If I was surrounded by loved ones, I would be spilling my guts every single day. Instead I write to strangers. I haven't shared the presence of this blog with anyone who knows me yet. That's because I'm not divorced yet. Most of my friends don't even know I moved. They're probably done wondering why I haven't returned their calls and texts. I just need the divorce to be finalized and custody settled. Then- who knows? Maybe I'll share it, or maybe not.
I got another text message from Gumball's dad. It said, "are we ever going to talk again?" He's such a coward. I will never respond to him, until he asks about our child. He has never asked about her, never sent one dollar for her, never looked back. Not once. She is such a lovely, pure, perfect little being. Radiant and joyful. And he has never asked about her. If he did, I might respond. In some way or other. Probably not by text. Because I am an adult. I only text my friends. I email my enemies.
In the spirit of disclosure, I will say that I loved Gumball's dad very much. When we were together, he was like the light and air in my world. Losing that is very painful. Losing his two boys, who I knew from when they were 3 and 5, until they were 6 and 8, is excruciating. The part that sends shivers of nausea throughout my body is the fact that he left my house and moved back in with his ex-wife. I used to think she and I were very similar. She was very friendly to me. And I'm one of those honest, open idiots, and I thought we were friends. Not only did we have many things in common, but we shared one very important thing. We both loved her kids. When the older one was having trouble in school, she would tell me about the meetings she would have with his teachers, and we would strategize how to improve his experience and education. She and I were close, in a way. Her dad wrote me a lovely letter and became my friend on Facebook. He said he wanted to be friends with the person who had done so much and been so good to his grandsons. And when Gumball's dad and I broke up, for a couple of months, before he came back with a ring and so many beautiful promises, she told me how lucky I was to escape him, and told me all about the misery he brought into her life. I cared about her, both as a person and as the mother to the two boys I loved. Consequently, when my little girl's dad begged me to loan him money, not for himself, but so he could help his ex pay for an apartment, I agreed. He planned on paying me back, she knew I was paying her rent, and first and foremost, the boys would have a stable home. I paid $6000 for the apartment that Gumball's dad moved into the day he left my house. I paid for it. I paid for it.
It bears repeating. I paid for it.
The day he told me he was leaving, I had been shopping for his boys. I bought all their school clothing when I was weeks away from giving birth. I always did, because I never wanted them to stick out in school. Weeks after he left, before I knew he was back together with his ex, I called her. Because I was worried that she and the boys would be homeless, since he was no longer paying their rent. She never answered, and never returned my call, but with the amazing baby who never slept, I couldn't do more. And then I found out they were living together.
They bought a house about two weeks ago. Since leaving Gumball and me, it seems that his life has gotten better and better. I often wonder how one person can bear this much pain. I don't know how I made it from there to here.
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