- Tired
- Sick
- Tired of being sick
- Sick of being tired
- Pessimistic
- Proud I finished a session of Zumba and signed up for a second session
- Just as fat as I was prior to taking a Zumba class
- Avoiding my blog bc I want to but feel very sad about having to write another entry about a friend who died. (No, he didn't die this week, but when I wrote about Ray, I realized I also needed to write about Henry too. Men are dropping like flies.)
- Sad
- Realizing that I won't have a date before my birthday
- Worried. I wake up at night worrying about everything
- Reading Young Adult fiction like a fiend. (Loved Hunger Games trilogy, really enjoyed Graceling and Fire, Liking Uglies.)
In a terrible state of snittiness and irritation and self-pity. I'm lonely. I want to be able to order take out (WTF Northern VT. No fucking delivery.)
Gumball isn't napping well at all, and spent about a week waking up once a night. But she's walking all over, like a tiny, drunk midget. She's so much happier now that she can walk. A complete delight. She walks and talks, like a real person! I love her so much, and despite my generally pissy mood, I am completely charmed and in love with her. She is in love with her baby dolls (Dada, and little Dada) and kitty. She already has a wicked sense of humor. Last night I was putting her into her crib- kissing her and telling her how much I love her. And she pushed away from me and said, "bye." I was dismissed.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Another Day
The way my life is going, I'm kind of afraid to write another sad entry, for fear that my sadness will become an overwhelming black hole and devour me, and everyone else up.
The world lost a wonderful man yesterday. My former neighbor. He had successfully defeated cancer, to be wiped out by a sudden blood infection. He was strong, vibrant, and probably arguing with the last breath in his lungs.
This was his profile photo on Facebook. Yes, this 80 year-old had a Facebook account. And an iPhone. My favorite photo of Ray is one that he took. It's of his wife, and grandson, and Jack Nicholas. Yup. When they met (at his grandson's high school graduation in California,) Ray went on and on about how he hates the Lakers. Because he knew Jack was a fan. Just to get under his skin a little. Hilarious.
Ray and I were neighbors for 10 years. We met and became friends because of the incompetent mailman. I kept getting his mail, and he got mine. We complained. Ray loved a good bitch session. Then I met his wife, and his kids, and his grandkids. He was family to me, and he treated me like a daughter. He mowed my lawn in summer, shoveled my paths in winter, drove me to the airport and bus station at the crack of dawn and the middle of the night. We went to restaurants together: Clam Box was his favorite. He even tried to give advice when Gumball wouldn't sleep. When I was insane and terrified to be alone, he went out and bought new locks and changed them at night, so I didn't have to be afraid about Gumball's dad returning. He helped me, listened to me cry, and included me in his family.
He was the sort of man that just doesn't exist any more. A hardass. Completely stubborn in his views, calling all and sundry "assholes" for not agreeing with him. But all the while, defending civil rights for gays and (remember his age) people of other races. He was raised by foster parents, went into the navy, and never got help or love from anyone, when he was a kid. But he worked hard, and made a good life for himself and his family.
I'm blessed to have known such a thoughtful, generous, loving person.
This has been a bad fucking year. I hate cancer.
The world lost a wonderful man yesterday. My former neighbor. He had successfully defeated cancer, to be wiped out by a sudden blood infection. He was strong, vibrant, and probably arguing with the last breath in his lungs.
Ray and I were neighbors for 10 years. We met and became friends because of the incompetent mailman. I kept getting his mail, and he got mine. We complained. Ray loved a good bitch session. Then I met his wife, and his kids, and his grandkids. He was family to me, and he treated me like a daughter. He mowed my lawn in summer, shoveled my paths in winter, drove me to the airport and bus station at the crack of dawn and the middle of the night. We went to restaurants together: Clam Box was his favorite. He even tried to give advice when Gumball wouldn't sleep. When I was insane and terrified to be alone, he went out and bought new locks and changed them at night, so I didn't have to be afraid about Gumball's dad returning. He helped me, listened to me cry, and included me in his family.
He was the sort of man that just doesn't exist any more. A hardass. Completely stubborn in his views, calling all and sundry "assholes" for not agreeing with him. But all the while, defending civil rights for gays and (remember his age) people of other races. He was raised by foster parents, went into the navy, and never got help or love from anyone, when he was a kid. But he worked hard, and made a good life for himself and his family.
I'm blessed to have known such a thoughtful, generous, loving person.
This has been a bad fucking year. I hate cancer.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Halloween and Then Some
First and foremost, I will start this entry by recounting the weeks of festivities surrounding Halloween. And I thought college students made the most of the holiday. Well, Oberlin College students do, at least. Yeah, well, they have nothing going on compared to babies.
Gumball and I, and two mom friends and their four (combined) kids went trick or treating eight days before Halloween. It was fun. I really enjoy these women. Not so fond of my pants. Dear god, do I really look this awful?
Continuing the fanfare, I accidentally celebrated Halloween several days early at playgroup. I'm not naming names, but someone (AHEM!) told me that everyone would be dressing up. So I dutifully stuffed Gumball into her duck costume. Again. And went to playgroup, where she was the only one in costume. Awesome. At least SHE is too young to be embarrassed.
Gumball had two outfits to wear on Halloween day. A daytime tutu and shirt.
Since I'm sharing photos, I'll share my favorite from my lovely friend C's visit. Last time I saw C, about two years ago, she was engaged. At this visit, I got to meet her charming and thoughtful husband, and their adorable baby. Gumball was a little obsessed with the baby. She basically spent the entire visit staring at him, and rocking him, while he was in the baby rocker. Later on, she enjoyed "being the baby" and rocking in the rocker. What a ham!
I'm doing well. I've received a few texts from Gumball's dad, but even though I miss him, I'm just not able to trust him. He doesn't understand how I can miss and love him, but be completely unwilling to take him back. He must have a piece missing. More to the point, these days, I'm trying to pay more attention to actions. Actions over words. And I really have moved on. Want to know how much I've moved on?
That's right. I joined a dating site.
It's true.
I don't feel like I want anything fast or serious, but I have been exchanging messages with three very interesting people. I may have even suggested a date with one of them.
Back to my goal of having a date while I'm still 36. Seems like it may actually come true.
Gumball and I, and two mom friends and their four (combined) kids went trick or treating eight days before Halloween. It was fun. I really enjoy these women. Not so fond of my pants. Dear god, do I really look this awful?
Gumball had two outfits to wear on Halloween day. A daytime tutu and shirt.
And, you know. The damn duck costume. For night. Again. At night, she also had her friend Kitty with her. And Little Dada, her babydoll. I was pleasantly surprised by how much the kids enjoyed trick or treating. We only went to four or five houses, but Gumball (Duck) and Kitty were smiling and chatting the entire time. I was certain she'd scream and cry, but I lucked out.
Since I'm sharing photos, I'll share my favorite from my lovely friend C's visit. Last time I saw C, about two years ago, she was engaged. At this visit, I got to meet her charming and thoughtful husband, and their adorable baby. Gumball was a little obsessed with the baby. She basically spent the entire visit staring at him, and rocking him, while he was in the baby rocker. Later on, she enjoyed "being the baby" and rocking in the rocker. What a ham!
Other recent fun events involved a trip to Walmart. It was fun because they have double carts. And the kids didn't mess with each other at all.
That's right. I joined a dating site.
It's true.
I don't feel like I want anything fast or serious, but I have been exchanging messages with three very interesting people. I may have even suggested a date with one of them.
Back to my goal of having a date while I'm still 36. Seems like it may actually come true.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
All and Sundry
Poor little Gumball has a cold. It's her first. I know I'm jinxing myself to many more colds by writing this. I feel so unable to soothe her. I can't wait til she's old enough to lie on the couch and watch game shows and drink ginger ale. That's what I did when I was sick as a kid. Totally fun. No whammys! And is the Price of Right interminable? I remember it going on and on and on for absolutely ever. Hour after hour of blurry, feverish fun.
We've been busy. Two playgroups a week, music class, swimming. Regular life. Etc. I feel like I'm getting into a routine of sorts, and I'm really enjoying all my (our) new friends. Grateful for an end to so many days alone.
My mom has been incredible helpful too. Ever since Gumball's nanny was out for two weeks, my mom has been really stepping up and helping more. She came over today, and I had made some pasta for dinner, and for her to take home. Nothing fancy. Lots of veggies: spinach, carrots, onions, garlic, scallions, peppers- everything that needed to be cooked immediately. In a tomato sauce, with ground pork (mom doesn't eat beef) and chicken sausage. Surprisingly delicious. I feel good when I make something healthy, and when I cook enough so mom doesn't have to make dinner. Living alone, in the land of zero delivery, means cooking every single meal. It's such a delight when someone brings dinner. And I like to share that feeling with my mom, and my friends. Wish I could do it more. If only the damn grocery store delivered, I would cook more for other people.
Winter is coming. I need to start thinking about weaning the baby. I want to breastfeed until she's 18 months old. I'm going to miss our morning cuddles very much though.
I've been doing weekly, or semi-weekly, phone therapy sessions with my old therapist. It makes me feel so good to talk to her, and also to hear, reflected in her voice, that I'm not entirely insane. I feel good, actually. My lawyer has the signed papers from Gumball's dad. She hasn't reviewed them yet, but it feels one step closer to closure.
Zumba has been good. I'm going to sign up for another 12 week session tonight. Those two hours a week are good for my soul. And the little bit of exercise I manage to glean out of the classes is good for my ass. And gut.
I have a small hope too. I'd like to go on a date while I'm still 36. Nothing serious, obviously. But a for real, adult, fun date. Pizza and beer would be so fun. And next weekend, we have a ladies movie night planned. I'm so excited.
We've been busy. Two playgroups a week, music class, swimming. Regular life. Etc. I feel like I'm getting into a routine of sorts, and I'm really enjoying all my (our) new friends. Grateful for an end to so many days alone.
My mom has been incredible helpful too. Ever since Gumball's nanny was out for two weeks, my mom has been really stepping up and helping more. She came over today, and I had made some pasta for dinner, and for her to take home. Nothing fancy. Lots of veggies: spinach, carrots, onions, garlic, scallions, peppers- everything that needed to be cooked immediately. In a tomato sauce, with ground pork (mom doesn't eat beef) and chicken sausage. Surprisingly delicious. I feel good when I make something healthy, and when I cook enough so mom doesn't have to make dinner. Living alone, in the land of zero delivery, means cooking every single meal. It's such a delight when someone brings dinner. And I like to share that feeling with my mom, and my friends. Wish I could do it more. If only the damn grocery store delivered, I would cook more for other people.
Winter is coming. I need to start thinking about weaning the baby. I want to breastfeed until she's 18 months old. I'm going to miss our morning cuddles very much though.
I've been doing weekly, or semi-weekly, phone therapy sessions with my old therapist. It makes me feel so good to talk to her, and also to hear, reflected in her voice, that I'm not entirely insane. I feel good, actually. My lawyer has the signed papers from Gumball's dad. She hasn't reviewed them yet, but it feels one step closer to closure.
Zumba has been good. I'm going to sign up for another 12 week session tonight. Those two hours a week are good for my soul. And the little bit of exercise I manage to glean out of the classes is good for my ass. And gut.
I have a small hope too. I'd like to go on a date while I'm still 36. Nothing serious, obviously. But a for real, adult, fun date. Pizza and beer would be so fun. And next weekend, we have a ladies movie night planned. I'm so excited.
Friday, October 21, 2011
A Year Ago
A year ago today was the lowest I've ever been. I had just returned to my old house. The baby was waking every 2 to 3 hours all night. I was so scared, depressed, and exhausted, that I couldn't sleep at all. I was terrified to be alone. I thought my ex was going to show up unexpectedly, and murder me to take the baby. Why did I think this? I was insane. And exhausted. I was so scared, I got my neighbor to change the locks, and then I bought a big, expensive home security system. Still couldn't sleep. I was hungry, my hair was falling out, and I was so devastated.
10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.
I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.
A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.
10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.
I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.
A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.
Here are some old photos of my stepsons. Aren't they beautiful? They look so much like my little Gumball.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Late August, September and Half of October Photobomb
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| Loves swinging |
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| Loves running, cracking my ankles |
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| First pony ride. Note to self: burn pants |
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| Strawberry hat |
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| Makes vroom-vroom noises |
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| Loves her kitty |
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| Wants an older brother just like C |
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| Some of my best friends came for a visit |
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| And we went apple picking |
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| She doesn't even mind when he cuddles with her |
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| Hanging with Nana |
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| Lunch with Nana, and Little Dada |
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| Baby friends |
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| Mama friends |
Waking Up
I don't know what came over me. Baby fever? Temporary amnesia? Full on insanity? Or is this a part of the grieving process. Was I really entertaining even the remotest possibility of taking R back? What?!? No, I'm sorry, it's like I just woke up. Yes, I had good times with him. Yes, we were very close. I loved him. But this guy left me, and his daughter, and there's no undoing that. Left us, and fathered two more children. I'll probably be able to stand near him at Gumball's high school and college graduations, if he can be bothered to be a part of her life then. We're not going to be friends though, not now or ever. And I think I'm ok with that.
What brought this about? He complained in a text message to me about having to spend $22 to mail our signed divorce papers back to my lawyer. The lawyer I've paid $5000, and who is sending me a bill for additional payment. Not to mention the $6000 that he owes me. Then there's the vast amount of money I spent on him- and his kids- while we were together. He has the audacity to complain about $22? Yeah. There's cheap, and then there's being spiritually cheap, and he's both. This has been a good wake up call for me.
So, please pardon my previous entries. I'm so over him it isn't even funny.
What brought this about? He complained in a text message to me about having to spend $22 to mail our signed divorce papers back to my lawyer. The lawyer I've paid $5000, and who is sending me a bill for additional payment. Not to mention the $6000 that he owes me. Then there's the vast amount of money I spent on him- and his kids- while we were together. He has the audacity to complain about $22? Yeah. There's cheap, and then there's being spiritually cheap, and he's both. This has been a good wake up call for me.
So, please pardon my previous entries. I'm so over him it isn't even funny.
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