Planning

There are many aspects of single motherhood that I was not prepared for. Actually, I wasn't prepared for any of it. That said, there are specific experiences that, so far, have defined this crazy trip for me. A big one is planning. The thing is, when you're a single mom, planning becomes essential. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I am kind of a planner/hoarder/type A sort of person. Something about being a single mom brings these characteristics out in full force. I live in terror that I won't have something I need. No, not something I need... something the baby needs. What could I possibly need? Food, I have. Clothing too. But the baby? Her needs are much more urgent.

Just to share a few of the necessities. Diapers? I have a case. Wipes? A case. The special, seasonal Earth's Best that she will eat 8oz of for dinner and sleep 6 or 8 hours without waking (Turkey/Cran, in case you were wondering.) I have 40 jars. Pedialyte? Got it. Baby tylenol, advil, butt cream. Yup. And if I forget to buy more, well, I joined Amazon Mom AND Amazon Subscribe and Save to get 30% off diapers and butt cream, so even if I were to forget, or to somehow become incapacitated, diapers and cream will continue to be delivered to my house every 2 months.

The thing is, I hate asking for help. And I've had to do it pretty much constantly for the past 8 months. My mom has saved my life over and over. While dealing with a messed up thyroid. My friends D and S wrote me emails almost every single night when things were the roughest. And they continue to support me in many different ways. J demanded that I get off my exhausted ass and start to feel better, even though it was literally the last thing I could imagine doing. My lovely ex-neighbor J cooked for me, went to doctors appointments with me and the baby, held the baby so I could nap, helped me move. My aunt C came out of no where to help us get by. God, so many people, so much help. I detest being this vulnerable. I don't know if having a partner would change this feeling, but without one, I feel like it is me against the world. And a stockpile of diapers and wipes and Turkey/Cran eases my anxiety. Somewhat.