All and Sundry

Poor little Gumball has a cold. It's her first. I know I'm jinxing myself to many more colds by writing this. I feel so unable to soothe her. I can't wait til she's old enough to lie on the couch and watch game shows and drink ginger ale. That's what I did when I was sick as a kid. Totally fun. No whammys! And is the Price of Right interminable? I remember it going on and on and on for absolutely ever. Hour after hour of blurry, feverish fun.

We've been busy. Two playgroups a week, music class, swimming. Regular life. Etc. I feel like I'm getting into a routine of sorts, and I'm really enjoying all my (our) new friends. Grateful for an end to so many days alone.

My mom has been incredible helpful too. Ever since Gumball's nanny was out for two weeks, my mom has been really stepping up and helping more. She came over today, and I had made some pasta for dinner, and for her to take home. Nothing fancy. Lots of veggies: spinach, carrots, onions, garlic, scallions, peppers- everything that needed to be cooked immediately. In a tomato sauce, with ground pork (mom doesn't eat beef) and chicken sausage. Surprisingly delicious. I feel good when I make something healthy, and when I cook enough so mom doesn't have to make dinner. Living alone, in the land of zero delivery, means cooking every single meal. It's such a delight when someone brings dinner. And I like to share that feeling with my mom, and my friends. Wish I could do it more. If only the damn grocery store delivered, I would cook more for other people.

Winter is coming. I need to start thinking about weaning the baby. I want to breastfeed until she's 18 months old. I'm going to miss our morning cuddles very much though.

I've been doing weekly, or semi-weekly, phone therapy sessions with my old therapist. It makes me feel so good to talk to her, and also to hear, reflected in her voice, that I'm not entirely insane. I feel good, actually. My lawyer has the signed papers from Gumball's dad. She hasn't reviewed them yet, but it feels one step closer to closure.

Zumba has been good. I'm going to sign up for another 12 week session tonight. Those two hours a week are good for my soul. And the little bit of exercise I manage to glean out of the classes is good for my ass. And gut.

I have a small hope too. I'd like to go on a date while I'm still 36. Nothing serious, obviously. But a for real, adult, fun date. Pizza and beer would be so fun. And next weekend, we have a ladies movie night planned. I'm so excited.

A Year Ago

A year ago today was the lowest I've ever been. I had just returned to my old house. The baby was waking every 2 to 3 hours all night. I was so scared, depressed, and exhausted, that I couldn't sleep at all. I was terrified to be alone. I thought my ex was going to show up unexpectedly, and murder me to take the baby. Why did I think this? I was insane. And exhausted. I was so scared, I got my neighbor to change the locks, and then I bought a big, expensive home security system. Still couldn't sleep. I was hungry, my hair was falling out, and I was so devastated.

10/21 is older stepson's birthday. A year ago, a reminder came up on my phone. I remember crying and crying, and not being able to stop. I couldn't even imagine being happy again.

I flinched when I realized what day today is. I miss my stepsons. They're strong, smart, loving kids. I loved being their stepmom, and I miss them a lot. I still worry about them, and hope they are happy, healthy, and thriving. I worry about the choices their parents have made, and wish there was something I could do for them. You know. Without their worthless parents knowing or benefiting in any way.

A year later, and so much has changed. I'm still sad, but feel like the overwhelming, oppressive depression has lifted. I'm still tired, but I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep every night. Usually uninterrupted, sometimes interrupted once. I moved, I made new friends and reestablished relationships with old friends. I've cooked some amazing food. I have raised a lovely, smart, hilarious, kitty, book, babydoll and ball-loving baby girl. She's the light of my life every day. I wouldn't say that I'm fully happy yet. But I'm not anxious all the time, and I do smile and laugh sometimes. Not enough. I need to work on that.

Here are some old photos of my stepsons. Aren't they beautiful? They look so much like my little Gumball.

Late August, September and Half of October Photobomb

Loves swinging

Loves running, cracking my ankles

First pony ride. Note to self: burn pants

Strawberry hat

Makes vroom-vroom noises

Loves her kitty

Wants an older brother just like C

Some of my best friends came for a visit

And we went apple picking

She doesn't even mind when he cuddles with her

Hanging with Nana

Lunch with Nana, and Little Dada

Baby friends

Mama friends

Waking Up

I don't know what came over me. Baby fever? Temporary amnesia? Full on insanity? Or is this a part of the grieving process. Was I really entertaining even the remotest possibility of taking R back? What?!? No, I'm sorry, it's like I just woke up. Yes, I had good times with him. Yes, we were very close. I loved him. But this guy left me, and his daughter, and there's no undoing that. Left us, and fathered two more children. I'll probably be able to stand near him at Gumball's high school and college graduations, if he can be bothered to be a part of her life then. We're not going to be friends though, not now or ever. And I think I'm ok with that.

What brought this about? He complained in a text message to me about having to spend $22 to mail our signed divorce papers back to my lawyer. The lawyer I've paid $5000, and who is sending me a bill for additional payment. Not to mention the $6000 that he owes me. Then there's the vast amount of money I spent on him- and his kids- while we were together. He has the audacity to complain about $22? Yeah. There's cheap, and then there's being spiritually cheap, and he's both. This has been a good wake up call for me.

So, please pardon my previous entries. I'm so over him it isn't even funny.

Fall

I have been busy. Week two of no nanny. Zumba, two times a week, thanks to my mom watching Gumball. I've been unable to follow the steps in Zumba, but I enjoy it. I also enjoy my new friend, A, who makes Zumba much more entertaining. She's much better at it than I am, and I love her company. I royally suck at Zumba. Apparently, I no longer know how to dirty dance. Which is fine. I'll have no need to pelvic thrust ever again, I fear. Baby playgroups on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I love the moms in the Thursday group. Really nice ladies. Baby music class on Mondays. This class is so ridiculous and horrible, I want to giggle pretty much throughout the entire (endless, tedious) class. Baby swim class on Fridays. Gumball has gone underwater multiple times! And my core ladies and babies are in the class. It's delightful.

I've received eight bazillion text messages and phone calls from Gumball's dad. He said he mailed the paperwork in today.  He begged me to take him back, and he'll never know how close I was to allowing that to happen. I miss him. Some have suggested that I miss the companionship, and the idea of the relationship. People who know and love me said this. I don't think it's true. I miss his humor, his laughter, his obsession with eating healthy and weight lifting. When I was pregnant, he made me breakfast in bed many, many times. Once, he followed a recipe for eggs florentine, and it turned out so awful, absolutely inedible. I choked as much down as I could, but I couldn't eat spinach for months afterwards. He bought me malted milkshakes almost every day when I was pregnant. I miss his plans, his certainty, and cuddling with him on the sofa. I miss playing scrabble with him. Losing, more often than not. Going for long walks. Kayaking. He was very special to me. Not the idea of him, but him, actually.

I said- please don't leave your kids. I tried to put him off a thousand different ways: I said I want more kids, I said he needed to pay me back the $6000 he owes me, I said I'd never support him financially again. And I said that I'm not moving. He begged and begged, but eventually said that he hopes I find happiness. I hope he does too. I think this is the final letting go. I hope to god he is a decent parent to Gumball, but I have no expectations.

I'm tired and sad, and a tiny bit hopeful.

Residual Feelings

He has continued to call me. A couple times a day. I continued to ignore his calls, but then last night I started to worry about whether or not ignoring his calls was a good idea. Once I have the papers signed and returned, I won't worry about this. And here's the other truth. I miss him. Hearing his voice was equally wonderful and terrible.

So last night I texted him that I was afraid that not answering his calls would result in him withholding the paperwork even longer. I'm acting like it's all about the divorce, but in reality it's 99% about the custody paperwork. Staying legally married doesn't scare me. Having my daughter's physical and legal custody in jeopardy? Now that is terrifying.

He called me immediately. He was driving, so he couldn't text me back. He said he would sign the paperwork and leave me alone, because obviously I don't love him as much as he loves me, bc I won't take him back. I didn't argue the point, as I know I love him much more than he'll ever love anyone other than himself. He said he didn't know how he'd see Gumball, given that we now live so far away from him. I said that I hope he figures out a way, and that if he wants to do it, he will. I offered to meet him about an hour a half closer to him, where my aunt lives.

The conversation tore me apart. He sounded exhausted, and sad. He never sounds that way. He's arrogant, cocky, and faintly superior sounding. I've never heard him sad or tired. He sounded defeated. It really broke my heart. I am controlling and codependent, but for fucks sake, I only ever wanted good things for him. I wanted his life to be better in every way. Even now, I hate to know he's suffering. It's a lot easier for me to think that he's happy, and to feel angry about it. To know how dead-end he has made his life, and to see how depressed he is, it hurts. He and I could have been happy together, and we both know it. And now we're both miserable instead. And he picked this.

I also realized that there are two scenarios in which I would take him back. Sick, I know. Don't be too mad at me, because neither will never happen. I wish I could stop seeing the million shades of grey in everything, bc then I would never have come up with these ridiculous scenarios.

1. When I'm super old, and he's slightly less super old. Since he's 7 years younger than I am. Maybe then we could be together.

2. If he were to leave his ex/current/whatever, get therapy, and be single for a couple of years. Figure out how this nonsense happened in the first place. If I knew he could maintain something for a significant period of time, I could trust him again. But this will never happen. It's like what I said about him seeing Gumball. If he wants it to happen, he will figure out how to make it happen.

Life Continues

Sad text messages have been exchanged. I have stayed fast to my vow: to not take him back, ever. I have been kinder than I thought possible. I said what I had to say, but tried not to harm him, or his children in any way. Or our child. He's such a small, hurt, scared person on the inside. Not that he's ever admitted this. But I know him, just like he knows me. Over and over I have said, "work on your current relationship." Breaks my heart. He knows me, and knows my hopes and fears, and said pretty much everything I'd ever hoped to hear. But a year too late. There's no trust left, and very little respect. Almost none. I miss him, terribly, but I keep remembering that at home, he has 2 infant daughters. And two young boys. I couldn't be the person to encourage him to leave them. Furthermore, while I spend every evening alone, and sleep alone, and endure lonely, quiet weekends, he is surrounded by people who love him. I cried, suffered, didn't sleep, and was scared and sad and lonely. While he was both building and creating new lives with his ex.

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I looked at her facebook page. The day he and I spoke, her status was that she was so grateful to be with her best friend, her rock, and that she didn't know what she'd do without him. Yuck. The same day he begged me to take him back.

He's called and texted, and I'm just trying to be ok, and not engage. Takes a lot of effort and energy, that I just don't have. I need him to sign our divorce, and more importantly, Gumball's custody papers. I will relax a little when this is set.

I'm sad. This is really wearing on me. At Zumba on Tuesday, I couldn't kept track of the steps and was constantly turning left when everyone else was doing something else. Frustrating. I heard an Adele song that a friend said reminded her of me, and I cried. My sorrow is very close to the surface these days. Please no one ask me why I moved here. I miss him so much. The only way I've made it this long without him was by telling myself that he was dead. Hard to do when he's texting and calling.

One thing that did strike me funny is that he was confused about why I didn't want to be friends with him, when I am friends with my first ex-husband. My first ex and I worked on our relationship. Hard. When things failed, we pushed on. We went to couples counseling for a year. When we decided, mutually, to split, we were sad. But we worked to preserve our friendship. R didn't understand any of that. How could he?

On a happy note, Gumball has been amazing. All of a sudden she is saying things all the time. I don't even know when or where she learns them. She neighs like a horse. She says up, neck, eye, nooooos (for nose), up, hat, milk... I don't want to repeat my previous list. She's awesome. And she's funny. I read a book, "Llama Llama Mad at Mama" and when I read "cough" she fake coughs. When I read "car" she goes "brrrrrrrrr brrrrrr." When I say "mama" she says "mama." And when I read "goodbye" she waves. I am astounded by her comprehension. The other day she put her toy kitchen's potholder on her head and kept repeating "hat, hat, hat." Cracks me up! She also learned how to spit out food. Not quite so charming. She's getting a 7th and possibly an 8th tooth too. And maybe more, but now that she has a ton of teeth, I'm less excited to put my finger in her mouth to feel around.

Very busy, lots of cooking, seeing friends, and baby activities. I'll be ok. A good night's sleep would help. Hahahahaha! Guess Gumball didn't get that memo.

I Hate Being Right

I hate it. Hate being right.

I spoke with Gumball's dad. He said he would sign the divorce papers if I answered his call. So I did. And now I am sad. And sick. Its hard knowing that your soulmate exists, and that he loves you, and wishes you were still together. And that the little fragment of a person who loves you is completely submerged in another person. A crazy, hateful person, who promises nothing but pain, lies and misery.

Maybe someday, when he and I are super old, we could be friends. I miss him. Hearing his voice felt great. Jesus, I miss him. But the truth, that I shared with him, is that I will never let him back into my life again. My daughter will never have her dad walk out on her. He only offers misery and pain. I told him that I hope he works on his current relationship, takes care of his kids, and finds peace and happiness.

I'd like to find some peace and happiness too.

Under Advisment

I was *advised* by a good friend, to omit ALL full names. So I have done some editing. Full names are gone.

I love knowing lawyers. She is now permitted to spell Zumba any damn way she pleases and I will bite my tongue in gratitude.

Thank you, S. I appreciate it.

Going Public

I think I am going to bite the bullet.

And share the link to my blog with my friends. I've linked to a few blogs my friends write. But not all the blogs I link to are written by friends. This sounds like one of those weird SAT questions. Conditional statements. Yuck.

Anyhow, one of my friends found the blog this way. (_Waving and grinning_ shouts "Hi S!!! HI HI HI.") And my new friend, A, found it too. HI HI HI! Hope you don't mind being written about! You're awesome, especially for looking away when I teared up. I'm so glad we met! When is Zumba going to make me skinny?

I know there's a lot of personal stuff here. Its probably self-indulgent drivel, so indulge me. It makes me feel better to write it down. I spend a lot of time alone, and I don't love chatting on the phone. I don't cry when I write. Indulge me please, and don't judge me too harshly. I'm pretty sure I've spent most of the past 13 months wondering how in the fuck I could ever have been so stupid. I kind of know how I got here, if that makes any difference. I wanted a family, a big one. Stepsons lured me in. And I loved R so much. And I wanted my own baby, and a big family more than anything else in the world. So here I am.

I also hesitate to share this bc I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I got myself into this mess. I have to get myself out of it. Lots and lots of people have helped me. Lots have made me smile and laugh, and have kept me going, even when I could barely put one foot in front of another. I am an ingrate, and should be writing long, in depth odes to the friends who saved me. Did I ever mention that D and S wrote me almost every single day for months? Enduring my insane questions about how to actually bathe the baby (it took me 4 weeks to get up the courage. Don't judge. I bathe her plenty now.) And D promised me friendship and company if I left my entire life and moved back to VT- and she's made good on her offer, introducing me to friends, involving me in her life. I am so grateful. Did I mention that my dear friend J battles stage 2 breast cancer, enduring months of chemo, and daily radiation, and still manages to call, text and regularly check in to see how I am doing. I could hang my head in shame, bc she is such an inspiration. Hee hee, if she reads this, she will be furious with me for calling her an inspiration. And S and S, both who have busy jobs and kids, but visited me and called me, and texted... I owe them too. C stayed at my house many nights, when I was so scared and depressed that I couldn't breathe, let alone sleep. She gave me a reprieve from constant anxiety and fear. And I am so grateful to my mom. I can't even say everything she has done. Words aren't sufficient. She saved my life. All the women I know called, and wrote, and sent gifts to Gumball, and made me feel loved. I owe my life to my friends, and my daughter. And I hesitate to share this bc I don't want to forget anyone or make anyone feel bad. I am so grateful to all of you. You have no idea.

Well, I am crying now. So grateful. I'm come so far, and still have so far to go. I may not be the best judge in (second) husbands, but I have the best, kindest, smartest, most loving, most beautiful friends in the entire world. I love you all so much.

What a Difference a Day (or 2) Make

I had bacon and eggs for dinner, and may have a glass of wine, or a beer, for dessert.

Got _yet another_ text message from R last night:
I don't want to divorce you. 

I spent the night tossing and turning (apparently so did little Rat, bc she woke up twice). I was sad. I felt lonely and awful, and missed R so badly. I didn't respond to his text. Then I spoke with my mom, and she felt that the least inciting response would be to ask him to please sign the paperwork. I agreed. So I wrote him, "will you please just sign and return the paperwork."

To which he responded:
I'm going to have a lawyer look it over first.  I don't think it's quite fair.

I am spitting mad. The case has already been to court. The divorce is costing me A LOT of money. $5,000 so far. And I'm pretty certain it's going to be at least twice that. And NOW, NOW, he wants to get a lawyer? NOW he asserts that the settlement WE agreed on isn't fair?

Seriously?

Seriously.

I think he is going to try to get money from me, somehow. We weren't married long enough for him to qualify for anything. But, my fear, my absolute terror, is that he will try to leverage visitation with my sweet little Gumball. I hope, for her sake, that she has a loving and supportive relationship with her dad. I hope he wouldn't try to take her just to get money from me. I am really scared, and very, very angry. Not quite angry enough to share his messages with his friends, family, and most importantly, that whore he lives with, but close.