Today

Today I am feeling pessimistic. I had fun guests. My plumber from Massachusetts who fixed my entire house- not just plumbing, pretty much out of the kindness of his big heart. And his wife. I invited them to come and visit. It was nice to have guests, nice to have people to watch TV with, nice to have a big family dinner. And nice, sort of, to have the house to myself again.

I'm tired. It's been about a week since I've had a normal night's sleep. 6 hours, interrupted, a night, is not enough for me now. It makes me feel pessimistic. Old and tired. Baby is teething, and she is very excited about standing, and bouncing in her crib. I love watching on the monitor, but live in fear that she will toss Kitty, and I'll have to run up and rescue him. I don't think she can sleep without him. She's getting very willful. And attached to things. Like her ball (actually any ball, and sometimes balls. Or DAAAAAAAHHHHH! As she likes to say.) And her baby dolls. "Dada" and little "Dada."

I contacted a couple of old flings. Guys I had some casual dates with. Did I mention that before? It was for the ego boost. One lives in CT, the other in MA. It was a good ego boost, more or less. They remembered me, were glad I wrote, offered- vaguely- to come visit me. I remembered why I liked R more than I liked either of them.

Gumball's nanny is having an elective surgery on October 4th. Which means she'll possibly be out of work for 2 weeks. And I will have to miss 4 of my 12 Zumba classes. I'm so tired, and lonely, and this really bums me out. I fully admit that I am entirely selfish. That's also a lot of days with no help. My mom will come over for an hour or 2, but that's not much when I feel tired.

And winter is coming. I hate winter. I hate cold. I really feel like I am starting to get more depressed, and want to be on meds again, but am so reluctant to stop breastfeeding Baby. She may very well be my only child, and I'm not ready to stop nursing her. And when I'm exhausted, I can curl up in bed with her and she will happily nurse for 30 minutes- and I get a little rest. It's not much, but it provides a real relief some days. And I love the bond we have, through breastfeeding. I've been so lucky to have been able to do it. I just wish I was on meds too. And yes, I know some psych meds are compatible with breastfeeding. I am not comfortable with the long term consequences of breastfeeding while taking psych meds. Also, my preferred med is not safe while breastfeeding.

Maybe I'll get a sun replacement lamp or something.