Fortune Teller

My life has been a whirlwind. Guests- friends and family. For a week. A visit from Gumball's paternal grandmother and great aunt. Three days and nights in the Big Easy. I've never been anywhere where people are so friendly and outgoing. Between the food, sights, people, history, architecture, and experiences, I was floored. Now I understand the allure. I'm no 20 year old spring-breaker, but the air in New Orleans is enchanted, and I had an absolutely magical visit.

This was due, in part, to my travel companion. No, not Gumball. Gumball stayed home with Nana, and I hopped onto a plane with one of my friends. She is the best, and between the two of us, we managed to devour, walk, talk to, drink, and feel up all of New Orleans. We did it all, and it felt amazing. I couldn't have had a better companion, and we had a wonderful time.

Of particular note were these two restaurants: Cochon and Emeril's Delmonico. We ate everything. From fried liver on toast speckled with pepper jelly, to barbequed shrimp and grits, to rabbit and dumplings, and $40 steaks. Unbelievably delicious food and once in a lifetime experiences.

I saw a fortune teller too. He told me to let go of the feeling that occurrences in the past reflect my personal failures. It is true though. Deep down, I feel like I am somehow to blame for Gumball's dad's departure. I feel like his leaving shows my flaws and dirty underbelly. Exposes me as undesirable and a fraud to everyone. Bc why else would he have left, unless there was something really horrible about me? I often wonder if people I meet, when they hear my story, if they're trying to detect what it is about me that made him leave. As though I carry a faint odor of rotting flesh, or am a lousy lover, or whatever fatal flaw I must cleverly hide.

I am going to try to let go of that feeling of failure. I've tried and tried to make sense of it, and while blaming myself is probably the most comfortable and familiar path, I decline to continue to carry this doubt and blame any further.

The fortune teller also told me that I would have another child. It's a dream that I am scared to admit, and keep wrapped tightly inside, so that the disappointment of being single in my waning years of fertility doesn't make me sad. And I am incredibly blessed to have my beautiful and precious Gumball, so much so that it seems greedy to ask for more. I also know that raising two kids on my own would be very challenging, and possibly more than I could handle. In my heart of hearts, I would love to meet someone, have a relationship, and have a child within the embrace of that relationship. It's too much to ask of my uterus, I am afraid. But the fortune teller's words soothed me, nonetheless.