Exhausted (Yet Proud)

So, I admit, I have a 15 hour a week nanny. Sometimes, if I need it, she stays an hour or two more. I've now figured out how to shower with the baby, but honestly, as cute as she is, splashing away in the tub, I really don't love family showers. I need 15 hours of help a week so I can shower alone, cook, clean, pay bills, go to the grocery store... you know? Fun things like that. But not having the anxiety about leaving the baby happily playing in her room to race downstairs and grab dirty towels to wash? Or whatever? That's why I have a nanny. I get to worry a little less when she's here. It's a tremendous relief. Sometimes, she even does some household chores- like cleaning the kitty litter or folding laundry or washing the sippy cups. I detest washing sippy cups. One thing about living without any other adults is that no matter what it is, I am responsible for it. So when someone else washes the sippies, or cleans the kitty litter, it is a huge relief. Better than a party.

This week, my nanny, T, has been sick. Its been a terrible week for her. Not going to lie, not having any help has been rough on me too. 9 days without a break. That's not entirely true. I went to my mom's house, and while she was holding Gumball, I fell asleep on the sofa. Needless to say, this week Gumball's sleep has gone right down the toilet. Literally. She has started pooping herself awake. I feel sorry for her, but also sorry for me. No help, and multiple night wakings. Just like when she was a little, itty, bitty baby!

It's also been a rough week for a whole other reason. Gumball's dad has had some (more) good fortune. He needed paperwork from me, to buy a house, and all I wanted to do was say, "no. Fuck you. I'm not giving you anything." Because he has not had one moment of sadness or inconvenience or sleeplessness. His daughter doesn't even know what dad means. But since we're not divorced yet, I was too afraid that he would retaliate if I didn't get him the paperwork. Retaliate through the baby. Try to take her from me. And to me she is the most important thing in the world. More important than my pride, or revenge, or sleep. So I cried and got him the paperwork. I feel sad, and somewhat defeated, but at the same time, I got though it. A hard week, with no help, a night-pooping babe, and lots of sorrow and regrets. Thank god its Monday tomorrow and T feels better so I will get some help.