I am _very_ tired of having to go upstairs multiple times after putting Gumball to bed, just to make sure she hasn't pooped herself. She won't cry if she has, she'll just sit there and play, in the dark, for an inordinate amount of time. Tonight she played for 35 minutes, I went up to check, and she was fine. Clean. I reminded her to go to sleep. Grrr...
But now, when I say, "night night, Gumball," she says "night night, Mama." It is incredibly sweet. So sweet, in fact, that I don't want to put her in her bed. I just want to hold and cuddle her, and hear her say, "night night, Mama" over and over again. It's much better than her other phrases. Like "A-choo Dada" (fake sneezing) and "I need Bobo!" (I Need Bobo is an amazing, cute book. That Gumball loves.)
Well, 2011 has been one hell of a year. I moved, bought a new house, got divorced. Gumball had a birthday. I made wonderful new friends. Apparently I lost some old friends too. It makes me so sad that some people I thought I was close to decided to end our friendship. Or didn't decide, exactly, but simply stopped returning my calls, texts, and emails. Lame. 2011 makes me wonder about people.
I hope 2012 is better. I hope I go on one date, at least. I hope I can lose some weight, get back on anti-anxiety medicine, and see more of my friends. Make it out to Seattle, Lakeville, Chicago, Atlanta, and Boston. To see all my friends who I miss so much. I hope Gumball's dad decides to be a positive and consistent figure in her life; or nothing at all. I can't wait to see how Gumball grows and changes. I am so excited to hear her new words and sentences.
So friends, Happy New Year. I wish you all a 2012 full of peace, love, joy, lots of free time, easy and rewarding weight-loss (or gain, if you're so inclined), delicious, home-cooked meals, socks always matching up after being dried, inexplicable yet arresting washboard abs, and good health.
I leave you all with this silly anecdote. I thought my window washer fluid in my car was low. So I forgot and forgot and eventually remembered to buy more. I wanted to fill the washer fluid tank, but I forgot how to open the hood of my car. (Don't judge 'til you have a baby, haters.) I read the manual. Filled the tank. Started the car. No washer fluid in the rear window. Then I pushed the lever back, instead of just twisting the lever-handle. Yup. It worked.
Moral: Having a baby makes you dumb. Really fucking dumb. It's amazing I still know how to breathe. That said, every day I learn more, remember more, and get a little more or myself back. Fuck you, 2011. I'm done with tears and doubt. Welcome, 2012.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
What My Life is Like
I just got off the phone with my mom. She said that a friend of hers stopped by, and offered her some "beef or meat." She was, reasonably, confused.
Say it out loud.
Beef-or-meat. Beeformeat. BEAVER MEAT. O.M.G. Yup. Beaver meat. Someone offered my mom beaver meat.
And she took some!
Gah. Beaver meat doesn't really appeal to me. I'd try it though, just out of curiosity. I've had lots of different meats: venison, alligator, emu, llama, guinea pig, gosh I'm sure there must be more that I'm forgetting.
In other news, Gumball woke three times last night. She's sick. Stuffed up. I'm quite tired, and I feel really sorry for her. Can you even imagine a time before you knew how to blow your nose?
On a happy note, one of Gumball's still incubating, soon-to-be playmate, "Ruby," is now 24 weeks old. Grow, Ruby, grow!
Let's keep our fingers crossed for a decent night's sleep, for mama and baby.
Say it out loud.
Beef-or-meat. Beeformeat. BEAVER MEAT. O.M.G. Yup. Beaver meat. Someone offered my mom beaver meat.
And she took some!
Gah. Beaver meat doesn't really appeal to me. I'd try it though, just out of curiosity. I've had lots of different meats: venison, alligator, emu, llama, guinea pig, gosh I'm sure there must be more that I'm forgetting.
In other news, Gumball woke three times last night. She's sick. Stuffed up. I'm quite tired, and I feel really sorry for her. Can you even imagine a time before you knew how to blow your nose?
On a happy note, one of Gumball's still incubating, soon-to-be playmate, "Ruby," is now 24 weeks old. Grow, Ruby, grow!
Let's keep our fingers crossed for a decent night's sleep, for mama and baby.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Poop
How many times can my child poop in order to interrupt sleep? In one day, I mean.
Just guess.
No, really. I mean it. Guess.
FOUR. 4. Yes, FOUR times. Plus, one non-sleep associated poop. WTH child? Hmmm...
In other news, Gumball loves prime rib. Christmas? Not so much. She likes opening her new tool box, and removing the tools, and then placing them directly where I might step. She also really enjoys rolling her new shopping cart around. Other than that- she hates her new babydolls, and other new gifts. So much so, that she's become reinvested in previously ignored birthday gifts. Gifts that she's played with twice in the past four months. She also really, really likes placing her shoes onto her toes. Just sort of propping them up. Ridiculous. Love her so much.
Just guess.
No, really. I mean it. Guess.
FOUR. 4. Yes, FOUR times. Plus, one non-sleep associated poop. WTH child? Hmmm...
In other news, Gumball loves prime rib. Christmas? Not so much. She likes opening her new tool box, and removing the tools, and then placing them directly where I might step. She also really enjoys rolling her new shopping cart around. Other than that- she hates her new babydolls, and other new gifts. So much so, that she's become reinvested in previously ignored birthday gifts. Gifts that she's played with twice in the past four months. She also really, really likes placing her shoes onto her toes. Just sort of propping them up. Ridiculous. Love her so much.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
'Tis the Season
I just made two more batches of this:
OMGOMG YUM YUM YUM!
(Shan, please take note. So delicious, so easy.)
Things have been decent. Gumball has been talking up a storm. Some words are perfectly clear. Like: meat, juice, milk, duck, baby, Elmo. And some words are close enough: like Eeep (sheep). Now she also says: "nurt." Any guesses what that means?
I'll give you a clue. When I told my mom that Gumball was saying this, she said, "well, now it's probably time to stop."
That's right. Gumball is saying "nurse." In January, we're going to go down to one nursing session a day. I'm sad about this. Sad, but ready to get back on medicine.
In January, I'm also going to bite the bullet and put up a dating profile on Match.com. Okcupid in Vermont? Not so great. Granted, I am writing one woman who I find quite intriguing. I have a feeling that she's put me into the dreaded friend zone. Still, I continue to write her, and will meet her when she's ready. Other than her, however, and perhaps including her, it seems like all the people I've communicated with are totally fucked up. I'm no prize, I suppose. Except I am! I still miss Gumball's dad, but I've been single for 15 months, and am open, and honest, and still have something left to give. Right? It seems like the broken, twisted, pathetic people I've "met" online are just careening from one hurt to another relationship. I write people, and they write back. We exchange lighthearted messages, and get to know each other, and then they disappear. My feelings get hurt. I'm tired of this.
So, yes, dating. I hope to do it in 2012. And nursing. I hope to stop before the baby can spell nurse.
In other news, it's almost Christmas. Nana, Gumball, Little Dada, and I went to see Santa this afternoon. Gumball wasn't having it. She hated that old man in a red suit as soon as she saw him. I'm glad we got the annual photo though. And I have to admit that I find photos of crying babies with Santa to be quite hilarious and at the same time, charming.
Here are our last year's photos, for those interested. My sweet, tiny, baby Gumball:
Merry Christmas everyone.
OMGOMG YUM YUM YUM!
(Shan, please take note. So delicious, so easy.)
Things have been decent. Gumball has been talking up a storm. Some words are perfectly clear. Like: meat, juice, milk, duck, baby, Elmo. And some words are close enough: like Eeep (sheep). Now she also says: "nurt." Any guesses what that means?
I'll give you a clue. When I told my mom that Gumball was saying this, she said, "well, now it's probably time to stop."
That's right. Gumball is saying "nurse." In January, we're going to go down to one nursing session a day. I'm sad about this. Sad, but ready to get back on medicine.
In January, I'm also going to bite the bullet and put up a dating profile on Match.com. Okcupid in Vermont? Not so great. Granted, I am writing one woman who I find quite intriguing. I have a feeling that she's put me into the dreaded friend zone. Still, I continue to write her, and will meet her when she's ready. Other than her, however, and perhaps including her, it seems like all the people I've communicated with are totally fucked up. I'm no prize, I suppose. Except I am! I still miss Gumball's dad, but I've been single for 15 months, and am open, and honest, and still have something left to give. Right? It seems like the broken, twisted, pathetic people I've "met" online are just careening from one hurt to another relationship. I write people, and they write back. We exchange lighthearted messages, and get to know each other, and then they disappear. My feelings get hurt. I'm tired of this.
So, yes, dating. I hope to do it in 2012. And nursing. I hope to stop before the baby can spell nurse.
In other news, it's almost Christmas. Nana, Gumball, Little Dada, and I went to see Santa this afternoon. Gumball wasn't having it. She hated that old man in a red suit as soon as she saw him. I'm glad we got the annual photo though. And I have to admit that I find photos of crying babies with Santa to be quite hilarious and at the same time, charming.
Here are our last year's photos, for those interested. My sweet, tiny, baby Gumball:
Merry Christmas everyone.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Sick Gumball
Gumball is sick. She slept til 9am this morning. A first. I assumed she was just tired, since she had a very active day yesterday, and didn't nap much. I was excited. I thought- oh yay! We'll get to have a good time at playgroup and maybe convince friends to come over or go out to lunch! Wheee! And then she coughed a couple of times, and started rolling around, so I went into her room to get her ready.
She didn't even look up when I came in. I opened the blinds, and she didn't move. I picked her up. She had vomited and it was dried n one side of the sheets. She was hot, burning hot, and limp. And quite unresponsive. My baby can't tolerate a poopy diaper. When she woke this morning, she had an old, poopy diaper. First time ever. She was completely out of it. I changed her, and brought her into bed with me to nurse. She nursed, and then fell asleep. When she woke up, I called her doctor. Love that practice. Such kind medical providers. Brought her to the doctor later in the morning. Viral infection. Clear ears, red throat. She slept on the way home (*this is the baby who slept for 30 mins on a 7 hour round-trip ride to Massachusetts.) Ate a little lunch. Napped for 2.5 hours (longest nap ever). Played, ate, and went to bed early.
What a nerve-wracking experience. I am so scared, and anxious. I hope my sweet, little 24lb Gumball is better in the morning.
She didn't even look up when I came in. I opened the blinds, and she didn't move. I picked her up. She had vomited and it was dried n one side of the sheets. She was hot, burning hot, and limp. And quite unresponsive. My baby can't tolerate a poopy diaper. When she woke this morning, she had an old, poopy diaper. First time ever. She was completely out of it. I changed her, and brought her into bed with me to nurse. She nursed, and then fell asleep. When she woke up, I called her doctor. Love that practice. Such kind medical providers. Brought her to the doctor later in the morning. Viral infection. Clear ears, red throat. She slept on the way home (*this is the baby who slept for 30 mins on a 7 hour round-trip ride to Massachusetts.) Ate a little lunch. Napped for 2.5 hours (longest nap ever). Played, ate, and went to bed early.
What a nerve-wracking experience. I am so scared, and anxious. I hope my sweet, little 24lb Gumball is better in the morning.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Namas... What?
I've been a bad, bad blogger. Dude, Christmas is a lot of work. And I had a birthday.
Something funny happened last night. In Zumba. My lovely, thoughtful new friend A turned to me in the middle of an excruciating dance routine, and said, "namaste." Or that's what I thought I heard. And I was confused. My friends and I? We're not really the "namaste" sort of people. Even my three friends who teach yoga. We're more the "hey, what's up?" type of people. Or maybe the "pass me a slice of pizza" sorts. Anyhow, I lean in towards A, and say, "WHAT? Did you just say namaste?" And she said, "no. I said 'is class almost over?'" I still chuckle when I think about it.
So yeah. Like I said, I've been very busy. In part, because Gumball's nanny took a week off. Not for fun. She had car problems. But it's always hard to be without help in the evenings. We've also transitioned from two daily naps to one. Gumball was on a decent two-nap schedule, but little by little, each nap kept getting shorter and shorter. Two 45-minute naps a day were driving me nuts. These days, we are aiming for one 90-120 minute nap, in the middle of the day. I know this stuff is fascinating. Being a parent is hard. I agonized over this decision, and just want to do what is best for little Gumball. But there's no clear, black and white manual of how to raise baby, or how to maximize sleep, and naps, and to make sure she's always happy and successful. It's a lot of pressure.
In the past two weeks, I've done a lot, not just counting changing Gumball's nap schedule. I also got some help from Nana, and picked up a Christmas tree.
This year's tree theme: pink and silver. Yup. No men in this house.
It's also cold, finally. I'm not thrilled about the cold, but I also get to see this. Not sideways. Hmmm.
And here are some other photos I recently uploaded.
As I mentioned before, I also had a birthday. I didn't manage to have a date before this birthday, which made me a little sad, but the birthday itself was so much more than I had hoped. The day of my birthday, I got my hair cut and colored. No more zebra stripes! Yay! And Nana watched Gumball, so she had fun too. I even got to go to the grocery store alone. It doesn't sound like much, but the cards, calls, texts (ugh, except for the one from Gumball's dad) made me really happy. And the 80-something messages and wall posts from friends on Facebook- made my day. And on Friday, all my new friends got together and threw me a birthday lunch party. We had lots of kids running around, lots of food, and it was amazing. It really meant a lot to me, and will hopefully mark the start of a year filled with happiness, peace and love. I am very grateful for these friends.
Something funny happened last night. In Zumba. My lovely, thoughtful new friend A turned to me in the middle of an excruciating dance routine, and said, "namaste." Or that's what I thought I heard. And I was confused. My friends and I? We're not really the "namaste" sort of people. Even my three friends who teach yoga. We're more the "hey, what's up?" type of people. Or maybe the "pass me a slice of pizza" sorts. Anyhow, I lean in towards A, and say, "WHAT? Did you just say namaste?" And she said, "no. I said 'is class almost over?'" I still chuckle when I think about it.
So yeah. Like I said, I've been very busy. In part, because Gumball's nanny took a week off. Not for fun. She had car problems. But it's always hard to be without help in the evenings. We've also transitioned from two daily naps to one. Gumball was on a decent two-nap schedule, but little by little, each nap kept getting shorter and shorter. Two 45-minute naps a day were driving me nuts. These days, we are aiming for one 90-120 minute nap, in the middle of the day. I know this stuff is fascinating. Being a parent is hard. I agonized over this decision, and just want to do what is best for little Gumball. But there's no clear, black and white manual of how to raise baby, or how to maximize sleep, and naps, and to make sure she's always happy and successful. It's a lot of pressure.
In the past two weeks, I've done a lot, not just counting changing Gumball's nap schedule. I also got some help from Nana, and picked up a Christmas tree.
It's also cold, finally. I'm not thrilled about the cold, but I also get to see this. Not sideways. Hmmm.
And here are some other photos I recently uploaded.
 |
| Gumball Hippo |
 |
| First Art Project |
 |
| Second Art Project- I didn't even help! |
 |
| With Big Duck |
 |
| Measuring the size of her own head |
 |
| Christmas Photo: Attempt 200000000000000 |
As I mentioned before, I also had a birthday. I didn't manage to have a date before this birthday, which made me a little sad, but the birthday itself was so much more than I had hoped. The day of my birthday, I got my hair cut and colored. No more zebra stripes! Yay! And Nana watched Gumball, so she had fun too. I even got to go to the grocery store alone. It doesn't sound like much, but the cards, calls, texts (ugh, except for the one from Gumball's dad) made me really happy. And the 80-something messages and wall posts from friends on Facebook- made my day. And on Friday, all my new friends got together and threw me a birthday lunch party. We had lots of kids running around, lots of food, and it was amazing. It really meant a lot to me, and will hopefully mark the start of a year filled with happiness, peace and love. I am very grateful for these friends.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
If You're Happy and You Know It...
I must be on a self-destructive streak. I am eating cheddar bunnies way past the point of serious heartburn. Not to mention that Gumball will kick my ass if they're all gone tomorrow. Baby _really_ loves her crackers these days. She'd cut a bitch for them.
So yeah. Went to MA. Saw my friend, missed her husband. Gumball vomited in the car, and I was so grateful for my mom's help. Other than vomiting, and refusing to sleep more than 30 minutes while in the car, Gumball did great. She slept through the night both nights, and went to sleep for bed and naps without a peep of complaint. The Kidco Peapod is an amazing creation. I wish I had one too, adult sized. I guess that's what tents are. Whatever. I want one. Yeah, and she only had to practice her (extensive) vocabulary once a night. While sleeping, I assume. Nothing like hearing, "kitty. meow. dog. Mia. Dia. Abbey. Nana. Titi. Mama. mum mum. moo. moo. etc" from a sleeping kid. She's so weird.
It was wonderful to see my friend. I missed her. I missed her grandkids, and her kids. It was terrific to see them. I really missed her husband though. I kept thinking of all the things he'd be raising hell about, if he were there. Like the Christmas decorations not being set up yet. He loves that hat-tipping snowman, and the Noel sign.
It felt unsettling to see my old house from the wrong side of the fence. It was as though a part of me could have still been living, in wedded bliss, with Gumball's dad. Going into the house, and seeing how abandoned it felt was heartbreaking. That house deserved more. I deserved more.
The trip was punctuated by constant singing. Nana thinks that singing helps the baby get smarter. I'm pretty sure that hours of "If You're Happy and You Know It" followed by "I've Been Working on the Railroad" followed by "You are my Sunshine" is not doing anything good for Gumball's brain.
It felt so good to be back where I know where to drive, where Mexican food is 10 minutes away, and where I run into people I know at Target. Yup. I miss Massachusetts. I wouldn't have moved home if I hadn't needed to. And being here is so good for Gumball, and for me. I'm just lonely here in VT, that's all. I think I'd be just as lonely in MA. But I'd have more company, probably.
Tonight, when I put Gumball to bed, I said, "Goodnight. Mama loves you, Gumball." When I was shutting the door, she yelled, "Night night, Dia."
So yeah. Went to MA. Saw my friend, missed her husband. Gumball vomited in the car, and I was so grateful for my mom's help. Other than vomiting, and refusing to sleep more than 30 minutes while in the car, Gumball did great. She slept through the night both nights, and went to sleep for bed and naps without a peep of complaint. The Kidco Peapod is an amazing creation. I wish I had one too, adult sized. I guess that's what tents are. Whatever. I want one. Yeah, and she only had to practice her (extensive) vocabulary once a night. While sleeping, I assume. Nothing like hearing, "kitty. meow. dog. Mia. Dia. Abbey. Nana. Titi. Mama. mum mum. moo. moo. etc" from a sleeping kid. She's so weird.
It was wonderful to see my friend. I missed her. I missed her grandkids, and her kids. It was terrific to see them. I really missed her husband though. I kept thinking of all the things he'd be raising hell about, if he were there. Like the Christmas decorations not being set up yet. He loves that hat-tipping snowman, and the Noel sign.
It felt unsettling to see my old house from the wrong side of the fence. It was as though a part of me could have still been living, in wedded bliss, with Gumball's dad. Going into the house, and seeing how abandoned it felt was heartbreaking. That house deserved more. I deserved more.
The trip was punctuated by constant singing. Nana thinks that singing helps the baby get smarter. I'm pretty sure that hours of "If You're Happy and You Know It" followed by "I've Been Working on the Railroad" followed by "You are my Sunshine" is not doing anything good for Gumball's brain.
It felt so good to be back where I know where to drive, where Mexican food is 10 minutes away, and where I run into people I know at Target. Yup. I miss Massachusetts. I wouldn't have moved home if I hadn't needed to. And being here is so good for Gumball, and for me. I'm just lonely here in VT, that's all. I think I'd be just as lonely in MA. But I'd have more company, probably.
Tonight, when I put Gumball to bed, I said, "Goodnight. Mama loves you, Gumball." When I was shutting the door, she yelled, "Night night, Dia."
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tired of Repeating Myself
I'm having a really hard time these days. I know it's a part of the cycle of grief, and getting better, and all that bullshit, but I'm tired of being sad. I just wish I could forget Gumball's dad. Stop beating myself up for not being a better single parent. Gumball is thriving. She's healthy and happy. She said "teatop" today, for teapot. She's a genius. She'll be happy and successful even if her dad refuses to be in her life.
I joined a dating site, right? Did I mention this before? Yeah. I had been writing three people for a few weeks. Daily. Smart, nice, clever people. And out of the blue, two of them just stopped writing me. It's not a big deal, but I had this little bubble of excitement and hope, and it's gone now.
It's probably too soon for me to date. I still think about Gumball's dad. I still miss him. I'm not filled with anxiety or sharp grief anymore, but I am lonely. I'm alone, or alone with Gumball most of the day, every day. I just want to cuddle up with someone to watch TV. Or get a hug at the end of the day. I have all these lovely, fun, cool, vibrant new mom friends, and I'm so fucked up and sad that I can barely interact some days. They're pretty forgiving people, but damn, I'm really not the best company these days.
I'm going to Massachusetts soon, to see my friend whose husband died. When we get back, I'm going to start cutting back on the nursing. I still want to nurse Gumball until she's 18 months old, but I'm going to go to two nursing sessions a day soon. It makes me sad, bc I love our special cuddling time. She likes to stop nursing to skewer my eyes, nose, and mouth, saying "EYE," "Nooooooooos," and "mouck." It's just so damn cute. Another selfish reason for not weaning? I nurse her in bed each morning, and get another 45 minutes to doze in bed. I am so tired, all the time.
I joined a dating site, right? Did I mention this before? Yeah. I had been writing three people for a few weeks. Daily. Smart, nice, clever people. And out of the blue, two of them just stopped writing me. It's not a big deal, but I had this little bubble of excitement and hope, and it's gone now.
It's probably too soon for me to date. I still think about Gumball's dad. I still miss him. I'm not filled with anxiety or sharp grief anymore, but I am lonely. I'm alone, or alone with Gumball most of the day, every day. I just want to cuddle up with someone to watch TV. Or get a hug at the end of the day. I have all these lovely, fun, cool, vibrant new mom friends, and I'm so fucked up and sad that I can barely interact some days. They're pretty forgiving people, but damn, I'm really not the best company these days.
I'm going to Massachusetts soon, to see my friend whose husband died. When we get back, I'm going to start cutting back on the nursing. I still want to nurse Gumball until she's 18 months old, but I'm going to go to two nursing sessions a day soon. It makes me sad, bc I love our special cuddling time. She likes to stop nursing to skewer my eyes, nose, and mouth, saying "EYE," "Nooooooooos," and "mouck." It's just so damn cute. Another selfish reason for not weaning? I nurse her in bed each morning, and get another 45 minutes to doze in bed. I am so tired, all the time.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thanksgiving Menu
I'm cooking this year, just for me, mom, and Gumball. I am making the following:
- Fresh cranberry sauce
- Mashed potatoes with lots of butter and cream. I will break out the hand mixer even
- Roast brussel sprouts
- Stuffing
- Turkey
- Gravy
- Maybe creamed spinach. Maybe
I bought a pumpkin pie.
What is everyone else having? Please post menus in the comments. I'm nosy, curious, and need a snack immediately.
- Fresh cranberry sauce
- Mashed potatoes with lots of butter and cream. I will break out the hand mixer even
- Roast brussel sprouts
- Stuffing
- Turkey
- Gravy
- Maybe creamed spinach. Maybe
I bought a pumpkin pie.
What is everyone else having? Please post menus in the comments. I'm nosy, curious, and need a snack immediately.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Grumpy, Lonely and Mean
Title says it all.
I am dreading Thanksgiving. The two years when I had Gumball's dad, my stepsons, and my mom together to share the day with, were absolutely wonderful. Pretty much my idea of a perfect life. And I've been lucky. So many Thanksgivings have been like this- big gatherings of friends and family. Lots of work and noise and food. Laughter.
This year, it's going to be me, mom and Gumball. Some of my friends were supposed to come, but cancelled. I'm cooking a full meal, but I'm a step away from serving frozen pizza.
Really hard to keep my chin up these days. Nothing specific, just lots of small sad things pecking away at me like a flock of zombie chickens.
I am dreading Thanksgiving. The two years when I had Gumball's dad, my stepsons, and my mom together to share the day with, were absolutely wonderful. Pretty much my idea of a perfect life. And I've been lucky. So many Thanksgivings have been like this- big gatherings of friends and family. Lots of work and noise and food. Laughter.
This year, it's going to be me, mom and Gumball. Some of my friends were supposed to come, but cancelled. I'm cooking a full meal, but I'm a step away from serving frozen pizza.
Really hard to keep my chin up these days. Nothing specific, just lots of small sad things pecking away at me like a flock of zombie chickens.
Friday, November 18, 2011
I Am:
- Tired
- Sick
- Tired of being sick
- Sick of being tired
- Pessimistic
- Proud I finished a session of Zumba and signed up for a second session
- Just as fat as I was prior to taking a Zumba class
- Avoiding my blog bc I want to but feel very sad about having to write another entry about a friend who died. (No, he didn't die this week, but when I wrote about Ray, I realized I also needed to write about Henry too. Men are dropping like flies.)
- Sad
- Realizing that I won't have a date before my birthday
- Worried. I wake up at night worrying about everything
- Reading Young Adult fiction like a fiend. (Loved Hunger Games trilogy, really enjoyed Graceling and Fire, Liking Uglies.)
In a terrible state of snittiness and irritation and self-pity. I'm lonely. I want to be able to order take out (WTF Northern VT. No fucking delivery.)
Gumball isn't napping well at all, and spent about a week waking up once a night. But she's walking all over, like a tiny, drunk midget. She's so much happier now that she can walk. A complete delight. She walks and talks, like a real person! I love her so much, and despite my generally pissy mood, I am completely charmed and in love with her. She is in love with her baby dolls (Dada, and little Dada) and kitty. She already has a wicked sense of humor. Last night I was putting her into her crib- kissing her and telling her how much I love her. And she pushed away from me and said, "bye." I was dismissed.
- Sick
- Tired of being sick
- Sick of being tired
- Pessimistic
- Proud I finished a session of Zumba and signed up for a second session
- Just as fat as I was prior to taking a Zumba class
- Avoiding my blog bc I want to but feel very sad about having to write another entry about a friend who died. (No, he didn't die this week, but when I wrote about Ray, I realized I also needed to write about Henry too. Men are dropping like flies.)
- Sad
- Realizing that I won't have a date before my birthday
- Worried. I wake up at night worrying about everything
- Reading Young Adult fiction like a fiend. (Loved Hunger Games trilogy, really enjoyed Graceling and Fire, Liking Uglies.)
In a terrible state of snittiness and irritation and self-pity. I'm lonely. I want to be able to order take out (WTF Northern VT. No fucking delivery.)
Gumball isn't napping well at all, and spent about a week waking up once a night. But she's walking all over, like a tiny, drunk midget. She's so much happier now that she can walk. A complete delight. She walks and talks, like a real person! I love her so much, and despite my generally pissy mood, I am completely charmed and in love with her. She is in love with her baby dolls (Dada, and little Dada) and kitty. She already has a wicked sense of humor. Last night I was putting her into her crib- kissing her and telling her how much I love her. And she pushed away from me and said, "bye." I was dismissed.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Another Day
The way my life is going, I'm kind of afraid to write another sad entry, for fear that my sadness will become an overwhelming black hole and devour me, and everyone else up.
The world lost a wonderful man yesterday. My former neighbor. He had successfully defeated cancer, to be wiped out by a sudden blood infection. He was strong, vibrant, and probably arguing with the last breath in his lungs.
This was his profile photo on Facebook. Yes, this 80 year-old had a Facebook account. And an iPhone. My favorite photo of Ray is one that he took. It's of his wife, and grandson, and Jack Nicholas. Yup. When they met (at his grandson's high school graduation in California,) Ray went on and on about how he hates the Lakers. Because he knew Jack was a fan. Just to get under his skin a little. Hilarious.
Ray and I were neighbors for 10 years. We met and became friends because of the incompetent mailman. I kept getting his mail, and he got mine. We complained. Ray loved a good bitch session. Then I met his wife, and his kids, and his grandkids. He was family to me, and he treated me like a daughter. He mowed my lawn in summer, shoveled my paths in winter, drove me to the airport and bus station at the crack of dawn and the middle of the night. We went to restaurants together: Clam Box was his favorite. He even tried to give advice when Gumball wouldn't sleep. When I was insane and terrified to be alone, he went out and bought new locks and changed them at night, so I didn't have to be afraid about Gumball's dad returning. He helped me, listened to me cry, and included me in his family.
He was the sort of man that just doesn't exist any more. A hardass. Completely stubborn in his views, calling all and sundry "assholes" for not agreeing with him. But all the while, defending civil rights for gays and (remember his age) people of other races. He was raised by foster parents, went into the navy, and never got help or love from anyone, when he was a kid. But he worked hard, and made a good life for himself and his family.
I'm blessed to have known such a thoughtful, generous, loving person.
This has been a bad fucking year. I hate cancer.
The world lost a wonderful man yesterday. My former neighbor. He had successfully defeated cancer, to be wiped out by a sudden blood infection. He was strong, vibrant, and probably arguing with the last breath in his lungs.
Ray and I were neighbors for 10 years. We met and became friends because of the incompetent mailman. I kept getting his mail, and he got mine. We complained. Ray loved a good bitch session. Then I met his wife, and his kids, and his grandkids. He was family to me, and he treated me like a daughter. He mowed my lawn in summer, shoveled my paths in winter, drove me to the airport and bus station at the crack of dawn and the middle of the night. We went to restaurants together: Clam Box was his favorite. He even tried to give advice when Gumball wouldn't sleep. When I was insane and terrified to be alone, he went out and bought new locks and changed them at night, so I didn't have to be afraid about Gumball's dad returning. He helped me, listened to me cry, and included me in his family.
He was the sort of man that just doesn't exist any more. A hardass. Completely stubborn in his views, calling all and sundry "assholes" for not agreeing with him. But all the while, defending civil rights for gays and (remember his age) people of other races. He was raised by foster parents, went into the navy, and never got help or love from anyone, when he was a kid. But he worked hard, and made a good life for himself and his family.
I'm blessed to have known such a thoughtful, generous, loving person.
This has been a bad fucking year. I hate cancer.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Halloween and Then Some
First and foremost, I will start this entry by recounting the weeks of festivities surrounding Halloween. And I thought college students made the most of the holiday. Well, Oberlin College students do, at least. Yeah, well, they have nothing going on compared to babies.
Gumball and I, and two mom friends and their four (combined) kids went trick or treating eight days before Halloween. It was fun. I really enjoy these women. Not so fond of my pants. Dear god, do I really look this awful?
Continuing the fanfare, I accidentally celebrated Halloween several days early at playgroup. I'm not naming names, but someone (AHEM!) told me that everyone would be dressing up. So I dutifully stuffed Gumball into her duck costume. Again. And went to playgroup, where she was the only one in costume. Awesome. At least SHE is too young to be embarrassed.
Gumball had two outfits to wear on Halloween day. A daytime tutu and shirt.
Since I'm sharing photos, I'll share my favorite from my lovely friend C's visit. Last time I saw C, about two years ago, she was engaged. At this visit, I got to meet her charming and thoughtful husband, and their adorable baby. Gumball was a little obsessed with the baby. She basically spent the entire visit staring at him, and rocking him, while he was in the baby rocker. Later on, she enjoyed "being the baby" and rocking in the rocker. What a ham!
I'm doing well. I've received a few texts from Gumball's dad, but even though I miss him, I'm just not able to trust him. He doesn't understand how I can miss and love him, but be completely unwilling to take him back. He must have a piece missing. More to the point, these days, I'm trying to pay more attention to actions. Actions over words. And I really have moved on. Want to know how much I've moved on?
That's right. I joined a dating site.
It's true.
I don't feel like I want anything fast or serious, but I have been exchanging messages with three very interesting people. I may have even suggested a date with one of them.
Back to my goal of having a date while I'm still 36. Seems like it may actually come true.
Gumball and I, and two mom friends and their four (combined) kids went trick or treating eight days before Halloween. It was fun. I really enjoy these women. Not so fond of my pants. Dear god, do I really look this awful?
Gumball had two outfits to wear on Halloween day. A daytime tutu and shirt.
And, you know. The damn duck costume. For night. Again. At night, she also had her friend Kitty with her. And Little Dada, her babydoll. I was pleasantly surprised by how much the kids enjoyed trick or treating. We only went to four or five houses, but Gumball (Duck) and Kitty were smiling and chatting the entire time. I was certain she'd scream and cry, but I lucked out.
Since I'm sharing photos, I'll share my favorite from my lovely friend C's visit. Last time I saw C, about two years ago, she was engaged. At this visit, I got to meet her charming and thoughtful husband, and their adorable baby. Gumball was a little obsessed with the baby. She basically spent the entire visit staring at him, and rocking him, while he was in the baby rocker. Later on, she enjoyed "being the baby" and rocking in the rocker. What a ham!
Other recent fun events involved a trip to Walmart. It was fun because they have double carts. And the kids didn't mess with each other at all.
That's right. I joined a dating site.
It's true.
I don't feel like I want anything fast or serious, but I have been exchanging messages with three very interesting people. I may have even suggested a date with one of them.
Back to my goal of having a date while I'm still 36. Seems like it may actually come true.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
All and Sundry
Poor little Gumball has a cold. It's her first. I know I'm jinxing myself to many more colds by writing this. I feel so unable to soothe her. I can't wait til she's old enough to lie on the couch and watch game shows and drink ginger ale. That's what I did when I was sick as a kid. Totally fun. No whammys! And is the Price of Right interminable? I remember it going on and on and on for absolutely ever. Hour after hour of blurry, feverish fun.
We've been busy. Two playgroups a week, music class, swimming. Regular life. Etc. I feel like I'm getting into a routine of sorts, and I'm really enjoying all my (our) new friends. Grateful for an end to so many days alone.
My mom has been incredible helpful too. Ever since Gumball's nanny was out for two weeks, my mom has been really stepping up and helping more. She came over today, and I had made some pasta for dinner, and for her to take home. Nothing fancy. Lots of veggies: spinach, carrots, onions, garlic, scallions, peppers- everything that needed to be cooked immediately. In a tomato sauce, with ground pork (mom doesn't eat beef) and chicken sausage. Surprisingly delicious. I feel good when I make something healthy, and when I cook enough so mom doesn't have to make dinner. Living alone, in the land of zero delivery, means cooking every single meal. It's such a delight when someone brings dinner. And I like to share that feeling with my mom, and my friends. Wish I could do it more. If only the damn grocery store delivered, I would cook more for other people.
Winter is coming. I need to start thinking about weaning the baby. I want to breastfeed until she's 18 months old. I'm going to miss our morning cuddles very much though.
I've been doing weekly, or semi-weekly, phone therapy sessions with my old therapist. It makes me feel so good to talk to her, and also to hear, reflected in her voice, that I'm not entirely insane. I feel good, actually. My lawyer has the signed papers from Gumball's dad. She hasn't reviewed them yet, but it feels one step closer to closure.
Zumba has been good. I'm going to sign up for another 12 week session tonight. Those two hours a week are good for my soul. And the little bit of exercise I manage to glean out of the classes is good for my ass. And gut.
I have a small hope too. I'd like to go on a date while I'm still 36. Nothing serious, obviously. But a for real, adult, fun date. Pizza and beer would be so fun. And next weekend, we have a ladies movie night planned. I'm so excited.
We've been busy. Two playgroups a week, music class, swimming. Regular life. Etc. I feel like I'm getting into a routine of sorts, and I'm really enjoying all my (our) new friends. Grateful for an end to so many days alone.
My mom has been incredible helpful too. Ever since Gumball's nanny was out for two weeks, my mom has been really stepping up and helping more. She came over today, and I had made some pasta for dinner, and for her to take home. Nothing fancy. Lots of veggies: spinach, carrots, onions, garlic, scallions, peppers- everything that needed to be cooked immediately. In a tomato sauce, with ground pork (mom doesn't eat beef) and chicken sausage. Surprisingly delicious. I feel good when I make something healthy, and when I cook enough so mom doesn't have to make dinner. Living alone, in the land of zero delivery, means cooking every single meal. It's such a delight when someone brings dinner. And I like to share that feeling with my mom, and my friends. Wish I could do it more. If only the damn grocery store delivered, I would cook more for other people.
Winter is coming. I need to start thinking about weaning the baby. I want to breastfeed until she's 18 months old. I'm going to miss our morning cuddles very much though.
I've been doing weekly, or semi-weekly, phone therapy sessions with my old therapist. It makes me feel so good to talk to her, and also to hear, reflected in her voice, that I'm not entirely insane. I feel good, actually. My lawyer has the signed papers from Gumball's dad. She hasn't reviewed them yet, but it feels one step closer to closure.
Zumba has been good. I'm going to sign up for another 12 week session tonight. Those two hours a week are good for my soul. And the little bit of exercise I manage to glean out of the classes is good for my ass. And gut.
I have a small hope too. I'd like to go on a date while I'm still 36. Nothing serious, obviously. But a for real, adult, fun date. Pizza and beer would be so fun. And next weekend, we have a ladies movie night planned. I'm so excited.
Friday, October 21, 2011
A Year Ago
A year ago today was the lowest I've ever been. I had just returned to my old house. The baby was waking every 2 to 3 hours all night. I was so scared, depressed, and exhausted, that I couldn't sleep at all. I was terrified to be alone. I thought my ex was going to show up unexpectedly, and murder me to take the baby. Why did I think this? I was insane. And exhausted. I was so scared, I got my neighbor to change the locks, and then I bought a big, expensive home security system. Still couldn't sleep. I was hungry, my hair was falling out, and I was so devastated.
10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.
I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.
A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.
10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.
I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.
A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.
Here are some old photos of my stepsons. Aren't they beautiful? They look so much like my little Gumball.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Late August, September and Half of October Photobomb
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| Loves swinging |
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| Loves running, cracking my ankles |
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| First pony ride. Note to self: burn pants |
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| Strawberry hat |
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| Makes vroom-vroom noises |
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| Loves her kitty |
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| Wants an older brother just like C |
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| Some of my best friends came for a visit |
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| And we went apple picking |
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| She doesn't even mind when he cuddles with her |
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| Hanging with Nana |
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| Lunch with Nana, and Little Dada |
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| Baby friends |
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| Mama friends |
Waking Up
I don't know what came over me. Baby fever? Temporary amnesia? Full on insanity? Or is this a part of the grieving process. Was I really entertaining even the remotest possibility of taking R back? What?!? No, I'm sorry, it's like I just woke up. Yes, I had good times with him. Yes, we were very close. I loved him. But this guy left me, and his daughter, and there's no undoing that. Left us, and fathered two more children. I'll probably be able to stand near him at Gumball's high school and college graduations, if he can be bothered to be a part of her life then. We're not going to be friends though, not now or ever. And I think I'm ok with that.
What brought this about? He complained in a text message to me about having to spend $22 to mail our signed divorce papers back to my lawyer. The lawyer I've paid $5000, and who is sending me a bill for additional payment. Not to mention the $6000 that he owes me. Then there's the vast amount of money I spent on him- and his kids- while we were together. He has the audacity to complain about $22? Yeah. There's cheap, and then there's being spiritually cheap, and he's both. This has been a good wake up call for me.
So, please pardon my previous entries. I'm so over him it isn't even funny.
What brought this about? He complained in a text message to me about having to spend $22 to mail our signed divorce papers back to my lawyer. The lawyer I've paid $5000, and who is sending me a bill for additional payment. Not to mention the $6000 that he owes me. Then there's the vast amount of money I spent on him- and his kids- while we were together. He has the audacity to complain about $22? Yeah. There's cheap, and then there's being spiritually cheap, and he's both. This has been a good wake up call for me.
So, please pardon my previous entries. I'm so over him it isn't even funny.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Fall
I have been busy. Week two of no nanny. Zumba, two times a week, thanks to my mom watching Gumball. I've been unable to follow the steps in Zumba, but I enjoy it. I also
enjoy my new friend, A, who makes Zumba much more entertaining. She's
much better at it than I am, and I love her company. I royally suck at Zumba. Apparently, I no
longer know how to dirty dance. Which is fine. I'll have no need to
pelvic thrust ever again, I fear. Baby playgroups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I love the moms in the Thursday group. Really nice ladies. Baby music class on Mondays. This class is so ridiculous and horrible, I want to giggle pretty much throughout the entire (endless, tedious) class. Baby swim class on Fridays. Gumball has gone underwater multiple times! And my core ladies and babies are in the class. It's delightful.
I've received eight bazillion text messages and phone calls from Gumball's dad. He said he mailed the paperwork in today. He begged me to take him back, and he'll never know how close I was to allowing that to happen. I miss him. Some have suggested that I miss the companionship, and the idea of the relationship. People who know and love me said this. I don't think it's true. I miss his humor, his laughter, his obsession with eating healthy and weight lifting. When I was pregnant, he made me breakfast in bed many, many times. Once, he followed a recipe for eggs florentine, and it turned out so awful, absolutely inedible. I choked as much down as I could, but I couldn't eat spinach for months afterwards. He bought me malted milkshakes almost every day when I was pregnant. I miss his plans, his certainty, and cuddling with him on the sofa. I miss playing scrabble with him. Losing, more often than not. Going for long walks. Kayaking. He was very special to me. Not the idea of him, but him, actually.
I said- please don't leave your kids. I tried to put him off a thousand different ways: I said I want more kids, I said he needed to pay me back the $6000 he owes me, I said I'd never support him financially again. And I said that I'm not moving. He begged and begged, but eventually said that he hopes I find happiness. I hope he does too. I think this is the final letting go. I hope to god he is a decent parent to Gumball, but I have no expectations.
I'm tired and sad, and a tiny bit hopeful.
I've received eight bazillion text messages and phone calls from Gumball's dad. He said he mailed the paperwork in today. He begged me to take him back, and he'll never know how close I was to allowing that to happen. I miss him. Some have suggested that I miss the companionship, and the idea of the relationship. People who know and love me said this. I don't think it's true. I miss his humor, his laughter, his obsession with eating healthy and weight lifting. When I was pregnant, he made me breakfast in bed many, many times. Once, he followed a recipe for eggs florentine, and it turned out so awful, absolutely inedible. I choked as much down as I could, but I couldn't eat spinach for months afterwards. He bought me malted milkshakes almost every day when I was pregnant. I miss his plans, his certainty, and cuddling with him on the sofa. I miss playing scrabble with him. Losing, more often than not. Going for long walks. Kayaking. He was very special to me. Not the idea of him, but him, actually.
I said- please don't leave your kids. I tried to put him off a thousand different ways: I said I want more kids, I said he needed to pay me back the $6000 he owes me, I said I'd never support him financially again. And I said that I'm not moving. He begged and begged, but eventually said that he hopes I find happiness. I hope he does too. I think this is the final letting go. I hope to god he is a decent parent to Gumball, but I have no expectations.
I'm tired and sad, and a tiny bit hopeful.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Residual Feelings
He has continued to call me. A couple times a day. I continued to ignore his calls, but then last night I started to worry about whether or not ignoring his calls was a good idea. Once I have the papers signed and returned, I won't worry about this. And here's the other truth. I miss him. Hearing his voice was equally wonderful and terrible.
So last night I texted him that I was afraid that not answering his calls would result in him withholding the paperwork even longer. I'm acting like it's all about the divorce, but in reality it's 99% about the custody paperwork. Staying legally married doesn't scare me. Having my daughter's physical and legal custody in jeopardy? Now that is terrifying.
He called me immediately. He was driving, so he couldn't text me back. He said he would sign the paperwork and leave me alone, because obviously I don't love him as much as he loves me, bc I won't take him back. I didn't argue the point, as I know I love him much more than he'll ever love anyone other than himself. He said he didn't know how he'd see Gumball, given that we now live so far away from him. I said that I hope he figures out a way, and that if he wants to do it, he will. I offered to meet him about an hour a half closer to him, where my aunt lives.
The conversation tore me apart. He sounded exhausted, and sad. He never sounds that way. He's arrogant, cocky, and faintly superior sounding. I've never heard him sad or tired. He sounded defeated. It really broke my heart. I am controlling and codependent, but for fucks sake, I only ever wanted good things for him. I wanted his life to be better in every way. Even now, I hate to know he's suffering. It's a lot easier for me to think that he's happy, and to feel angry about it. To know how dead-end he has made his life, and to see how depressed he is, it hurts. He and I could have been happy together, and we both know it. And now we're both miserable instead. And he picked this.
I also realized that there are two scenarios in which I would take him back. Sick, I know. Don't be too mad at me, because neither will never happen. I wish I could stop seeing the million shades of grey in everything, bc then I would never have come up with these ridiculous scenarios.
1. When I'm super old, and he's slightly less super old. Since he's 7 years younger than I am. Maybe then we could be together.
2. If he were to leave his ex/current/whatever, get therapy, and be single for a couple of years. Figure out how this nonsense happened in the first place. If I knew he could maintain something for a significant period of time, I could trust him again. But this will never happen. It's like what I said about him seeing Gumball. If he wants it to happen, he will figure out how to make it happen.
So last night I texted him that I was afraid that not answering his calls would result in him withholding the paperwork even longer. I'm acting like it's all about the divorce, but in reality it's 99% about the custody paperwork. Staying legally married doesn't scare me. Having my daughter's physical and legal custody in jeopardy? Now that is terrifying.
He called me immediately. He was driving, so he couldn't text me back. He said he would sign the paperwork and leave me alone, because obviously I don't love him as much as he loves me, bc I won't take him back. I didn't argue the point, as I know I love him much more than he'll ever love anyone other than himself. He said he didn't know how he'd see Gumball, given that we now live so far away from him. I said that I hope he figures out a way, and that if he wants to do it, he will. I offered to meet him about an hour a half closer to him, where my aunt lives.
The conversation tore me apart. He sounded exhausted, and sad. He never sounds that way. He's arrogant, cocky, and faintly superior sounding. I've never heard him sad or tired. He sounded defeated. It really broke my heart. I am controlling and codependent, but for fucks sake, I only ever wanted good things for him. I wanted his life to be better in every way. Even now, I hate to know he's suffering. It's a lot easier for me to think that he's happy, and to feel angry about it. To know how dead-end he has made his life, and to see how depressed he is, it hurts. He and I could have been happy together, and we both know it. And now we're both miserable instead. And he picked this.
I also realized that there are two scenarios in which I would take him back. Sick, I know. Don't be too mad at me, because neither will never happen. I wish I could stop seeing the million shades of grey in everything, bc then I would never have come up with these ridiculous scenarios.
1. When I'm super old, and he's slightly less super old. Since he's 7 years younger than I am. Maybe then we could be together.
2. If he were to leave his ex/current/whatever, get therapy, and be single for a couple of years. Figure out how this nonsense happened in the first place. If I knew he could maintain something for a significant period of time, I could trust him again. But this will never happen. It's like what I said about him seeing Gumball. If he wants it to happen, he will figure out how to make it happen.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Life Continues
Sad text messages have been exchanged. I have stayed fast to my vow: to not take him back, ever. I have been kinder than I thought possible. I said what I had to say, but tried not to harm him, or his children in any way. Or our child. He's such a small, hurt, scared person on the inside. Not that he's ever admitted this. But I know him, just like he knows me. Over and over I have said, "work on your current relationship." Breaks my heart. He knows me, and knows my hopes and fears, and said pretty much everything I'd ever hoped to hear. But a year too late. There's no trust left, and very little respect. Almost none. I miss him, terribly, but I keep remembering that at home, he has 2 infant daughters. And two young boys. I couldn't be the person to encourage him to leave them. Furthermore, while I spend every evening alone, and sleep alone, and endure lonely, quiet weekends, he is surrounded by people who love him. I cried, suffered, didn't sleep, and was scared and sad and lonely. While he was both building and creating new lives with his ex.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I looked at her facebook page. The day he and I spoke, her status was that she was so grateful to be with her best friend, her rock, and that she didn't know what she'd do without him. Yuck. The same day he begged me to take him back.
He's called and texted, and I'm just trying to be ok, and not engage. Takes a lot of effort and energy, that I just don't have. I need him to sign our divorce, and more importantly, Gumball's custody papers. I will relax a little when this is set.
I'm sad. This is really wearing on me. At Zumba on Tuesday, I couldn't kept track of the steps and was constantly turning left when everyone else was doing something else. Frustrating. I heard an Adele song that a friend said reminded her of me, and I cried. My sorrow is very close to the surface these days. Please no one ask me why I moved here. I miss him so much. The only way I've made it this long without him was by telling myself that he was dead. Hard to do when he's texting and calling.
One thing that did strike me funny is that he was confused about why I didn't want to be friends with him, when I am friends with my first ex-husband. My first ex and I worked on our relationship. Hard. When things failed, we pushed on. We went to couples counseling for a year. When we decided, mutually, to split, we were sad. But we worked to preserve our friendship. R didn't understand any of that. How could he?
On a happy note, Gumball has been amazing. All of a sudden she is saying things all the time. I don't even know when or where she learns them. She neighs like a horse. She says up, neck, eye, nooooos (for nose), up, hat, milk... I don't want to repeat my previous list. She's awesome. And she's funny. I read a book, "Llama Llama Mad at Mama" and when I read "cough" she fake coughs. When I read "car" she goes "brrrrrrrrr brrrrrr." When I say "mama" she says "mama." And when I read "goodbye" she waves. I am astounded by her comprehension. The other day she put her toy kitchen's potholder on her head and kept repeating "hat, hat, hat." Cracks me up! She also learned how to spit out food. Not quite so charming. She's getting a 7th and possibly an 8th tooth too. And maybe more, but now that she has a ton of teeth, I'm less excited to put my finger in her mouth to feel around.
Very busy, lots of cooking, seeing friends, and baby activities. I'll be ok. A good night's sleep would help. Hahahahaha! Guess Gumball didn't get that memo.
Because I am a glutton for punishment, I looked at her facebook page. The day he and I spoke, her status was that she was so grateful to be with her best friend, her rock, and that she didn't know what she'd do without him. Yuck. The same day he begged me to take him back.
He's called and texted, and I'm just trying to be ok, and not engage. Takes a lot of effort and energy, that I just don't have. I need him to sign our divorce, and more importantly, Gumball's custody papers. I will relax a little when this is set.
I'm sad. This is really wearing on me. At Zumba on Tuesday, I couldn't kept track of the steps and was constantly turning left when everyone else was doing something else. Frustrating. I heard an Adele song that a friend said reminded her of me, and I cried. My sorrow is very close to the surface these days. Please no one ask me why I moved here. I miss him so much. The only way I've made it this long without him was by telling myself that he was dead. Hard to do when he's texting and calling.
One thing that did strike me funny is that he was confused about why I didn't want to be friends with him, when I am friends with my first ex-husband. My first ex and I worked on our relationship. Hard. When things failed, we pushed on. We went to couples counseling for a year. When we decided, mutually, to split, we were sad. But we worked to preserve our friendship. R didn't understand any of that. How could he?
On a happy note, Gumball has been amazing. All of a sudden she is saying things all the time. I don't even know when or where she learns them. She neighs like a horse. She says up, neck, eye, nooooos (for nose), up, hat, milk... I don't want to repeat my previous list. She's awesome. And she's funny. I read a book, "Llama Llama Mad at Mama" and when I read "cough" she fake coughs. When I read "car" she goes "brrrrrrrrr brrrrrr." When I say "mama" she says "mama." And when I read "goodbye" she waves. I am astounded by her comprehension. The other day she put her toy kitchen's potholder on her head and kept repeating "hat, hat, hat." Cracks me up! She also learned how to spit out food. Not quite so charming. She's getting a 7th and possibly an 8th tooth too. And maybe more, but now that she has a ton of teeth, I'm less excited to put my finger in her mouth to feel around.
Very busy, lots of cooking, seeing friends, and baby activities. I'll be ok. A good night's sleep would help. Hahahahaha! Guess Gumball didn't get that memo.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I Hate Being Right
I hate it. Hate being right.
I spoke with Gumball's dad. He said he would sign the divorce papers if I answered his call. So I did. And now I am sad. And sick. Its hard knowing that your soulmate exists, and that he loves you, and wishes you were still together. And that the little fragment of a person who loves you is completely submerged in another person. A crazy, hateful person, who promises nothing but pain, lies and misery.
Maybe someday, when he and I are super old, we could be friends. I miss him. Hearing his voice felt great. Jesus, I miss him. But the truth, that I shared with him, is that I will never let him back into my life again. My daughter will never have her dad walk out on her. He only offers misery and pain. I told him that I hope he works on his current relationship, takes care of his kids, and finds peace and happiness.
I'd like to find some peace and happiness too.
I spoke with Gumball's dad. He said he would sign the divorce papers if I answered his call. So I did. And now I am sad. And sick. Its hard knowing that your soulmate exists, and that he loves you, and wishes you were still together. And that the little fragment of a person who loves you is completely submerged in another person. A crazy, hateful person, who promises nothing but pain, lies and misery.
Maybe someday, when he and I are super old, we could be friends. I miss him. Hearing his voice felt great. Jesus, I miss him. But the truth, that I shared with him, is that I will never let him back into my life again. My daughter will never have her dad walk out on her. He only offers misery and pain. I told him that I hope he works on his current relationship, takes care of his kids, and finds peace and happiness.
I'd like to find some peace and happiness too.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Under Advisment
I was *advised* by a good friend, to omit ALL full names. So I have done some editing. Full names are gone.
I love knowing lawyers. She is now permitted to spell Zumba any damn way she pleases and I will bite my tongue in gratitude.
Thank you, S. I appreciate it.
I love knowing lawyers. She is now permitted to spell Zumba any damn way she pleases and I will bite my tongue in gratitude.
Thank you, S. I appreciate it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Going Public
I think I am going to bite the bullet.
And share the link to my blog with my friends. I've linked to a few blogs my friends write. But not all the blogs I link to are written by friends. This sounds like one of those weird SAT questions. Conditional statements. Yuck.
Anyhow, one of my friends found the blog this way. (_Waving and grinning_ shouts "Hi S!!! HI HI HI.") And my new friend, A, found it too. HI HI HI! Hope you don't mind being written about! You're awesome, especially for looking away when I teared up. I'm so glad we met! When is Zumba going to make me skinny?
I know there's a lot of personal stuff here. Its probably self-indulgent drivel, so indulge me. It makes me feel better to write it down. I spend a lot of time alone, and I don't love chatting on the phone. I don't cry when I write. Indulge me please, and don't judge me too harshly. I'm pretty sure I've spent most of the past 13 months wondering how in the fuck I could ever have been so stupid. I kind of know how I got here, if that makes any difference. I wanted a family, a big one. Stepsons lured me in. And I loved R so much. And I wanted my own baby, and a big family more than anything else in the world. So here I am.
I also hesitate to share this bc I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I got myself into this mess. I have to get myself out of it. Lots and lots of people have helped me. Lots have made me smile and laugh, and have kept me going, even when I could barely put one foot in front of another. I am an ingrate, and should be writing long, in depth odes to the friends who saved me. Did I ever mention that D and S wrote me almost every single day for months? Enduring my insane questions about how to actually bathe the baby (it took me 4 weeks to get up the courage. Don't judge. I bathe her plenty now.) And D promised me friendship and company if I left my entire life and moved back to VT- and she's made good on her offer, introducing me to friends, involving me in her life. I am so grateful. Did I mention that my dear friend J battles stage 2 breast cancer, enduring months of chemo, and daily radiation, and still manages to call, text and regularly check in to see how I am doing. I could hang my head in shame, bc she is such an inspiration. Hee hee, if she reads this, she will be furious with me for calling her an inspiration. And S and S, both who have busy jobs and kids, but visited me and called me, and texted... I owe them too. C stayed at my house many nights, when I was so scared and depressed that I couldn't breathe, let alone sleep. She gave me a reprieve from constant anxiety and fear. And I am so grateful to my mom. I can't even say everything she has done. Words aren't sufficient. She saved my life. All the women I know called, and wrote, and sent gifts to Gumball, and made me feel loved. I owe my life to my friends, and my daughter. And I hesitate to share this bc I don't want to forget anyone or make anyone feel bad. I am so grateful to all of you. You have no idea.
Well, I am crying now. So grateful. I'm come so far, and still have so far to go. I may not be the best judge in (second) husbands, but I have the best, kindest, smartest, most loving, most beautiful friends in the entire world. I love you all so much.
And share the link to my blog with my friends. I've linked to a few blogs my friends write. But not all the blogs I link to are written by friends. This sounds like one of those weird SAT questions. Conditional statements. Yuck.
Anyhow, one of my friends found the blog this way. (_Waving and grinning_ shouts "Hi S!!! HI HI HI.") And my new friend, A, found it too. HI HI HI! Hope you don't mind being written about! You're awesome, especially for looking away when I teared up. I'm so glad we met! When is Zumba going to make me skinny?
I know there's a lot of personal stuff here. Its probably self-indulgent drivel, so indulge me. It makes me feel better to write it down. I spend a lot of time alone, and I don't love chatting on the phone. I don't cry when I write. Indulge me please, and don't judge me too harshly. I'm pretty sure I've spent most of the past 13 months wondering how in the fuck I could ever have been so stupid. I kind of know how I got here, if that makes any difference. I wanted a family, a big one. Stepsons lured me in. And I loved R so much. And I wanted my own baby, and a big family more than anything else in the world. So here I am.
I also hesitate to share this bc I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I got myself into this mess. I have to get myself out of it. Lots and lots of people have helped me. Lots have made me smile and laugh, and have kept me going, even when I could barely put one foot in front of another. I am an ingrate, and should be writing long, in depth odes to the friends who saved me. Did I ever mention that D and S wrote me almost every single day for months? Enduring my insane questions about how to actually bathe the baby (it took me 4 weeks to get up the courage. Don't judge. I bathe her plenty now.) And D promised me friendship and company if I left my entire life and moved back to VT- and she's made good on her offer, introducing me to friends, involving me in her life. I am so grateful. Did I mention that my dear friend J battles stage 2 breast cancer, enduring months of chemo, and daily radiation, and still manages to call, text and regularly check in to see how I am doing. I could hang my head in shame, bc she is such an inspiration. Hee hee, if she reads this, she will be furious with me for calling her an inspiration. And S and S, both who have busy jobs and kids, but visited me and called me, and texted... I owe them too. C stayed at my house many nights, when I was so scared and depressed that I couldn't breathe, let alone sleep. She gave me a reprieve from constant anxiety and fear. And I am so grateful to my mom. I can't even say everything she has done. Words aren't sufficient. She saved my life. All the women I know called, and wrote, and sent gifts to Gumball, and made me feel loved. I owe my life to my friends, and my daughter. And I hesitate to share this bc I don't want to forget anyone or make anyone feel bad. I am so grateful to all of you. You have no idea.
Well, I am crying now. So grateful. I'm come so far, and still have so far to go. I may not be the best judge in (second) husbands, but I have the best, kindest, smartest, most loving, most beautiful friends in the entire world. I love you all so much.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
What a Difference a Day (or 2) Make
I had bacon and eggs for dinner, and may have a glass of wine, or a beer, for dessert.
Got _yet another_ text message from R last night:
I don't want to divorce you.
I spent the night tossing and turning (apparently so did little Rat, bc she woke up twice). I was sad. I felt lonely and awful, and missed R so badly. I didn't respond to his text. Then I spoke with my mom, and she felt that the least inciting response would be to ask him to please sign the paperwork. I agreed. So I wrote him, "will you please just sign and return the paperwork."
To which he responded:
I'm going to have a lawyer look it over first. I don't think it's quite fair.
I am spitting mad. The case has already been to court. The divorce is costing me A LOT of money. $5,000 so far. And I'm pretty certain it's going to be at least twice that. And NOW, NOW, he wants to get a lawyer? NOW he asserts that the settlement WE agreed on isn't fair?
Seriously?
Seriously.
I think he is going to try to get money from me, somehow. We weren't married long enough for him to qualify for anything. But, my fear, my absolute terror, is that he will try to leverage visitation with my sweet little Gumball. I hope, for her sake, that she has a loving and supportive relationship with her dad. I hope he wouldn't try to take her just to get money from me. I am really scared, and very, very angry. Not quite angry enough to share his messages with his friends, family, and most importantly, that whore he lives with, but close.
Got _yet another_ text message from R last night:
I don't want to divorce you.
I spent the night tossing and turning (apparently so did little Rat, bc she woke up twice). I was sad. I felt lonely and awful, and missed R so badly. I didn't respond to his text. Then I spoke with my mom, and she felt that the least inciting response would be to ask him to please sign the paperwork. I agreed. So I wrote him, "will you please just sign and return the paperwork."
To which he responded:
I'm going to have a lawyer look it over first. I don't think it's quite fair.
I am spitting mad. The case has already been to court. The divorce is costing me A LOT of money. $5,000 so far. And I'm pretty certain it's going to be at least twice that. And NOW, NOW, he wants to get a lawyer? NOW he asserts that the settlement WE agreed on isn't fair?
Seriously?
Seriously.
I think he is going to try to get money from me, somehow. We weren't married long enough for him to qualify for anything. But, my fear, my absolute terror, is that he will try to leverage visitation with my sweet little Gumball. I hope, for her sake, that she has a loving and supportive relationship with her dad. I hope he wouldn't try to take her just to get money from me. I am really scared, and very, very angry. Not quite angry enough to share his messages with his friends, family, and most importantly, that whore he lives with, but close.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Updates: Zumba and Divorce
I had my first Zumba class last night. I texted a high school friend of mine to tell her that I was going to go to this class, and she replied that she loves "Zhumba." I found the added "h" so annoying I had to put the phone down. Forcefully. So if I am spelling it wrong, please do not tell me. I don't care.
Zumba was HARD! I invited my new friend A to join the class with me. A and I met online- through BabyCenter Community. It's true, I meet strangers off the internet. Rogue moms. A is awesome, and I really enjoy her company. It's so nice to meet someone I enjoy this much. I just _wish_ I could explain how I am single without tearing up. She's kind though, and looked away, then pretended not to have seen anything.
A's daughter is 3 or 4 days older than Gumball. And we're doing baby swim class together. And Zumba. We laughed so much my stomach still hurts. I probably laughed more last night that I had in a year. I am out of practice. And speaking of out of practice... I used to go out dancing every night I could. All night. To merengue and salsa. I loved dancing. In Zumba class, I could barely pant my way through one song. After 20 minutes, I thought I was going to drop dead. By 45 minutes, I was staggering, and covered in sweat. I am so scared about class tomorrow. That said, it felt wonderful to do something just for myself, and to laugh. I hope I don't have to miss too many classes. I am not the fattest or most out of shape person there, but close.
In other news, apparently being married to me is such a wonderful thing that R just can't seem to sign the goddamn divorce papers. My lawyer has sent him the paperwork to be signed 2 times. (Ca-ching, ca-ching.) And called him a dozen times (at $50/per call. Thanks, asshole.) I don't even know what will happen if he won't sign the papers. I just want this to be over. I may just have to send him another text message, and beg him to please just sign the papers. I have no idea why he won't just sign the damn things, and let me go in peace.
Gumball has been amazing. Today she said "baby" instead of "dada" (once) and said "neck" while pointing to her neck, and also said "monk" totally unprompted when there was a picture of a monkey in our book. She's so much fun these days. I just love her so much. Maybe that's obvious, or verboten, but damn, this little person makes every second of suffering seem like nothing. She is amazing and sweet and sensitive.
Zumba was HARD! I invited my new friend A to join the class with me. A and I met online- through BabyCenter Community. It's true, I meet strangers off the internet. Rogue moms. A is awesome, and I really enjoy her company. It's so nice to meet someone I enjoy this much. I just _wish_ I could explain how I am single without tearing up. She's kind though, and looked away, then pretended not to have seen anything.
A's daughter is 3 or 4 days older than Gumball. And we're doing baby swim class together. And Zumba. We laughed so much my stomach still hurts. I probably laughed more last night that I had in a year. I am out of practice. And speaking of out of practice... I used to go out dancing every night I could. All night. To merengue and salsa. I loved dancing. In Zumba class, I could barely pant my way through one song. After 20 minutes, I thought I was going to drop dead. By 45 minutes, I was staggering, and covered in sweat. I am so scared about class tomorrow. That said, it felt wonderful to do something just for myself, and to laugh. I hope I don't have to miss too many classes. I am not the fattest or most out of shape person there, but close.
In other news, apparently being married to me is such a wonderful thing that R just can't seem to sign the goddamn divorce papers. My lawyer has sent him the paperwork to be signed 2 times. (Ca-ching, ca-ching.) And called him a dozen times (at $50/per call. Thanks, asshole.) I don't even know what will happen if he won't sign the papers. I just want this to be over. I may just have to send him another text message, and beg him to please just sign the papers. I have no idea why he won't just sign the damn things, and let me go in peace.
Gumball has been amazing. Today she said "baby" instead of "dada" (once) and said "neck" while pointing to her neck, and also said "monk" totally unprompted when there was a picture of a monkey in our book. She's so much fun these days. I just love her so much. Maybe that's obvious, or verboten, but damn, this little person makes every second of suffering seem like nothing. She is amazing and sweet and sensitive.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
What She Ate
I can't remember a lot of things: hard and fast rules of capitalization, birthdays, epidemiology, what I was going to say next... but I do remember what I ate. I have a semi-photographic memory for what I ate. I remember the night after my first wedding/engagement party, we went to an Italian restaurant, and I had this steak with paté, cheese and tomato sauce on it. At the wedding/engagement party, I ate meatballs. This was in 2000. I remember what I ate when I turned 20. Olive Garden, cannolini. I guess I remember meals associated with special events. When I turned 35, R and I went out to dinner with some of my closest friends, D and L. We went to my favorite fancy restaurant: L'espalier. We did a tasting meal, and I didn't like anything. The foam tasted like beer. I was pregnant, and I didn't know it. Food was gross for a good 6 months.
Last night, I had a very sad dream about R. I dreamed I went to see him, and he ignored me. He and his_ whatever she is_ ignored me, and laughed at it. I was so sad when I woke up. I miss him. We could have been so happy together.
At breakfast, I had a piece and a half of cheese toast: gruyere on multigrain. Gumball had 1/2 a piece. Then mom came over. Gumball was delighted. We went to a local harvest festival. Lots of lawn sales and people with dogs. I've never seen so many dogs at an outing. Gumball is in love with dogs these days. Whenever she sees one, she goes "OG!!! Uff uff uff." She said that about 100 times today. Except when she was demanding I give her a felt ball. Then she said "DAAAAAAAAH!!!!" I bought the ball immediately, and nana was able to hide it before Gumball dropped it, or gave it to an Og. And I bought her something else, something totally awesome. I am so excited! I got her this: OMG OMG THIS THIS!!!!! It was $35. It's not identical to this- it has plastic mane, and no motion activated sounds. Thank goodness. I am overjoyed. I wish I could ride it. I ate a piece of spanikopita. It was so-so.
Then we came home, and we napped. And when we woke, we went to E & P's house. Their son, L, is just a month older than Gumball. Our other friends were there already. I brought hamburger, cheese, bread and cupcakes. We had a lovely dinner. I am so lucky to know these people. Everyday, when I am not alone, when Gumball and I laugh and talk and spend time with friends and my mom, I am so grateful. I am anxious about winter coming, scared that this winter will be a repeat of last. I know that is improbable. I am not going to be alone, every day, depressed, terrified, exhausted, insane. I am not going to lose 40 lbs in 2 months, and cry daily. I wish I could lose the 40 lbs though. I am not going to cry daily. Just when I watch any TV that has anything to do with babies. I have friends with babies here, and my mom, and I am going to be happy again. Today was a wonderful start.
Last night, I had a very sad dream about R. I dreamed I went to see him, and he ignored me. He and his_ whatever she is_ ignored me, and laughed at it. I was so sad when I woke up. I miss him. We could have been so happy together.
At breakfast, I had a piece and a half of cheese toast: gruyere on multigrain. Gumball had 1/2 a piece. Then mom came over. Gumball was delighted. We went to a local harvest festival. Lots of lawn sales and people with dogs. I've never seen so many dogs at an outing. Gumball is in love with dogs these days. Whenever she sees one, she goes "OG!!! Uff uff uff." She said that about 100 times today. Except when she was demanding I give her a felt ball. Then she said "DAAAAAAAAH!!!!" I bought the ball immediately, and nana was able to hide it before Gumball dropped it, or gave it to an Og. And I bought her something else, something totally awesome. I am so excited! I got her this: OMG OMG THIS THIS!!!!! It was $35. It's not identical to this- it has plastic mane, and no motion activated sounds. Thank goodness. I am overjoyed. I wish I could ride it. I ate a piece of spanikopita. It was so-so.
Then we came home, and we napped. And when we woke, we went to E & P's house. Their son, L, is just a month older than Gumball. Our other friends were there already. I brought hamburger, cheese, bread and cupcakes. We had a lovely dinner. I am so lucky to know these people. Everyday, when I am not alone, when Gumball and I laugh and talk and spend time with friends and my mom, I am so grateful. I am anxious about winter coming, scared that this winter will be a repeat of last. I know that is improbable. I am not going to be alone, every day, depressed, terrified, exhausted, insane. I am not going to lose 40 lbs in 2 months, and cry daily. I wish I could lose the 40 lbs though. I am not going to cry daily. Just when I watch any TV that has anything to do with babies. I have friends with babies here, and my mom, and I am going to be happy again. Today was a wonderful start.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Today
Today I am feeling pessimistic. I had fun guests. My plumber from Massachusetts who fixed my entire house- not just plumbing, pretty much out of the kindness of his big heart. And his wife. I invited them to come and visit. It was nice to have guests, nice to have people to watch TV with, nice to have a big family dinner. And nice, sort of, to have the house to myself again.
I'm tired. It's been about a week since I've had a normal night's sleep. 6 hours, interrupted, a night, is not enough for me now. It makes me feel pessimistic. Old and tired. Baby is teething, and she is very excited about standing, and bouncing in her crib. I love watching on the monitor, but live in fear that she will toss Kitty, and I'll have to run up and rescue him. I don't think she can sleep without him. She's getting very willful. And attached to things. Like her ball (actually any ball, and sometimes balls. Or DAAAAAAAHHHHH! As she likes to say.) And her baby dolls. "Dada" and little "Dada."
I contacted a couple of old flings. Guys I had some casual dates with. Did I mention that before? It was for the ego boost. One lives in CT, the other in MA. It was a good ego boost, more or less. They remembered me, were glad I wrote, offered- vaguely- to come visit me. I remembered why I liked R more than I liked either of them.
Gumball's nanny is having an elective surgery on October 4th. Which means she'll possibly be out of work for 2 weeks. And I will have to miss 4 of my 12 Zumba classes. I'm so tired, and lonely, and this really bums me out. I fully admit that I am entirely selfish. That's also a lot of days with no help. My mom will come over for an hour or 2, but that's not much when I feel tired.
And winter is coming. I hate winter. I hate cold. I really feel like I am starting to get more depressed, and want to be on meds again, but am so reluctant to stop breastfeeding Baby. She may very well be my only child, and I'm not ready to stop nursing her. And when I'm exhausted, I can curl up in bed with her and she will happily nurse for 30 minutes- and I get a little rest. It's not much, but it provides a real relief some days. And I love the bond we have, through breastfeeding. I've been so lucky to have been able to do it. I just wish I was on meds too. And yes, I know some psych meds are compatible with breastfeeding. I am not comfortable with the long term consequences of breastfeeding while taking psych meds. Also, my preferred med is not safe while breastfeeding.
Maybe I'll get a sun replacement lamp or something.
I'm tired. It's been about a week since I've had a normal night's sleep. 6 hours, interrupted, a night, is not enough for me now. It makes me feel pessimistic. Old and tired. Baby is teething, and she is very excited about standing, and bouncing in her crib. I love watching on the monitor, but live in fear that she will toss Kitty, and I'll have to run up and rescue him. I don't think she can sleep without him. She's getting very willful. And attached to things. Like her ball (actually any ball, and sometimes balls. Or DAAAAAAAHHHHH! As she likes to say.) And her baby dolls. "Dada" and little "Dada."
I contacted a couple of old flings. Guys I had some casual dates with. Did I mention that before? It was for the ego boost. One lives in CT, the other in MA. It was a good ego boost, more or less. They remembered me, were glad I wrote, offered- vaguely- to come visit me. I remembered why I liked R more than I liked either of them.
Gumball's nanny is having an elective surgery on October 4th. Which means she'll possibly be out of work for 2 weeks. And I will have to miss 4 of my 12 Zumba classes. I'm so tired, and lonely, and this really bums me out. I fully admit that I am entirely selfish. That's also a lot of days with no help. My mom will come over for an hour or 2, but that's not much when I feel tired.
And winter is coming. I hate winter. I hate cold. I really feel like I am starting to get more depressed, and want to be on meds again, but am so reluctant to stop breastfeeding Baby. She may very well be my only child, and I'm not ready to stop nursing her. And when I'm exhausted, I can curl up in bed with her and she will happily nurse for 30 minutes- and I get a little rest. It's not much, but it provides a real relief some days. And I love the bond we have, through breastfeeding. I've been so lucky to have been able to do it. I just wish I was on meds too. And yes, I know some psych meds are compatible with breastfeeding. I am not comfortable with the long term consequences of breastfeeding while taking psych meds. Also, my preferred med is not safe while breastfeeding.
Maybe I'll get a sun replacement lamp or something.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Gumball's Words
Gumball is getting quite chatty these days. She says the following:
Knee- "kneeeeeeeee"
Dog- "Og"
Kitty- "Eee-eee"
Ball- "Daaaaaaaah!" (always extremely loud and excited)
Baby- "Dayday"
Duck- "duck"
Snack- "mum mum" (she thinks any puff or cracker or cookie is a mum mum.)
She also knows what sounds the following animals make:
Dog- "uh uh" (with lips pursed)
Cat- "maow maow" (sometimes this turns into "mommy mommy" which is funny bc I think that's what Pumpkin- our cat- is saying too.)
Cow- "moo moo"
Sheep "ma ma"
Fish- "___" (opens and closes her mouth)
I know. She's a genius. She finally started self feeding too! At 13 months. Prior to this event, she would put mum mums, McDonald's french fries, and baby cheese puffs into her mouth. Now she will also insert strawberries (cut up into 800 pieces), cheese, turkey, lamb, steak, sweet potato, toast, waffle... and probably other things too. Baby likes meat, which seems sort of funny, in someone who only has 6 teeth.
And her teeth. She has top and bottom incisors. And then the next tooth, on the left side, top and bottom. It looks funny, but don't tell her that.
She is loving music and has started "dancing" a little. Dancing involves moving her butt up and down, as far as I can tell.
She's also started waking between 4:30 and 5am, which is super annoying. I change and nurse her, and she goes back to sleep with little fussing. I wish she would cut it out though.
Knee- "kneeeeeeeee"
Dog- "Og"
Kitty- "Eee-eee"
Ball- "Daaaaaaaah!" (always extremely loud and excited)
Baby- "Dayday"
Duck- "duck"
Snack- "mum mum" (she thinks any puff or cracker or cookie is a mum mum.)
She also knows what sounds the following animals make:
Dog- "uh uh" (with lips pursed)
Cat- "maow maow" (sometimes this turns into "mommy mommy" which is funny bc I think that's what Pumpkin- our cat- is saying too.)
Cow- "moo moo"
Sheep "ma ma"
Fish- "___" (opens and closes her mouth)
I know. She's a genius. She finally started self feeding too! At 13 months. Prior to this event, she would put mum mums, McDonald's french fries, and baby cheese puffs into her mouth. Now she will also insert strawberries (cut up into 800 pieces), cheese, turkey, lamb, steak, sweet potato, toast, waffle... and probably other things too. Baby likes meat, which seems sort of funny, in someone who only has 6 teeth.
And her teeth. She has top and bottom incisors. And then the next tooth, on the left side, top and bottom. It looks funny, but don't tell her that.
She is loving music and has started "dancing" a little. Dancing involves moving her butt up and down, as far as I can tell.
She's also started waking between 4:30 and 5am, which is super annoying. I change and nurse her, and she goes back to sleep with little fussing. I wish she would cut it out though.
Friday, September 16, 2011
He said, I Said, He Said
Hey.
Remember how I said I wasn't going to write another word about Gumball's dad? Yeah. Well, I presumed that the mean (true) and nasty (entirely true) text message I sent him would shut him up. I was wrong. It apparently made him feel loved or some such bullshit, bc he's been sending me text messages.
He said this:
You were a beautiful, wonderful wife, and my best friend. I have no doubt that you are now a great mom. I hope you and Gumball are doing well. My life has been filled with tough decisions and poor choices. I hope that you guys don't hate me forever.
His misery is palatable, no? The message made me sad. Really, really sad. I cried. But didn't respond. Then, last night he wrote again. How are you? And it made me so furious. He doesn't get to come back into my life. How am I? Well shit, where should I start? Alone, depressed, tired, determined, fighting to maintain a sense of normal every day. Bored, lost, and lonely? Yeah. Fuck you. So I wrote the following:
I don't know what you want from me or what sort of response you're expecting. I loved you. I was proud to be your wife and I fully expected to spend my life with you. You left. I cried every day. My hair fell out. If you can even comprehend another person's suffering; believe me. I suffered. I wanted to die. Every single day. I loved you and gave you everything: my heart, soul, body, home, life. I wasn't perfect. I begged you to go to therapy. But you left. You took away my stepsons and my daughter's father. You got that whore pregnant. Don't write me again unless it has to do with Gumball. I'm not your friend. I don't love you anymore. I hope you seek professional help- clearly you need it. I don't mean that in a snotty way. I think you might be able to find peace that way. I sincerely hope you do. Any pain you're feeling now is a small fragment of what I felt, and you deserve it. Stop running from real life and from problems. Work on the relationship you're in. Be a dad to the kids you're with. Just please, please leave me alone. I'm not like you guys. I feel pain and I'm fragile and maybe crazy as you so often liked to say. I bitterly miss the person I thought you were. That guy was my soul mate. You are not him and will never be. The only way I will ever relate to you again is as Gumball's dad. And the second you fuck that up, I'm done with you all together. You picked this. You picked it.
I probably should have edited it down, but it felt good to say that. And even though I do still love the asshole, in some weird and stupid way, I know that he can bring nothing good to my life, or to my daughter's life. I recognize that she deserves a lot better, and hope to someday internalize that I too deserve better.
And then he responded. He probably shouldn't have. His response is so full of self-pity and weakness that it made me sick. I'm not scared of weakness or repulsed by it. I can be weak. But wallowing in it, and indulging in this blatant "woe is me" crap just doesn't cut it with me these days. I haven't indulged myself in such a long time, that his text made me queasy. Have some ownership, and agency, for fuck's sake.
Who exactly did you think I was? As far as I know I haven't changed since I was 5 years old. When you met me I was a poor, uneducated truck driver with too many kids. You loved me anyway. The way I left our relationship was wrong, but not completely unprovoked. I do love you. I've missed you every day. I sincerely hope that one day we can at least be on speaking terms again. Per your request I won't message you again unless you tell me too. I'm still unsure of how you expect me to be a part of Gumball's life when you guys live in northern Vt. I am open to suggestions.
Idiot.
Remember how I said I wasn't going to write another word about Gumball's dad? Yeah. Well, I presumed that the mean (true) and nasty (entirely true) text message I sent him would shut him up. I was wrong. It apparently made him feel loved or some such bullshit, bc he's been sending me text messages.
He said this:
You were a beautiful, wonderful wife, and my best friend. I have no doubt that you are now a great mom. I hope you and Gumball are doing well. My life has been filled with tough decisions and poor choices. I hope that you guys don't hate me forever.
His misery is palatable, no? The message made me sad. Really, really sad. I cried. But didn't respond. Then, last night he wrote again. How are you? And it made me so furious. He doesn't get to come back into my life. How am I? Well shit, where should I start? Alone, depressed, tired, determined, fighting to maintain a sense of normal every day. Bored, lost, and lonely? Yeah. Fuck you. So I wrote the following:
I don't know what you want from me or what sort of response you're expecting. I loved you. I was proud to be your wife and I fully expected to spend my life with you. You left. I cried every day. My hair fell out. If you can even comprehend another person's suffering; believe me. I suffered. I wanted to die. Every single day. I loved you and gave you everything: my heart, soul, body, home, life. I wasn't perfect. I begged you to go to therapy. But you left. You took away my stepsons and my daughter's father. You got that whore pregnant. Don't write me again unless it has to do with Gumball. I'm not your friend. I don't love you anymore. I hope you seek professional help- clearly you need it. I don't mean that in a snotty way. I think you might be able to find peace that way. I sincerely hope you do. Any pain you're feeling now is a small fragment of what I felt, and you deserve it. Stop running from real life and from problems. Work on the relationship you're in. Be a dad to the kids you're with. Just please, please leave me alone. I'm not like you guys. I feel pain and I'm fragile and maybe crazy as you so often liked to say. I bitterly miss the person I thought you were. That guy was my soul mate. You are not him and will never be. The only way I will ever relate to you again is as Gumball's dad. And the second you fuck that up, I'm done with you all together. You picked this. You picked it.
I probably should have edited it down, but it felt good to say that. And even though I do still love the asshole, in some weird and stupid way, I know that he can bring nothing good to my life, or to my daughter's life. I recognize that she deserves a lot better, and hope to someday internalize that I too deserve better.
And then he responded. He probably shouldn't have. His response is so full of self-pity and weakness that it made me sick. I'm not scared of weakness or repulsed by it. I can be weak. But wallowing in it, and indulging in this blatant "woe is me" crap just doesn't cut it with me these days. I haven't indulged myself in such a long time, that his text made me queasy. Have some ownership, and agency, for fuck's sake.
Who exactly did you think I was? As far as I know I haven't changed since I was 5 years old. When you met me I was a poor, uneducated truck driver with too many kids. You loved me anyway. The way I left our relationship was wrong, but not completely unprovoked. I do love you. I've missed you every day. I sincerely hope that one day we can at least be on speaking terms again. Per your request I won't message you again unless you tell me too. I'm still unsure of how you expect me to be a part of Gumball's life when you guys live in northern Vt. I am open to suggestions.
Idiot.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
All the (not so) Juicy Details
Reflecting on my two marriages and romantic life in general has caused me to wonder: am I ever going to have sex again?
If reading about my (boring) thoughts and concerns about sex is officially TMI, please skip this entry. Truthfully, I'm not going to share anything particularly lurid. I'm shy. Then again, after years of working providing STD counseling and partner services, my idea of "particularly lurid" might not be the same as yours. Probably not. That said' I'm going to be brief and chaste. Someday Gumball will be able to read, and the last thing I want her to be subjected to is the idea of her Mama having a sex life. (Believe me, Gumball, Mama never had sex.)
I miss having a loving, warm, physical relationship. I was so sick, and then so huge and heavy and gross that I really didn't feel that sexual while pregnant. Consequently, I think it has been approximately one year and nine months. And this dry spell has absolutely no end in sight. I'm someone's MOM now. How could I possibly date? I can't even imagine the logistics of it. Not to mention that this situation has left me feeling old and bitter. Old, bitter, and with not much to bring to a relationship. I know now isn't the time. A friend's therapist told her to expect to mourn for one month for each year she was together with her soon-to-be ex-husband. I've been mourning for a year and still am not done yet. Definitely not ready to start thinking about a new relationship yet. Which brings me back to the question- when will I have sex again? Probably not for a very long time. In fact, by the time I have sex again, it will have probably changed in such fundamental ways that I will no longer know what I'm doing. Geez.
I really miss it though.
If reading about my (boring) thoughts and concerns about sex is officially TMI, please skip this entry. Truthfully, I'm not going to share anything particularly lurid. I'm shy. Then again, after years of working providing STD counseling and partner services, my idea of "particularly lurid" might not be the same as yours. Probably not. That said' I'm going to be brief and chaste. Someday Gumball will be able to read, and the last thing I want her to be subjected to is the idea of her Mama having a sex life. (Believe me, Gumball, Mama never had sex.)
I miss having a loving, warm, physical relationship. I was so sick, and then so huge and heavy and gross that I really didn't feel that sexual while pregnant. Consequently, I think it has been approximately one year and nine months. And this dry spell has absolutely no end in sight. I'm someone's MOM now. How could I possibly date? I can't even imagine the logistics of it. Not to mention that this situation has left me feeling old and bitter. Old, bitter, and with not much to bring to a relationship. I know now isn't the time. A friend's therapist told her to expect to mourn for one month for each year she was together with her soon-to-be ex-husband. I've been mourning for a year and still am not done yet. Definitely not ready to start thinking about a new relationship yet. Which brings me back to the question- when will I have sex again? Probably not for a very long time. In fact, by the time I have sex again, it will have probably changed in such fundamental ways that I will no longer know what I'm doing. Geez.
I really miss it though.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Triumphant Return!
I just signed up for 12 Zumba classes.
Is this my triumphant return? Or is it like the feathers I just got put into my hair? Passé and outmoded? Am I a Kate Gosselin wannabe?
Anyhow, I am hoping these 12 classes magically transform me into... less fat.
Is this my triumphant return? Or is it like the feathers I just got put into my hair? Passé and outmoded? Am I a Kate Gosselin wannabe?
Anyhow, I am hoping these 12 classes magically transform me into... less fat.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Ancient History
Today I was thinking about my past relationships. I'm 36, and pretty inexperienced. Especially considering that I've been married, and divorced, twice. I was a late bloomer. Painfully shy, hidden under a thin layer of extroversion. I still am that way, sort of. Someone once called me an extroverted introvert. True? Who knows.
In high school I didn't date anyone. I had crushes, and two very nice, kind, funny, handsome kids had crushes on me. I was too scared and shy to like them back. Too awkward. It was awful and excruciating to me that anyone could possibly like me.
College was a little different. I dated two people. More like two and a half, actually, but I'll only count two. I loved both, in a super young, immature sort of way. Only told one of them that I loved them, but managed, through the years, to stay in some sort of touch with both. Both are married now and seem, from their presence on Facebook, to be happy. Who doesn't seem happy on Facebook? Me. I don't. Anyhow, I just want to say that whenever I see photos of the second person I dated, I become completely self-congratulatory because while she was beautiful in college, she is absolutely stunning now. Radiant. And has been a great source of parenting info, when asked. The other person, a lovely and sweet guy, totally had my heart. I pined after him for years, but never said a word.
After college, I joined Peace Corps. Went to Bolivia. As I arrived with a decent level of fluency in Spanish, I started going out and dating immediately. Volunteers, locals, whoever. It was incredibly fun. I went out dancing every other night, made great friends, and met my first husband. I probably wasn't ready to get married, but I couldn't imagine life without him.
He is a lovely, warm person. After 8 or so years of being together, we just weren't good as a couple anymore. I love him too much, as a friend, to explain why here. Our friendship is still one of my most important relationships. I will say that with him, I grew up. Our relationship turned me into an adult. I learned that even though I tried as hard as I could, I couldn't fix or control everything. I learned that two people who love each other can't necessarily make a marriage work. I was bitterly disappointed when we split up, and it took me almost two years before I could begin dating again.
And I dated, and dated, and then met R. And the rest is history.
I wish I knew where I went wrong.
In high school I didn't date anyone. I had crushes, and two very nice, kind, funny, handsome kids had crushes on me. I was too scared and shy to like them back. Too awkward. It was awful and excruciating to me that anyone could possibly like me.
College was a little different. I dated two people. More like two and a half, actually, but I'll only count two. I loved both, in a super young, immature sort of way. Only told one of them that I loved them, but managed, through the years, to stay in some sort of touch with both. Both are married now and seem, from their presence on Facebook, to be happy. Who doesn't seem happy on Facebook? Me. I don't. Anyhow, I just want to say that whenever I see photos of the second person I dated, I become completely self-congratulatory because while she was beautiful in college, she is absolutely stunning now. Radiant. And has been a great source of parenting info, when asked. The other person, a lovely and sweet guy, totally had my heart. I pined after him for years, but never said a word.
After college, I joined Peace Corps. Went to Bolivia. As I arrived with a decent level of fluency in Spanish, I started going out and dating immediately. Volunteers, locals, whoever. It was incredibly fun. I went out dancing every other night, made great friends, and met my first husband. I probably wasn't ready to get married, but I couldn't imagine life without him.
He is a lovely, warm person. After 8 or so years of being together, we just weren't good as a couple anymore. I love him too much, as a friend, to explain why here. Our friendship is still one of my most important relationships. I will say that with him, I grew up. Our relationship turned me into an adult. I learned that even though I tried as hard as I could, I couldn't fix or control everything. I learned that two people who love each other can't necessarily make a marriage work. I was bitterly disappointed when we split up, and it took me almost two years before I could begin dating again.
And I dated, and dated, and then met R. And the rest is history.
I wish I knew where I went wrong.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
One Last Thing
I just want to say one last thing. One last thing... bc I have to get in the last word, even if I'm the only one talking. Or writing. Whatever.
And that is because this whole thing, you know, being left without one freaking word- has totally made me doubt my perception of reality. I don't know as much as I used to, and I don't trust myself. But there are a few things I do believe still. I really loved R. I still love him. I hate that. I know this is true because even now I pity him. I feel sad that he will never fulfill his dreams. He will never go to school, never know a job beyond being a truck driver, which he hates. He will never go to Alaska. He'll never take his kids to Disney World. He'll never be in a chess club, or play in tournaments again. He'll never do, or be, most of the things he wanted. And it hurts me to think of that. I really only ever wanted the best for him. My controlling, over-involved version of "the best," its true. Breaks my heart.
And now, for real, I am done.
And that is because this whole thing, you know, being left without one freaking word- has totally made me doubt my perception of reality. I don't know as much as I used to, and I don't trust myself. But there are a few things I do believe still. I really loved R. I still love him. I hate that. I know this is true because even now I pity him. I feel sad that he will never fulfill his dreams. He will never go to school, never know a job beyond being a truck driver, which he hates. He will never go to Alaska. He'll never take his kids to Disney World. He'll never be in a chess club, or play in tournaments again. He'll never do, or be, most of the things he wanted. And it hurts me to think of that. I really only ever wanted the best for him. My controlling, over-involved version of "the best," its true. Breaks my heart.
And now, for real, I am done.
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