying to encourage her to eat more finger foods. By "finger foods" I mean something other than mush. Gumball loves her mush. But someday, I hope she'll be able to eat real food. She still gags and barfs if something goes down the wrong way, but she is very excited about the little nuggets of food I give her. Since the mushes, both store bought and homemade, are somewhat sweet, she seems especially excited about salty (well, not sweet) finger foods.

The finger foods I've given her are usually soft and mushy. The foods she prefers are:
- Cheese
- Chicken
- Scrambled eggs
- Garbanzo beans
- Hummus
- Orange slices

She's also had, and tolerates:
- Steamed (well done) asparagus
- Creamed spinach
- Beef (hamburger and tiny pieces of steak)
- Kiwi
- Sweet potato
- Puffs
- Baby Mum Mums

Scrambled eggs are her favorite, I think, and mine. She eats about 1/2 an egg before getting bored, and wanting mush. 

We're still at the point where I have to put each piece of food into her mouth, but maybe someday she'll feed herself. The baby is not very food-motivated, which is something I entirely don't understand. How can a portly food-lover like myself have an infant who doesn't ever seem to want to eat. Rat baby's friend, L, is a champion eater. Today he grabbed some scrambled eggs in his little fist and tried to feed my sweetie. It was adorable, and really touching because he loves food so much. He's such an adorable and sweet kid.

8+ months old

Loves her Nana MUCH more than Baby Mum Mums

In other news, I got a text from Gumball's dad yesterday. He said, "I'm sorry that I wasn't a better husband. I take some small comfort in knowing that you are better off without me." This is the fourth or fifth text I've received from him since he left. I'll never answer him. He has never asked about the baby. That's all I hear. No questions about her. As far as I'm concerned, his words are meaningless. He is obviously broken. The baby and I deserve so much more. I still miss the person I thought I knew, who I thought would be with me forever. But this guy, who left my house and moved in with his ex-wife (you know, the classy and intelligent chick who got a tattoo two years ago on her back- that says "PROPERTY OF Ex-boyfriend's name,") I don't know him. I miss his kids so, so badly. I almost can't think about them, because it hurts so much still. I do hope my girl gets to know her two brothers. They're still some of the nicest, sweetest kids I've known. I'll never do anything to stand in the way of her having a relationship with her dad. So far, he hasn't shown any interest in her, which cripples me, but maybe someday. I will put my hate, confusion, heartbreak and anger aside, if he ever decides to be a dad to Gumball. If he continues his trajectory, I will fill her life with so much love and happiness, she'll never know what she's missing. All I want is for her to be happy.