Life Continues

Sad text messages have been exchanged. I have stayed fast to my vow: to not take him back, ever. I have been kinder than I thought possible. I said what I had to say, but tried not to harm him, or his children in any way. Or our child. He's such a small, hurt, scared person on the inside. Not that he's ever admitted this. But I know him, just like he knows me. Over and over I have said, "work on your current relationship." Breaks my heart. He knows me, and knows my hopes and fears, and said pretty much everything I'd ever hoped to hear. But a year too late. There's no trust left, and very little respect. Almost none. I miss him, terribly, but I keep remembering that at home, he has 2 infant daughters. And two young boys. I couldn't be the person to encourage him to leave them. Furthermore, while I spend every evening alone, and sleep alone, and endure lonely, quiet weekends, he is surrounded by people who love him. I cried, suffered, didn't sleep, and was scared and sad and lonely. While he was both building and creating new lives with his ex.

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I looked at her facebook page. The day he and I spoke, her status was that she was so grateful to be with her best friend, her rock, and that she didn't know what she'd do without him. Yuck. The same day he begged me to take him back.

He's called and texted, and I'm just trying to be ok, and not engage. Takes a lot of effort and energy, that I just don't have. I need him to sign our divorce, and more importantly, Gumball's custody papers. I will relax a little when this is set.

I'm sad. This is really wearing on me. At Zumba on Tuesday, I couldn't kept track of the steps and was constantly turning left when everyone else was doing something else. Frustrating. I heard an Adele song that a friend said reminded her of me, and I cried. My sorrow is very close to the surface these days. Please no one ask me why I moved here. I miss him so much. The only way I've made it this long without him was by telling myself that he was dead. Hard to do when he's texting and calling.

One thing that did strike me funny is that he was confused about why I didn't want to be friends with him, when I am friends with my first ex-husband. My first ex and I worked on our relationship. Hard. When things failed, we pushed on. We went to couples counseling for a year. When we decided, mutually, to split, we were sad. But we worked to preserve our friendship. R didn't understand any of that. How could he?

On a happy note, Gumball has been amazing. All of a sudden she is saying things all the time. I don't even know when or where she learns them. She neighs like a horse. She says up, neck, eye, nooooos (for nose), up, hat, milk... I don't want to repeat my previous list. She's awesome. And she's funny. I read a book, "Llama Llama Mad at Mama" and when I read "cough" she fake coughs. When I read "car" she goes "brrrrrrrrr brrrrrr." When I say "mama" she says "mama." And when I read "goodbye" she waves. I am astounded by her comprehension. The other day she put her toy kitchen's potholder on her head and kept repeating "hat, hat, hat." Cracks me up! She also learned how to spit out food. Not quite so charming. She's getting a 7th and possibly an 8th tooth too. And maybe more, but now that she has a ton of teeth, I'm less excited to put my finger in her mouth to feel around.

Very busy, lots of cooking, seeing friends, and baby activities. I'll be ok. A good night's sleep would help. Hahahahaha! Guess Gumball didn't get that memo.