I'm having a really hard time these days. I know it's a part of the cycle of grief, and getting better, and all that bullshit, but I'm tired of being sad. I just wish I could forget Gumball's dad. Stop beating myself up for not being a better single parent. Gumball is thriving. She's healthy and happy. She said "teatop" today, for teapot. She's a genius. She'll be happy and successful even if her dad refuses to be in her life.
I joined a dating site, right? Did I mention this before? Yeah. I had been writing three people for a few weeks. Daily. Smart, nice, clever people. And out of the blue, two of them just stopped writing me. It's not a big deal, but I had this little bubble of excitement and hope, and it's gone now.
It's probably too soon for me to date. I still think about Gumball's dad. I still miss him. I'm not filled with anxiety or sharp grief anymore, but I am lonely. I'm alone, or alone with Gumball most of the day, every day. I just want to cuddle up with someone to watch TV. Or get a hug at the end of the day. I have all these lovely, fun, cool, vibrant new mom friends, and I'm so fucked up and sad that I can barely interact some days. They're pretty forgiving people, but damn, I'm really not the best company these days.
I'm going to Massachusetts soon, to see my friend whose husband died. When we get back, I'm going to start cutting back on the nursing. I still want to nurse Gumball until she's 18 months old, but I'm going to go to two nursing sessions a day soon. It makes me sad, bc I love our special cuddling time. She likes to stop nursing to skewer my eyes, nose, and mouth, saying "EYE," "Nooooooooos," and "mouck." It's just so damn cute. Another selfish reason for not weaning? I nurse her in bed each morning, and get another 45 minutes to doze in bed. I am so tired, all the time.
Big hugs, J. Maybe you should plan a trip to a sunshine-y place. Know anyone in So Cal? Wait! You do! Okay, you'll get the sleeper sofa in the loft, but I hear it's very comfortable. (My beloved niece said so. Never mind that she's recently moved in with a friend and his mom and is sleeping on a futon in the living room. She's a bright girl. I trust her.)
ReplyDeleteIs it too soon to date? Probably, but it sounds like you're more at the very beginning of dating. Did you ask one (or both) of those people to consider marriage? I'm guessing you didn't. (Did you?!?)
As for the nursing... it makes *perfect* sense to begin weaning now to reach your goal of being done at 18 months. Will you miss it? Yes. But it doesn't have to be the end of snuggling and special times together. It will all work out. (But I'd drop that morning time last! LOL)
<3
Shan... thank you. Gumball appears to be able to travel, so we may see about this trip. I am far from any marriage proposals. And dates, as it turns out. Damn. I'm a social pariah. Lame.
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