May 2012

My darling Gumball has decided to take a break from napping. For a week. I thought it was over, because she napped yesterday, but no. No nap again today. She plays, happily, and cries, unhappily, in her crib. It's awful. I brought her to the doctor. Nothing wrong. Nana laughed at me, because in her opinion, Gumball is completely fine, just acting like a normal, bratty two year old. She's like a tiny, drunk tyrant: irrational, emotional, prone to fits of laughter and tears. Completely unable to be satisfied. Terrible. It really is wrenching when your kid wants something, and is miserable, and also has no way to articulate what she wants. Lila has a huge vocabulary, but she is no where near being able to say how she feels. Very frustrating.

I went out with E two more times. Dates 5 and 6. She's lovely. We have a great time together. She likes me. And I am... scared. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to hurt her either. I know, I know. Take it day by day. I am doing that. But I am also worrying about literally everything else that I could possibly worry about. And then there's Gumball. When do I let them meet? I am very conflicted about everything. Wish there were some answers out there.

Shaking Hands

Gumball has this book about puppies. On one page, it says something about how puppies can be trained to shake hands. When I read that page, Lila literally shakes her hands. Like tiny maracas. It took me a while to figure out what the heck she was doing. Then I understood. Shaking hands. Right.

This age is so much fun.

Happy 21 months, Gumball. Mama loves you!

Dates 3 and 4

I'm happy. And giddy.

Dates three and four were wonderful. I'm so attracted to this woman, it's ridiculous. She is sweet to me, and thoughtful. We talk and laugh together. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to planning out our entire life together. Because I'm cool like that. Planning our lives together does indeed freak me out, but when I take it day by day, I am really enjoying myself. It's funny though. When I think about not having more biological children, being with a woman forever, and all the crazy ways I plan ridiculously far into the future- I feel crazy (because I am!) and terrified. But when I see how she calls, and texts, and buys me flowers, and makes me feel special, and appreciated... I feel happy and excited to see all the future holds.

Date Two

E and I had our second date yesterday. Supermoon, walking by the lake, holding hands, kissing, dinner, etc. I came home with my bra in my purse but have managed, somehow, somewhat, to keep my vow to not become intimate until in a committed, honest relationship. I really like her. I like how she treats me, and how she makes me feel. I am _NOT_ rushing to making any promises, or declarations, or commitments. But it is lovely to enjoy having these feelings again. Positive, euphoric, day-dreamy feelings.

We also discovered a crazy coincidence. I may have met her grandparents. They have a house on the island where I lived as a child. We know many of the same people. Which is completely insane and mind-boggling.

Beautiful

One of my dearest friends is almost 80. She was my neighbor in Massachusetts. A kind, thoughtful, generous person. And incredibly feisty. When I was getting my Master's degree, I would come home to find a homemade chicken pot pie on my doorstep. She was the sort of neighbor who turned into family. In a good way. When I moved to Vermont, she came with me and helped me for 2 weeks. She constantly sends Gumball gifts, and is truly one of my best friends.

Her kindness is not to be confused with being passive. She's far from passive. She's a matriarch, and has opinions and judgements about everything. When we go shopping, she occasionally takes things out of unattended carts.

Today I told her about my date. I knew already that she's a big supporter of gay rights; but I wasn't so sure how she'd react to me having a date with a woman. Her response was so joyful and uplifting to me. She said that she just hopes that I meet someone who loves me and treats me well. And that it doesn't matter to her if it's a man or a woman.

All this from a woman who grew up cleaning houses when she was a kid, never having new shoes or clothing, who never went to college, and who has lived her whole life in a small town outside of Boston. I expected so little, and was treated to a beautiful gift.

And I am really looking forward to my next date with E on Saturday.

May Day 2012

Sometimes it's best to share the shame.

I did it.

I bought tummy control exercise pants. After carrying a 9lb 14oz baby, and having a c-section, I was getting afraid that my gut was going to bounce free in Zumba class, and knock someone out. It came close to bouncing free many times, and holding up my exhausted stretch pants was getting tedious.

At least there is enough of a market for this sort of product so that I, and other flabby bellied women, can be well-supported during exercise.

In other news, I went on another date. It was great. She was thoughtful, sweet, and cute. And 29. I thought I swore off dating people so much younger than I am, but I may make an exception. She has the tiniest little doll hands that I have ever seen on an adult. She held doors open for me too. We're supposed to go out again on Saturday. I'm nervous; she seems wonderful, but has one terrible flaw: she seems to like me. Not quite sure how to deal with this.