Glimmers of Hope

Today was a satisfying day. I didn't sleep well last night (big surprise, sleep being my archenemy). But I woke with the baby at 6am, and wasn't dragging too badly. After Gumball's brief morning nap, we went to visit a neighbor. She lives a few houses down from us, and has a son who is a year older than Gumball. We've run into them several times. Last time, she asked the dreaded question- "why did you move here?" And, like usual, I tried to answer and instead choked and teared up. Yup. People try to make small talk with me and ask innocent questions and I cry. I am a hot mess. Anyhow, my neighbor mentioned a positive of being single. No one pestering me for blow jobs. That is certainly true, and was such a funny and weird thing to say, that I immediately wanted to hang out with her. Indeed, that IS one positive thing about being single. Anyhow, I went over to her house today. Her son was at day care, and she was packing for an overnight visit to the inlaws. I followed her around the house as she packed and straightened things out. It was nice. Surprisingly comfortable. I will visit again. And it made me feel human to make a new friend, all on my own.

Then I came home, and made baby food. AND THE BABY SEEMED TO LIKE IT!!! It was just my regular lentils and spinach, but this time I added 1/4 of a block of cream cheese. And blended it. She seemed to enjoy it! It was quite a success for me. The baby was crawling and playing on the floor at my feet while I cooked and blended. I didn't feel full of anxiety about not entertaining her, I was moving fast but not frantically. I microwaved lunch for myself. And she ate, and didn't vomit. It was magical. When she was done eating, I cleaned the kitchen. I know this doesn't sound like much, but I feel such crushing anxiety that I don't usually do much when the Little Rat is awake. When she cries it feels like a punch in the gut (although lately she's had some crocodile tears that don't impact me quite the same way) so I spend most of my time preventing her from crying. And she is such a patient, understanding, loving baby. She plays by herself a lot. I sit in the room with her, but I mostly read a magazine or play scrabble online on my phone. And I talk to her sometimes, of course, but she seems very happy playing with her toys and unpacking every book and "reading" it (flipping through it in about 30 seconds.)

After lunch, and cleaning, we played in her room, and then took a nap together. Its so little but I feel hopeful and satisfied. Simple mind, simple pleasures?

And to ensure a reasonable night's sleep, I took two benedryls. Its a toss up. My doctor said it was safe enough for breastfeeding, especially since I take it 12 hours before I breastfeed, usually (right before Gumball's bedtime). But, the side effect I'm most worried about is the reduction in milk production. This troubles me a lot, but I find that I produce more milk when I sleep, versus staying awake all night, worrying. It is what it is. I'm just trying to get by.

First day of therapy tomorrow. Heh hehe, I pity this poor therapist. She's not prepared for the self-analyzing, know-it-all, 11 years of therapy under her belt train wreck she's seeing tomorrow. Wish me (and her) luck.