5 to 10 Percent Rotten

I was really sad today. I feel lonely. I miss my Massachusetts friends, and my friends who are all over. I miss feeling like my "all over" friends are a short plane ride away. From VT, no plane ride is short. I am still so scared to travel with Gumball. She did great when we went to MA, but alone- how will I go to the bathroom? How can I get her to sleep without her fan, blackout shades, and strict evening ritual? What if I need something? What if she needs something?

Anyhow, I really want to go to my friend's baby shower. I want to see her pregnant, and hang out with her and my other girlfriends. I miss them. So much. The logistics of the trip were really overwhelming to me. I was totally on the fence, but still hopeful and genuinely considering it. Then, I found out that I would be the only one bringing a kid. What a drag.

I don't want to go into the details of what made me feel so awful about this. That's the downside of sharing my navel-gazing with my real life friends. I don't want anything I write about to influence my real life relationships. I love my friends, and truly celebrate their successes and happiness. It's also true though; I'm a weak person, and sometimes my jealousy gets the better of me. I am a rotten enough person that occasionally, my friends' lives make me feel bitter, jealous and petty. And today: completely distraught. I pretty much wish all Mother's Days, Valentine's Days, Father's Days, and Sundays would just go away. And date nights, and sleeping in. Don't even get me started on subsequent pregnancies. I am so jealous of all these things that I can't imagine ever having for myself.

Most of the time, maybe 85 to 90% of the time, I am full of genuine happiness for my friends. Life is hard, and when any of my friends achieve something they want, I am really overjoyed for them. I hate the fragments of myself that feel jealousy and bitterness. It is so in conflict with who I am as a person, and who I want to be. Before Gumball was born, I felt this jealousy and bitterness with regards to friends getting pregnant. I tried as hard as I could to keep it in check. And I was pretty good at keeping the bitterness to myself. Most of the time. Now I sometimes feel like the bitterness is overwhelming me.

I want my friends to have every success and happiness in the world. I love them. They deserve it. More than anyone else. I just wonder what is so wrong with me that so much of what I touch turns to complete crap? So, I feel bitter, and then I feel guilty about feeling bitter, and then I beat myself up for not being a good enough person, or a good enough friend. It's a lot of fun.

The idea of being the only person at my friend's baby shower with a kid in tow, is pretty intolerable to me. As intolerable, as missing the shower altogether. I spent the afternoon crying, and feeling sorry for myself. Gumball got about a million rides in her Cozy Coupe, so I could cry in peace, without upsetting her, or scarring her in any way.

So yeah. My point? I have none. I am increasingly getting more and more rotten. I don't like feeling jealous of the people I love.

In other news, tonight was the first night I intentionally skipped Gumball's nightly nursing session. Weaning. I don't want to do it, but it's time. I'll continue to nurse her in the morning for another month or two, but it's ending too. I'm very sad about this. I'll nurse her for 18 months, or so, which was my goal. Gumball has always been a very sweet, considerate nurser. No biting, no nursing strikes, very little pummeling mama in the face with her vicious little fists. Gumball is probably the only child I will nurse, and I am sad that this is coming to an end.

The more I think about it, I might be much more than 5 to 10 percent rotten. Probably closer to 25%. Geez.