Dialing it In

I'm still in a funk. Tired of winter, feeling the burden of single parenthood. Tired of the nonstop planning and strategizing that goes into being moderately successful in my day to day life. I don't like to complain about single parenthood, bc I am profoundly grateful for my sweet, loving, generous, weird Gumball every single day. I am also aware of how tremendously privileged I am, to be able to stay home with her, and to enjoy the lifestyle we live. I am lucky, and blessed. Complaining seems like whining, or taking my privilege for granted. But man, I get tired. I wish someone else would plan a dinner, or cook, or run to the store to get something we need, or read a book to Gumball, or just give me an hug. Or tell me that I'm doing a good job. Or let me sleep in. I'm feeling tired, sad, and lonely. Very lonely. I'm also feeling isolated, bc I don't think anyone who hasn't been a single parent knows what single parenthood is actually like. I don't know what co-parenting is like either, or the profound loneliness of feeling unloved and under-appreciated by a partner. But that's not the point, either. I'm not so much comparing myself to others, as simply missing what I don't have.

Someone whose opinion I value greatly, told me today that he thinks I've been feeling sad and defeated since Mr. Bond (a new nickname) broke up with me. It's true. I miss him terribly, and while I've re-started my diet, and lost the 3 pounds I gained back while trying to eat my broken heart away, my heart just isn't there these days. I'm back on one dating site, and have pleased to receive a few messages. But I don't feel engaged, or enthused about dating. I miss Mr. Bond. Worst part is, I sent him a Valentine's Day card, and a week later, a text. He never responded.

So yeah. To recap, I feel sad, lonely, misunderstood, alienated, tired, and still, broken-hearted.

Winter Blues

I'm obsessed with seaweed snacks. Cool, right? Great way to be on my diet, right? WRONG! I like to use them to wrap up and devour little nuggets of avocado. Delicious! Funny enough, little Gumball loves seaweed. Weirdo.

I'm also obsessed with fruit smoothies. Particularly frozen strawberries, frozen blueberries, skim milk... and honey. Lots of honey. Delicious. Gumball doesn't care for this snack so much, as it turns out.

In other news, I have extreme winter-related fatigue. I want to walk outside without my nose freezing and dripping. I want to slip on flip flops and go- no coats, no boots, no preparation at all. I'm tired of negotiating, bribing, and threatening my kid into warm clothing. I'm ready for spring. Not the twelve inches of snow that are expected tomorrow. Ick.

I miss my guy. I haven't heard a peep from him, and my friends have insisted that I give him the space to come back to me, if he wants to. I am listening to them, but dear lord, it is hard. I keep thinking of what I want to say to him. I want to tell him that as much as I understand and respect his reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship, especially since his family responsibilities are quite heavy, and bound to become even more so, that there is never going to be a better time than now. What I mean is, that life never clears up. The burden never gets lighter, you just get used to what you have to carry. You get stronger. Life never stops, and if he wants to be in a relationship, then he needs to figure out how to fit it into his life. And I am right here, caring about him, wanting him, and wanting to see if we could try this together.

The obvious answer to my plea, is that he just doesn't want a relationship with me. Obvious, sparklingly clear.

So I just wait. And stay mute, hoping he'll call or write. Being the best mom I can be, trying to be a good friend too, and feeling like my entire life is made of faded colors and shadows. I miss him, and I miss how he made me feel. 

Haiku

Tender budding hopes...
Over. Then I stepped in poop.
Self-pity reigns, hard.

I've never been good at the haiku. Or dating.

He drove three and a half hours in a terrible snowstorm to break up with me in person. He said that his was going to have to spend more time caring for his dad, whose Alzheimer's is rapidly progressing, and that he feels stretched too thin. Too thin to be in a relationship with me.

Then, I negotiated. I told him that I would happily accept less. I would, from him.

Let's just stop. For one second. He broke up with me and I negotiated. Let that shit sink in.

Pathetic.

This guy is so sweet, so tender, and thoughtful. I will truly miss him.

I keep thinking several things. How much I miss him, and how I'm never going to see, or hear from him again. How if he cared for me with the depth and intensity that I cared for him, then he would have tried to make things work. And how much I fucking miss him.