Lucky

There's no question that I've been very unlucky in love. I've made choices that have nearly killed me; gone all-in on bets that just didn't pan out. I believed my heart, and the empty words I heard, when I should have paid attention to the actions I observed. I wanted a family so badly that I would have done anything to have one. Lots of mistakes, but one delightful outcome. My little Gumball.

One thing, however, is true. I am extraordinarily lucky to have my friends. I might not be the best at choosing partners, but I _am_ generally very good at picking friends. I am constantly grateful to my oldest friend, for her love and support. She offered me a lifeline when I most needed one, and is so smart, generous and perceptive. And funny as could be. I just can't mention friends without mentioning her. And my newest friends... such lovely, beautiful people. On the inside and out.

Seriously, I have the best friends ever. I went to my dear friend's baby shower, and got to see some of my core ladies. I left Gumball with my mom, and spent 3 days and 2 nights with my friends. I never thought this would happen. Don't misunderstand me. My mom is a huge help. But she gets stir crazy after watching the baby for an hour. Not to mention that my little Gumball is a firecracker, and  a handful. But- Nana to the rescue! Nana in charge! I hopped on a plane and spent time with some of the most amazing women around.

The trip might sound less than thrilling to anyone who doesn't spend 18 hours a day alone, or with a toddler. To me, it was invigorating, rejuvenating, and so much fun. We went shopping. I got new bras, after 18 months of breastfeeding! First new bras in over 5 years. Wahoo! I ate in a restaurant and didn't have to cut up anyone's food! I had a beer with my meals! I stayed up late talking, and slept in (sort of)! I didn't have to wipe any butts, other than my own! I saw a play! I finished (most of) my sentences!

The true pleasure, for me, was twofold. I didn't have to think out every second of my day, and plan and worry about everything. The burden of worry and the pressure to do the best I can, is often crushing. But- more importantly, I got to be with my ladies. Being with people who care about me, talking to these smart, fun, generous, thoughtful women was such a blast. Celebrating their pregnancies meant so much to me. Hearing about their lives and jobs and husbands and kids was wonderful. Their happiness makes me happy.

To be completely honest, I did have a few moments when I felt sad. One of the ladies wasn't able to come. She was missed. Her absence was strongly felt, and I just kept expecting to see her in the next room. I really wish she had been able to come. The other nagging pangs I felt were fleeting, and minor, little threads of humiliation and jealousy. The last time I saw these women, was right after I got married, at my dear friend's wedding. I was pregnant and so happy and in love. Full of life, love, and hope. Emotionally, I'm just a fragment of that person now. And jealousy. I'm jealous of anyone who goes home to loving arms. I miss that. It's ok though. I'd rather be alone with my sweet Gumball, than unhappily married.