Haven't felt much like writing. I hate long, boring books, when the main characters just wallow and complain and never do anything. Too much like the Twilight series. And I have nothing positive to say. I feel sad. I think Gumball's dad, and she who shall not be named (AKA Cuntmuffin) are pregnant. With twins. I read it in her blog. Which I read to torture myself and to see my former stepsons. It feels kind of like a new betrayal. I'll never have the big family I've always wanted. When my mom dies, I'll only have Gumball. When I die, Gumball will be all alone. I hate this.
I feel so entirely, profoundly alone these days. I feel like a failure in my career. I could be a better parent. I've gotten really fat. Apparently my father's prediction is true- I actually AM too fat to be loved. Ha! At least that makes me laugh, in a dark way.
The baby has been vomiting on and off this entire week. She's been to the doctor, and I've called the doctor several times. He thinks it's a virus. She has no fever, isn't dehydrated, and seems pretty happy- but the vomiting freaks me out. And every meal is a challenge. She hates all food.
Because I've been worried about the baby, I haven't wanted to get her off her schedule too much. I mean, she has no schedule, so I can't plan anything. Fine, whatever. But she needs a nap 3-4 hours after waking up, and then 3-4 hours after that. Which I usually bend so I can see friends (IE- not be alone all the fucking time.) But now that she's feeling not so great, I am hesitant to mess with her nap times too much. Thus, alone.
I feel very sorry for myself. I'm not sleeping, and, according to my recent weigh-in, eating way too much. I'm seeing a therapist next Wednesday, which will be good, I guess. Sadly, I fear that talking isn't going to help me much. I need company and affection. I need a little break. I need someone to share the tremendous stress of a baby who doesn't want to eat. Thank god for my nanny, who is a huge support.
Weekends suck.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Sunday Blues
Some days, I am starting to feel hopeful. I have friends in my new life, my sweet, loving, smart baby gets to see people who love her every day, especially her nana. I have a beautiful condo, that is clean and comfortable and in good shape. Unlike my Massachusetts home (please, please god let the motherfucker sell ASAP) which was always breaking. In the almost ten years I lived there, the following broke/needed to be replaced: the carpeting, the windows, the hot water heater, the furnace, the central air, the gutters, the roof, the stone retaining wall, and the toilets. Yup. Imagine each of those things breaking, one after the other. Great place to live. Now. The new place is airtight, and while the gas furnace has broken, and an outlet burned out- that's it. And best of all, the only memories I have in this new place, are of me and Gumball and our loved ones. I don't uncover my ex-stepsons' toys, or my ex's stuff. Nothing comes in the mail unless it is addressed to me.
Then there are other days. Sundays, usually. Like today. When I feel like my friends are busy having family time, which they are, and I feel alone. Some days I am filled with hope and dreams. And other days, like today, it feels like my life is an endless progression of lonely days. Empty and unfulfilled. I love Gumball without question or end, but on a day like today, I feel just profoundly alone.
Then there are other days. Sundays, usually. Like today. When I feel like my friends are busy having family time, which they are, and I feel alone. Some days I am filled with hope and dreams. And other days, like today, it feels like my life is an endless progression of lonely days. Empty and unfulfilled. I love Gumball without question or end, but on a day like today, I feel just profoundly alone.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Kidney and Coleslaw
A nurse from Gumball's pediatrician's office called. Her kidney condition has resolved. All gone! I am incredibly grateful.
She has, however, been sick for 2 days. I've been so lucky- she's had a couple of very minor colds, but nothing serious. The night before last I heard a funny noise through the monitor, and when I went to check on her, she had vomited all over the bed and all over everything. She wasn't crying, and didn't have a fever, and I assumed that she must be ok. Little Miss is, after all, quite the barfer. The next day, yesterday, she didnt have much of an appetite. She ate dinner ok though. And then vomited all of it up. I got 4oz to stay down. Then she was up all night last night. At midnight, 2:30, 3:30 and then 5:30. Gagging and shaking. I would hold her upright and she'd cuddle against me and fall asleep. Today she didn't want to eat at all. I called her doctor and bought her in. No fever, no ear infection, still well hydrated... the doctor said she must have a stomach bug.
I broke down and bought some sugar filled (organic) Stonyfield yogurt drink for her. Which she didn't want. Got her to have a few puffs and a sip of water. For dinner I spoon-fed her some drinkable yogurt, and some banana/avocado mush. A few bites of each. I feel so bad for her. She seems to feel ok. I'm just hoping to get some sleep tonight. My mom came out, and it was good to have a break from the worrying. I love my mom so much.
And then tonight I made mom's coleslaw. Ingredients: shredded white cabbage, sour cream, mayo, minced fresh garlic, black pepper, tabasco. I can't say how much of any- it's kind of to taste. But I ate a vast amount for dinner. Hope the baby likes garlic.
Lastly, I am very sad about Amy Winehouse's death. What a tremendous loss. I listened to "Back to Black" over and over last winter. I would call it my break-up album. Especially the title song. Click here to hear it. What a sad day for music.
She has, however, been sick for 2 days. I've been so lucky- she's had a couple of very minor colds, but nothing serious. The night before last I heard a funny noise through the monitor, and when I went to check on her, she had vomited all over the bed and all over everything. She wasn't crying, and didn't have a fever, and I assumed that she must be ok. Little Miss is, after all, quite the barfer. The next day, yesterday, she didnt have much of an appetite. She ate dinner ok though. And then vomited all of it up. I got 4oz to stay down. Then she was up all night last night. At midnight, 2:30, 3:30 and then 5:30. Gagging and shaking. I would hold her upright and she'd cuddle against me and fall asleep. Today she didn't want to eat at all. I called her doctor and bought her in. No fever, no ear infection, still well hydrated... the doctor said she must have a stomach bug.
I broke down and bought some sugar filled (organic) Stonyfield yogurt drink for her. Which she didn't want. Got her to have a few puffs and a sip of water. For dinner I spoon-fed her some drinkable yogurt, and some banana/avocado mush. A few bites of each. I feel so bad for her. She seems to feel ok. I'm just hoping to get some sleep tonight. My mom came out, and it was good to have a break from the worrying. I love my mom so much.
And then tonight I made mom's coleslaw. Ingredients: shredded white cabbage, sour cream, mayo, minced fresh garlic, black pepper, tabasco. I can't say how much of any- it's kind of to taste. But I ate a vast amount for dinner. Hope the baby likes garlic.
Lastly, I am very sad about Amy Winehouse's death. What a tremendous loss. I listened to "Back to Black" over and over last winter. I would call it my break-up album. Especially the title song. Click here to hear it. What a sad day for music.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Crib=Playspace? I don't effing think so, Baby.
Every night, Gumball acts completely exhausted at dinner time. Its probably because, perhaps, I've somehow prevented her from having an idea daily nap schedule. We live alone. I have to go out occasionally, and see people. I also have to go grocery shopping, to the post office, to get the car's oil changed... etc. Fun times!
The real culprit to Gumball's naps is poop. She poops herself awake during every single nap. Little Miss can not sleep with a poopy diaper. Given her kidney issue, which is hopefully minimal, it's probably better for her to not sleep in a poopy diaper. Too much of an opportunity for a bacterial infection. I just wish she'd poop before, or after, naptime.
Anyhow, she's exhausted by dinner time. So the nanny, T, and I race through dinner, and rush her into pjs, and I go through our evening routine. Books, lights out, nursing, singing, and teeth washing/brushing. Into crib drowsy but awake. And the little fucker talks and plays for an hour. Or an hour and a half. In the dark, in her crib. It's all kitty's fault, damn him. I wish I knew why this stresses me out so much. Tonight she went to bed at 6:55pm. Exhausted. And now I can hear her through the monitor, yammering away. It's 7:50pm. At least she knows how to lie down. I lie her in the crib, and she immediately sits up to play. That used to worry me at first too. Now I just stress about her talking and playing all night. I know it could be worse.
Also, I think Gumball said her first word today. I handed her her rubber duckie during dinner, and she said "DUCK." And then practiced duh duh duh. So proud. I told my friend D about it, the one who is being set up as Gumball's guardian in the event of my untimely death, and she said that she recorded in her son's memory book that Gumball said "kitty" on April 18th. I am a bad mom, bc I don't remember that at all. I don't believe her. She must be drinking a nice glass of LOL tonight.
The real culprit to Gumball's naps is poop. She poops herself awake during every single nap. Little Miss can not sleep with a poopy diaper. Given her kidney issue, which is hopefully minimal, it's probably better for her to not sleep in a poopy diaper. Too much of an opportunity for a bacterial infection. I just wish she'd poop before, or after, naptime.
Anyhow, she's exhausted by dinner time. So the nanny, T, and I race through dinner, and rush her into pjs, and I go through our evening routine. Books, lights out, nursing, singing, and teeth washing/brushing. Into crib drowsy but awake. And the little fucker talks and plays for an hour. Or an hour and a half. In the dark, in her crib. It's all kitty's fault, damn him. I wish I knew why this stresses me out so much. Tonight she went to bed at 6:55pm. Exhausted. And now I can hear her through the monitor, yammering away. It's 7:50pm. At least she knows how to lie down. I lie her in the crib, and she immediately sits up to play. That used to worry me at first too. Now I just stress about her talking and playing all night. I know it could be worse.
Also, I think Gumball said her first word today. I handed her her rubber duckie during dinner, and she said "DUCK." And then practiced duh duh duh. So proud. I told my friend D about it, the one who is being set up as Gumball's guardian in the event of my untimely death, and she said that she recorded in her son's memory book that Gumball said "kitty" on April 18th. I am a bad mom, bc I don't remember that at all. I don't believe her. She must be drinking a nice glass of LOL tonight.
 |
| The Damn Kitty |
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Accomplishments: Big and Small
I got a lot done today, and it feels good. Doing anything with an infant feels, to me, like jogging with a 100 pound weight on your back. I detest jogging. Too much of my body moves, and it seems pointless. I would happily chase down a taco truck. Or, you know, free pie. I would race as fast as I could if I was going to miss True Blood. Shoot, I'd even trot for Judge Judy. But running, for running's sake? Ehhh, I just don't want to.
Anyhow, today Gumball had a follow-up ultrasound. When she was in utero, the doctors discovered that she has Hydronephrosis. Moderate, in one kidney. I though it was the left kidney, but the doctor's notes said it was the right. Mark my words, I am right. Unless, of course, I am wrong. That does happen. Infrequently.
When Gumball was 4 weeks old, she had a follow-up ultrasound at Children's Hospital Boston. Gumball's dad was in school, and didn't want to miss a day to go to the appointment with me. I pretty much hadn't slept in 4 weeks, so my mom came down from VT to go with us. That was the last time I saw Gumball's dad- he stayed in a hotel when my mom came down, bc he didn't want to see her. That's another story. Anyhow, she was retested today, and I have to wait to hear her results. Waiting is intolerable. I just hope everything is ok.
After Gumball's afternoon nap, the nanny came. I took the opportunity to change diaper bags. I know. Totally fascinating. Then, after that, I moved my small entryway bench up to the baby's room. Based on my mom's suggestion. She has good taste. I have none. I recently described my decorating style as "place all furniture along the wall." Decorating is something I can't grasp. My mom has great taste. She painted her stairs glossy black, and put on a zebra runner. Which sounds terribly tacky, but just kind of blends in. Her house is very comfortable and understated, which is why the stairway is so amazing and dramatic. Not tacky at all. Anyhow, my mom suggested that I move the small storage bench to the baby's room- and one day later- I did it!!! I was on fire today!
Not to mention that yesterday I finally put up the mirrored stars around the border's of Gumball's room. Only took me 10 months, but hey! I did it!
I think I was inspired, in part, by my new friend Shan. I "met" Shan on BabyCenter. She's my second friend from there. Such a warm, kind person. And funny. She has a blog that regularly makes me laugh: http://counterfeitfake.blogspot.com/. I can totally imagining hanging out with her in real life. My first BabyCenter friend, M, is a lovely person too. Our girls were born on the same day, and we started sleep training them on the same day- after months and months of getting zero sleep. She's a strong woman who doesn't know her strength. She has 3 kids, and her husband works away from home- so she is outnumbered 3 to 1 most of the time. Shan also has 3 kids. I can barely manage 1 baby. And I don't work or shower every day. I don't know how these women do it. But I am grateful to have met them. And Shan is working on an accent wall. This is beyond my (stunted) decorating skills, but I am looking forward to seeing the finished product.
In conclusion... here are some new photos of my darling girl. She is so smart.
Anyhow, today Gumball had a follow-up ultrasound. When she was in utero, the doctors discovered that she has Hydronephrosis. Moderate, in one kidney. I though it was the left kidney, but the doctor's notes said it was the right. Mark my words, I am right. Unless, of course, I am wrong. That does happen. Infrequently.
When Gumball was 4 weeks old, she had a follow-up ultrasound at Children's Hospital Boston. Gumball's dad was in school, and didn't want to miss a day to go to the appointment with me. I pretty much hadn't slept in 4 weeks, so my mom came down from VT to go with us. That was the last time I saw Gumball's dad- he stayed in a hotel when my mom came down, bc he didn't want to see her. That's another story. Anyhow, she was retested today, and I have to wait to hear her results. Waiting is intolerable. I just hope everything is ok.
After Gumball's afternoon nap, the nanny came. I took the opportunity to change diaper bags. I know. Totally fascinating. Then, after that, I moved my small entryway bench up to the baby's room. Based on my mom's suggestion. She has good taste. I have none. I recently described my decorating style as "place all furniture along the wall." Decorating is something I can't grasp. My mom has great taste. She painted her stairs glossy black, and put on a zebra runner. Which sounds terribly tacky, but just kind of blends in. Her house is very comfortable and understated, which is why the stairway is so amazing and dramatic. Not tacky at all. Anyhow, my mom suggested that I move the small storage bench to the baby's room- and one day later- I did it!!! I was on fire today!
Not to mention that yesterday I finally put up the mirrored stars around the border's of Gumball's room. Only took me 10 months, but hey! I did it!
I think I was inspired, in part, by my new friend Shan. I "met" Shan on BabyCenter. She's my second friend from there. Such a warm, kind person. And funny. She has a blog that regularly makes me laugh: http://counterfeitfake.blogspot.com/. I can totally imagining hanging out with her in real life. My first BabyCenter friend, M, is a lovely person too. Our girls were born on the same day, and we started sleep training them on the same day- after months and months of getting zero sleep. She's a strong woman who doesn't know her strength. She has 3 kids, and her husband works away from home- so she is outnumbered 3 to 1 most of the time. Shan also has 3 kids. I can barely manage 1 baby. And I don't work or shower every day. I don't know how these women do it. But I am grateful to have met them. And Shan is working on an accent wall. This is beyond my (stunted) decorating skills, but I am looking forward to seeing the finished product.
In conclusion... here are some new photos of my darling girl. She is so smart.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Gumball's First Photo Shoot
Right now it's 84 degrees in my living room and I am too hot to write much. Just wanted to share the slideshow from Gumball's first photo shoot with me and Nana. Loved it.
http://tinyurl.com/6z29xlh
http://tinyurl.com/6z29xlh
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Baby Friend's Birthday
Today Gumball and I went to one of her friend's first birthday party at a spectacular state park on the lake. It was such a beautiful day. We sat around on the grass, watched the birthday boy "open" presents (he kind of just looked at them and sometimes gummed them) and then my friend D and her mom watched the baby and I went for a short kayak. Yes, it's true. Fat people do kayak. I'm always a little afraid that I'm going to get stuck in the kayak's hole, but that didn't happen (because we removed the back of the seat to accommodate my tremendous ass.) It was wonderful. I only went for a half hour, but we shot across the lake and then came back, and I hadn't been on the water in two years, and it was SO GREAT! Hot damn! I was having so much fun, I forgot to take pictures. I had so much fun, it was worth the two hour drive. What a great day. Then I came home and cooked scrambled eggs with avocado for the baby, and I'm now having a glass of LOL.
Divorce, Part Two
It took two days, but I finally spoke with my lawyer. She's funny. The first time I got divorced (yes, I'm *that* person) she came to court gushing blood from a wound on her leg. Consequently, I hired her again. People gushing blood- come to me! I will hire you!
She let me know that court went well. I mean, the end result was what I wanted. Full custody, no visitation. But the judge, apparently not so interested in "the law" was angry I moved out of state, angry I wasn't in court, and was totally fine with Gumball's dad just totally abandoning her. I heard this and became sick with anger. It's a good thing my appearance was waived. I'm a crier, and just hearing about court made me tear up. I would have been red-faced and sobbing, out of rage, grief and impotency. Impotency- over not being able to smite the judge, and Gumball's dad. I imagine something totally biblical. Lightening, plagues, you know? Smiting.
Anyhow, its over. Mostly. I still need to get the lawyer to return to court to change Gumball's last name. No way is she keeping her dad's last name. Thank god I didn't change mine when we got married. He was mad I wouldn't. But after 35 years of having the same last name, I just couldn't change it. Not for my first husband, not for the second, not for anyone, ever.
I won't be able to fully relax until I have the actual divorce papers in my hot, sweaty, little hand. But this is a good start.
She let me know that court went well. I mean, the end result was what I wanted. Full custody, no visitation. But the judge, apparently not so interested in "the law" was angry I moved out of state, angry I wasn't in court, and was totally fine with Gumball's dad just totally abandoning her. I heard this and became sick with anger. It's a good thing my appearance was waived. I'm a crier, and just hearing about court made me tear up. I would have been red-faced and sobbing, out of rage, grief and impotency. Impotency- over not being able to smite the judge, and Gumball's dad. I imagine something totally biblical. Lightening, plagues, you know? Smiting.
Anyhow, its over. Mostly. I still need to get the lawyer to return to court to change Gumball's last name. No way is she keeping her dad's last name. Thank god I didn't change mine when we got married. He was mad I wouldn't. But after 35 years of having the same last name, I just couldn't change it. Not for my first husband, not for the second, not for anyone, ever.
I won't be able to fully relax until I have the actual divorce papers in my hot, sweaty, little hand. But this is a good start.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Divorce
Today I could be divorced. Again.
My first divorce, five or so years ago, was a really sad event. We were great friends but no longer great spouses. Even so, it was sad to break up. After we went to court, we had lunch together. And even though we're no longer married, we still care deeply for each other and stay in regular contact. When Gumball was little, I called him a couple of times to get him to sing to her over the phone.
Today my lawyer represented me in court. I had my appearance waived, so I don't know if I'm actually divorced or not yet. This divorce is sad too, but in a different way.
Gumball and I went to the community pool today with some friends and their babies. I was there but my heart was elsewhere. Who would have thought I'd be 36 and twice divorced? I see all these happy seeming families and I wonder how I messed this up so badly.
Oh well. Nothing I can do about that now.
I will end on an upbeat note. Last night I had a glass of wine, because I was so nervous about today, and have been having an awful time sleeping. Not sleeping, I mean. So I had a glass of wine. And wrote my friend and near-neighbor an email. About baby shoes. This morning I got this reply: "Are you drunk? That message was chock-full of 'lols'." I snickered for quite some time.
My first divorce, five or so years ago, was a really sad event. We were great friends but no longer great spouses. Even so, it was sad to break up. After we went to court, we had lunch together. And even though we're no longer married, we still care deeply for each other and stay in regular contact. When Gumball was little, I called him a couple of times to get him to sing to her over the phone.
Today my lawyer represented me in court. I had my appearance waived, so I don't know if I'm actually divorced or not yet. This divorce is sad too, but in a different way.
Gumball and I went to the community pool today with some friends and their babies. I was there but my heart was elsewhere. Who would have thought I'd be 36 and twice divorced? I see all these happy seeming families and I wonder how I messed this up so badly.
Oh well. Nothing I can do about that now.
I will end on an upbeat note. Last night I had a glass of wine, because I was so nervous about today, and have been having an awful time sleeping. Not sleeping, I mean. So I had a glass of wine. And wrote my friend and near-neighbor an email. About baby shoes. This morning I got this reply: "Are you drunk? That message was chock-full of 'lols'." I snickered for quite some time.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Lentil and Spinach on the 4th of July
I don't eat lentils as much as this blog would make it appear. I like lentils and recognize their healthful qualities, but had never cooked them for myself.
Then the baby came along, and I decided (based on some arbitrary reasoning) that lentils would be great for her to eat. Lentils have iron, fiber and protein. And some other things I don't really know, or care, about. So I made lentils. She ate them, so I made them again. Then she started enjoying poached chicken thighs, and garlic lamb, and cheese, and lentils took a back seat. Then my friend E came over and made lentils and spinach for her son. He can tolerate chunky foods better than Miss Barfs-A-Lot, so I was surprised that she ate some of his food. So now I'm making my own batch. I can't decide if I'm going to blend it or not.
Ingredients:
3 cloves garlic, chopped
1tsp tumeric
1 bag lentils (approx 2 cups after you spill some down the sink while rinsing)
3 cups chicken broth (can use water, definitely use low sodium broth)
3tbsp olive oil
* 1 pear, peeled, cored and diced (or an apple, nectarine, peach, or other sweet fruit). This item is asterisk'ed because it is optional. Best for blended lentils and spinach too.
1 bag frozen spinach
Add lentils, broth, tumeric, garlic, and olive oil to saucepan. (Also pear, if using it.) Bring to boil, then reduce to a simmer. Cook for approximately 45 minutes (until soft but not completely mushy.)
Cook spinach (I did it with a little water, in a covered bowl in the microwave.) Remove spinach from microwave and chop (unless you decide to blend everything together.) Mix chopped spinach with lentils once cooked. You can cook them together too, instead of separately.
If blending: mix cooked spinach with lentils. Blend.
This will make quite a bit. You can either eat some, and share with the family, or you can freeze it in little chunks (using ice cube or baby food trays.)
Happy 4th of July, readers. If you're out there (resounding silence.)
Today the baby and I were visited by my aunt, C. She is my dad's sister, and came back into my life after a long absence, six months ago. I lived with my dad when my parents got divorced. After 24 years of living with his erratic, unpredictable, negative moods and behaviors, I let him know that I would no longer tolerate him screaming at me and insulting me. It took 24 years for me to tell him that I no longer wanted to hear that I was too fat to be loved, or that I loved my mom more than him. Those are just sampling of his more frequent refrains. Loving my mom more turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy, but when I think back on how he never let me have a childhood and instead filled my life with fear, anxiety, and burdens way too heavy for a child- I still support my decision to cut ties. Now that Gumball is here, it's even more clear. I could never leave her alone with him. I believe in chores and responsibilities. Don't misunderstand me. I've always driven myself harder and harsher than anyone else could. But I don't believe an 8 year-old should be in charge of household cleaning or cooking. I also don't think 8 year-olds should have to worry about money (while watching their custodial parent waste it on drugs and beer.) Again, don't misunderstand me. I love drugs and beer. Just kidding!!! I love a good wheat beer though, no jokes.
I digress. When I stopped speaking to my dad in 2000, I lost touch with his sister, and my cousins. She found me on Facebook when I was pregnant, and has provided a lot of love and support since then. She came up to visit me today. She has three sons, and her three sons gave her five grandsons, and no granddaughters. Gumball is very special to her. And Gumball seems to love her back. It was so nice to spend the day with her. It felt festive and special. I am so thankful that I got to spend this beautiful family holiday with her. I was afraid I would feel lonely, but I didn't. Today I am so lucky.
Actually, it has been a wonderful long weekend. I fear and dread long weekends, these days. Not just because I get very little help, as my nanny doesn't come. But also because I have this sense that people are gathering together as happy family units, while Gumball and I are frequently alone. My mind wanders, and I imagine Gumball's dad, together with his boys and first ex-wife (I think I'm going to refer to her as Cuntmuffin from now on. It makes me laugh and seems appropriately dumb. There are no names for him, so unless one comes to me in a flurry of inspiration, he's set. Anyhow, after thinking of him, together with his other family, I feel enraged, hurt, and heartbroken. And I miss those boys so terribly. But this didn't happen today. A holiday where I don't feel alone and forgotten. Thank you, Aunt C.
Again, happy 4th. Let's all hope the fireworks don't wake the baby.
Then the baby came along, and I decided (based on some arbitrary reasoning) that lentils would be great for her to eat. Lentils have iron, fiber and protein. And some other things I don't really know, or care, about. So I made lentils. She ate them, so I made them again. Then she started enjoying poached chicken thighs, and garlic lamb, and cheese, and lentils took a back seat. Then my friend E came over and made lentils and spinach for her son. He can tolerate chunky foods better than Miss Barfs-A-Lot, so I was surprised that she ate some of his food. So now I'm making my own batch. I can't decide if I'm going to blend it or not.
Ingredients:
3 cloves garlic, chopped
1tsp tumeric
1 bag lentils (approx 2 cups after you spill some down the sink while rinsing)
3 cups chicken broth (can use water, definitely use low sodium broth)
3tbsp olive oil
* 1 pear, peeled, cored and diced (or an apple, nectarine, peach, or other sweet fruit). This item is asterisk'ed because it is optional. Best for blended lentils and spinach too.
1 bag frozen spinach
Add lentils, broth, tumeric, garlic, and olive oil to saucepan. (Also pear, if using it.) Bring to boil, then reduce to a simmer. Cook for approximately 45 minutes (until soft but not completely mushy.)
Cook spinach (I did it with a little water, in a covered bowl in the microwave.) Remove spinach from microwave and chop (unless you decide to blend everything together.) Mix chopped spinach with lentils once cooked. You can cook them together too, instead of separately.
If blending: mix cooked spinach with lentils. Blend.
This will make quite a bit. You can either eat some, and share with the family, or you can freeze it in little chunks (using ice cube or baby food trays.)
Happy 4th of July, readers. If you're out there (resounding silence.)
Today the baby and I were visited by my aunt, C. She is my dad's sister, and came back into my life after a long absence, six months ago. I lived with my dad when my parents got divorced. After 24 years of living with his erratic, unpredictable, negative moods and behaviors, I let him know that I would no longer tolerate him screaming at me and insulting me. It took 24 years for me to tell him that I no longer wanted to hear that I was too fat to be loved, or that I loved my mom more than him. Those are just sampling of his more frequent refrains. Loving my mom more turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy, but when I think back on how he never let me have a childhood and instead filled my life with fear, anxiety, and burdens way too heavy for a child- I still support my decision to cut ties. Now that Gumball is here, it's even more clear. I could never leave her alone with him. I believe in chores and responsibilities. Don't misunderstand me. I've always driven myself harder and harsher than anyone else could. But I don't believe an 8 year-old should be in charge of household cleaning or cooking. I also don't think 8 year-olds should have to worry about money (while watching their custodial parent waste it on drugs and beer.) Again, don't misunderstand me. I love drugs and beer. Just kidding!!! I love a good wheat beer though, no jokes.
I digress. When I stopped speaking to my dad in 2000, I lost touch with his sister, and my cousins. She found me on Facebook when I was pregnant, and has provided a lot of love and support since then. She came up to visit me today. She has three sons, and her three sons gave her five grandsons, and no granddaughters. Gumball is very special to her. And Gumball seems to love her back. It was so nice to spend the day with her. It felt festive and special. I am so thankful that I got to spend this beautiful family holiday with her. I was afraid I would feel lonely, but I didn't. Today I am so lucky.
Actually, it has been a wonderful long weekend. I fear and dread long weekends, these days. Not just because I get very little help, as my nanny doesn't come. But also because I have this sense that people are gathering together as happy family units, while Gumball and I are frequently alone. My mind wanders, and I imagine Gumball's dad, together with his boys and first ex-wife (I think I'm going to refer to her as Cuntmuffin from now on. It makes me laugh and seems appropriately dumb. There are no names for him, so unless one comes to me in a flurry of inspiration, he's set. Anyhow, after thinking of him, together with his other family, I feel enraged, hurt, and heartbroken. And I miss those boys so terribly. But this didn't happen today. A holiday where I don't feel alone and forgotten. Thank you, Aunt C.
Again, happy 4th. Let's all hope the fireworks don't wake the baby.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Assorted Pondering
I don't share my life like this on an everyday occasion. Probably due to the fact that I am alone, with a 10 month old, most of the time. My little rat is great company, but I don't want to burden her with my negative musings about her dad. Now or ever.
If I was surrounded by loved ones, I would be spilling my guts every single day. Instead I write to strangers. I haven't shared the presence of this blog with anyone who knows me yet. That's because I'm not divorced yet. Most of my friends don't even know I moved. They're probably done wondering why I haven't returned their calls and texts. I just need the divorce to be finalized and custody settled. Then- who knows? Maybe I'll share it, or maybe not.
I got another text message from Gumball's dad. It said, "are we ever going to talk again?" He's such a coward. I will never respond to him, until he asks about our child. He has never asked about her, never sent one dollar for her, never looked back. Not once. She is such a lovely, pure, perfect little being. Radiant and joyful. And he has never asked about her. If he did, I might respond. In some way or other. Probably not by text. Because I am an adult. I only text my friends. I email my enemies.
In the spirit of disclosure, I will say that I loved Gumball's dad very much. When we were together, he was like the light and air in my world. Losing that is very painful. Losing his two boys, who I knew from when they were 3 and 5, until they were 6 and 8, is excruciating. The part that sends shivers of nausea throughout my body is the fact that he left my house and moved back in with his ex-wife. I used to think she and I were very similar. She was very friendly to me. And I'm one of those honest, open idiots, and I thought we were friends. Not only did we have many things in common, but we shared one very important thing. We both loved her kids. When the older one was having trouble in school, she would tell me about the meetings she would have with his teachers, and we would strategize how to improve his experience and education. She and I were close, in a way. Her dad wrote me a lovely letter and became my friend on Facebook. He said he wanted to be friends with the person who had done so much and been so good to his grandsons. And when Gumball's dad and I broke up, for a couple of months, before he came back with a ring and so many beautiful promises, she told me how lucky I was to escape him, and told me all about the misery he brought into her life. I cared about her, both as a person and as the mother to the two boys I loved. Consequently, when my little girl's dad begged me to loan him money, not for himself, but so he could help his ex pay for an apartment, I agreed. He planned on paying me back, she knew I was paying her rent, and first and foremost, the boys would have a stable home. I paid $6000 for the apartment that Gumball's dad moved into the day he left my house. I paid for it. I paid for it.
It bears repeating. I paid for it.
The day he told me he was leaving, I had been shopping for his boys. I bought all their school clothing when I was weeks away from giving birth. I always did, because I never wanted them to stick out in school. Weeks after he left, before I knew he was back together with his ex, I called her. Because I was worried that she and the boys would be homeless, since he was no longer paying their rent. She never answered, and never returned my call, but with the amazing baby who never slept, I couldn't do more. And then I found out they were living together.
They bought a house about two weeks ago. Since leaving Gumball and me, it seems that his life has gotten better and better. I often wonder how one person can bear this much pain. I don't know how I made it from there to here.
Then I remember. THIS is how I made it. This sweet little girl. Who in the past two weeks has started to sit up on her own, crawl, pull up to a stand, and also started getting her left incisor. She is happy, and healthy, and that means everything to me. I love her so much. For her, I would gladly brave months of sleepless nights, heartbreak and betrayal, and crushing loneliness. I am so proud of my girl for her accomplishments, and proud of myself for surviving.
If I was surrounded by loved ones, I would be spilling my guts every single day. Instead I write to strangers. I haven't shared the presence of this blog with anyone who knows me yet. That's because I'm not divorced yet. Most of my friends don't even know I moved. They're probably done wondering why I haven't returned their calls and texts. I just need the divorce to be finalized and custody settled. Then- who knows? Maybe I'll share it, or maybe not.
I got another text message from Gumball's dad. It said, "are we ever going to talk again?" He's such a coward. I will never respond to him, until he asks about our child. He has never asked about her, never sent one dollar for her, never looked back. Not once. She is such a lovely, pure, perfect little being. Radiant and joyful. And he has never asked about her. If he did, I might respond. In some way or other. Probably not by text. Because I am an adult. I only text my friends. I email my enemies.
In the spirit of disclosure, I will say that I loved Gumball's dad very much. When we were together, he was like the light and air in my world. Losing that is very painful. Losing his two boys, who I knew from when they were 3 and 5, until they were 6 and 8, is excruciating. The part that sends shivers of nausea throughout my body is the fact that he left my house and moved back in with his ex-wife. I used to think she and I were very similar. She was very friendly to me. And I'm one of those honest, open idiots, and I thought we were friends. Not only did we have many things in common, but we shared one very important thing. We both loved her kids. When the older one was having trouble in school, she would tell me about the meetings she would have with his teachers, and we would strategize how to improve his experience and education. She and I were close, in a way. Her dad wrote me a lovely letter and became my friend on Facebook. He said he wanted to be friends with the person who had done so much and been so good to his grandsons. And when Gumball's dad and I broke up, for a couple of months, before he came back with a ring and so many beautiful promises, she told me how lucky I was to escape him, and told me all about the misery he brought into her life. I cared about her, both as a person and as the mother to the two boys I loved. Consequently, when my little girl's dad begged me to loan him money, not for himself, but so he could help his ex pay for an apartment, I agreed. He planned on paying me back, she knew I was paying her rent, and first and foremost, the boys would have a stable home. I paid $6000 for the apartment that Gumball's dad moved into the day he left my house. I paid for it. I paid for it.
It bears repeating. I paid for it.
The day he told me he was leaving, I had been shopping for his boys. I bought all their school clothing when I was weeks away from giving birth. I always did, because I never wanted them to stick out in school. Weeks after he left, before I knew he was back together with his ex, I called her. Because I was worried that she and the boys would be homeless, since he was no longer paying their rent. She never answered, and never returned my call, but with the amazing baby who never slept, I couldn't do more. And then I found out they were living together.
They bought a house about two weeks ago. Since leaving Gumball and me, it seems that his life has gotten better and better. I often wonder how one person can bear this much pain. I don't know how I made it from there to here.
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