A Year Ago

A year ago today was the lowest I've ever been. I had just returned to my old house. The baby was waking every 2 to 3 hours all night. I was so scared, depressed, and exhausted, that I couldn't sleep at all. I was terrified to be alone. I thought my ex was going to show up unexpectedly, and murder me to take the baby. Why did I think this? I was insane. And exhausted. I was so scared, I got my neighbor to change the locks, and then I bought a big, expensive home security system. Still couldn't sleep. I was hungry, my hair was falling out, and I was so devastated.

10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.

I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.

A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.

Here are some old photos of my stepsons. Aren't they beautiful? They look so much like my little Gumball.