He said, I Said, He Said

Hey.

Remember how I said I wasn't going to write another word about Gumball's dad? Yeah. Well, I presumed that the mean (true) and nasty (entirely true) text message I sent him would shut him up. I was wrong. It apparently made him feel loved or some such bullshit, bc he's been sending me text messages.

He said this:

You were a beautiful, wonderful wife, and my best friend.  I have no doubt that you are now a great mom.  I hope you and Gumball are doing well.  My life has been filled with tough decisions and poor choices.  I hope that you guys don't hate me forever.

His misery is palatable, no? The message made me sad. Really, really sad. I cried. But didn't respond. Then, last night he wrote again. How are you? And it made me so furious. He doesn't get to come back into my life. How am I? Well shit, where should I start? Alone, depressed, tired, determined, fighting to maintain a sense of normal every day. Bored, lost, and lonely? Yeah. Fuck you. So I wrote the following:

I don't know what you want from me or what sort of response you're expecting. I loved you. I was proud to be your wife and I fully expected to spend my life with you. You left. I cried every day. My hair fell out. If you can even comprehend another person's suffering; believe me. I suffered. I wanted to die. Every single day. I loved you and gave you everything: my heart, soul, body, home, life. I wasn't perfect. I begged you to go to therapy. But you left. You took away my stepsons and my daughter's father. You got that whore pregnant. Don't write me again unless it has to do with Gumball. I'm not your friend. I don't love you anymore. I hope you seek professional help- clearly you need it. I don't mean that in a snotty way. I think you might be able to find peace that way. I sincerely hope you do. Any pain you're feeling now is a small fragment of what I felt, and you deserve it. Stop running from real life and from problems. Work on the relationship you're in. Be a dad to the kids you're with. Just please, please leave me alone. I'm not like you guys. I feel pain and I'm fragile and maybe crazy as you so often liked to say. I bitterly miss the person I thought you were. That guy was my soul mate. You are not him and will never be. The only way I will ever relate to you again is as Gumball's dad. And the second you fuck that up, I'm done with you all together. You picked this. You picked it.

I probably should have edited it down, but it felt good to say that. And even though I do still love the asshole, in some weird and stupid way, I know that he can bring nothing good to my life, or to my daughter's life. I recognize that she deserves a lot better, and hope to someday internalize that I too deserve better.

And then he responded. He probably shouldn't have. His response is so full of self-pity and weakness that it made me sick. I'm not scared of weakness or repulsed by it. I can be weak. But wallowing in it, and indulging in this blatant "woe is me" crap just doesn't cut it with me these days. I haven't indulged myself in such a long time, that his text made me queasy. Have some ownership, and agency, for fuck's sake.

Who exactly did you think I was? As far as I know I haven't changed since I was 5 years old.  When you met me I was a poor, uneducated truck driver with too many kids.  You loved me anyway.  The way I left our relationship was wrong, but not completely unprovoked.  I do love you.  I've missed you every day.  I sincerely hope that one day we can at least be on speaking terms again.  Per your request I won't message you again unless you tell me too.  I'm still unsure of how you expect me to be a part of Gumball's life when you guys live in northern Vt.  I am open to suggestions.    

Idiot.