Haven't felt much like writing. I hate long, boring books, when the main characters just wallow and complain and never do anything. Too much like the Twilight series. And I have nothing positive to say. I feel sad. I think Gumball's dad, and she who shall not be named (AKA Cuntmuffin) are pregnant. With twins. I read it in her blog. Which I read to torture myself and to see my former stepsons. It feels kind of like a new betrayal. I'll never have the big family I've always wanted. When my mom dies, I'll only have Gumball. When I die, Gumball will be all alone. I hate this.
I feel so entirely, profoundly alone these days. I feel like a failure in my career. I could be a better parent. I've gotten really fat. Apparently my father's prediction is true- I actually AM too fat to be loved. Ha! At least that makes me laugh, in a dark way.
The baby has been vomiting on and off this entire week. She's been to the doctor, and I've called the doctor several times. He thinks it's a virus. She has no fever, isn't dehydrated, and seems pretty happy- but the vomiting freaks me out. And every meal is a challenge. She hates all food.
Because I've been worried about the baby, I haven't wanted to get her off her schedule too much. I mean, she has no schedule, so I can't plan anything. Fine, whatever. But she needs a nap 3-4 hours after waking up, and then 3-4 hours after that. Which I usually bend so I can see friends (IE- not be alone all the fucking time.) But now that she's feeling not so great, I am hesitant to mess with her nap times too much. Thus, alone.
I feel very sorry for myself. I'm not sleeping, and, according to my recent weigh-in, eating way too much. I'm seeing a therapist next Wednesday, which will be good, I guess. Sadly, I fear that talking isn't going to help me much. I need company and affection. I need a little break. I need someone to share the tremendous stress of a baby who doesn't want to eat. Thank god for my nanny, who is a huge support.
Weekends suck.
Feel better mama!
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