I don't want to be depressing, or to give the impression that I spend my days brooding and sulking. On the contrary. My days are spent laughing, smiling, and singing. I have songs for everything. Poor Gumball is destined for a life of musical theater. She'll expect songs at every turn. Poor thing. I have a special "wash your face" song, and another "clean your butt" song. Same tune. Like Twinkle Twinkle and Mary Had a Little Lamb. I didn't brood or sulk once today. Instead Gumball and I went to the pool. No brooding.
That said, when I'm not singing and laughing and rushing around, trying to entertain the baby and manage (poorly) my own life, I do start brooding.
Yesterday was rough. Father's Day. I will never regret meeting Gumball's dad. You know, because she's here as a result. I would endure him times 100, everyday, if she was the end result. But I did spend quite a bit of time yesterday beating myself up. How on earth could I have fallen in love with someone who would abandon their child? Walk out and not look back. What is wrong with me? And worse, how did I allow this to happen to my sweet girl? I was talking to a friend, and he said how he always wondered what was wrong with him- why his dad never had anything to do with him. I would endure every heartbreak and hardship in the world if I could prevent my baby from ever wondering what she did, or what is wrong with her- why she doesn't have a dad. Nothing is wrong with her, and she did nothing wrong. Neither did I. But making her understand that, and not doubt it, or herself, is another thing altogether. And even if I do succeed in making her world so full of love that she never misses her dad, I ache thinking that she might feel left out in school, or miss out on some experience her friends will have. I don't want my girl to miss out on anything, and I feel like a complete dumbass for starting her precious life at a disadvantage. When I think about her being disappointed or insecure, because of her dad, it just breaks me down.
So yeah, yesterday brought up a lot of feelings for me, and I'm still feeling pretty sad.
Big hugs, Mama. I remember an extended time where those thoughts were at the fore of my brain. "Nobody *made* me do it. It's not like I was pregnant and we *had* to get married. Definitely wasn't an *arranged* marriage. Nobody held a gun to my head. What the hell was I thinking?!?" Etc., etc., and blah blah blah. But the thing is, I did come up with my answers. Probably not the same as yours. I hope you find yours. It won't make everything alright, but in my case it helped me not make that same mistake again.
ReplyDeleteI really hope I have learned from this, Shan. Thanks for sharing your experience. To paraphrase/co-opt "Go the Fuck to Sleep" I can do so much well, why the fuck can't I be a better judge of character?
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