As soon as she could voice an opinion, Gumball did.
Immediately, she renamed herself. At Disney, she was "Gator Gumball." Ride attendants and staff would call her "Princess," and my dear Gumball would scowl and say, "I'm NOT Princess. I'm Gator Gumbo!" In the absolute most offended, indignant way possible.
Now she is "Tractor Dump Truck." She recently told me that her name is actually Tractor Garbage Truck Dump Truck." Sometimes she corrects me when I call her by her given name.
Funny enough, or not, that's also what she wants to be for Halloween. A garbage truck. How do I make a garbage truck costume that my opinionated daughter will wear?
My little baby Gumball started pre-preschool this fall. She has bravely spent 12 hours a week with 9 other kids. She is the youngest in the class, and so shy and quiet. My heart breaks leaving her each day, but the time apart has been good for the both of us. I've enjoyed learning how to can, and then canning every goddamn thing in sight. Grocery shopping alone is wonderful and uplifting. On Fridays, I've even started horseback riding lessons. Riding a horse makes me feel fully alive. I love it so much.
I broke up with the nicest man ever. He cried three times in eleven dates. I couldn't take it. I felt like I had to be strong all the time, and the pressure was too much for me. I don't want a knight on a white horse. I'm not waiting to be rescued. I cannot take on that sort of responsibility. But he was awfully sweet.
The sweetest smelling man/boy ever has gone away. His absence hurts my heart. It really fucked me up when he told me that he loved me. I give my love freely, but never lightly. For him, "love" means something more like, "I think you're a cool person. Sort of. And I like you, a little bit, for the moment." I miss his smell, his backrubs, the way I felt in his arms, and the freeness I felt in his presence. But his selfish, immature ways, his childish cruelty, and his need to be with every woman he meets is just too much for me. He is toxic for me, but I miss him daily.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Pessimism
Tonight, we had a family meeting at Gumball's school. I wonder how many years it will take before I can introduce myself as Gumball's mom, without shrinking inside over the empty space where I should be introducing her dad. It hurts.
I'm feeling pessimistic.
Crabby.
Exhausted.
Lonely.
Men are endlessly disappointing, even when my expectations are lowered.
I'm feeling pessimistic.
Crabby.
Exhausted.
Lonely.
Men are endlessly disappointing, even when my expectations are lowered.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Summer Loving
I've gone on many dates this summer. With several different kind, intelligent, unique, beautiful men.
Yes, men. No women. Why? No reason. No women wrote me back on the online dating sites. Disappointing, but out of my control.
With the first days of September already passing by, and Gumball with all of 12 hours of pre-pre-school under her tiny, little belt, I feel like summer is over. And with it, my carefree summer days and nights of hand-holding, first kisses, dirty texts, getting to know each other, long emails, and late night phone calls.
I met two particularly lovely men. Each with gorgeous souls. Each one perfect on his own. If I could combine them, I would have the perfect man for me. I think. Perfect. The one: tender, arrogant, wide-eyed, childish, impractical, obstinate, selfish, thoughtless, loving, filled with curiosity and wonder. He smells like sunshine, and his kisses make me melt. He doesn't want to date, just wants to be with whomever he chooses. And apparently, he chooses a lot. The other: considerate, kind, thoughtful, raw, messy, playful, giving, funny, hurting, lovely... and the best daddy-figure I've seen. Yes, daddy-ness factors in, somehow, some where. I don't know what weight to give it, or how to think of it, but I know that I want my Gumball to have a mom who is happy and fulfilled in a relationship, and I want her to have a father-figure someday. Shouldn't I be the one to provide her with the best life possible? Doesn't that include two parents? He wants to date me, and brings me flowers and beer. He writes me poems, and rubs my feet. But he is still a mess about his ruined marriage, and I feel like if I leaned on him, he would collapse. And yet...
At this point, I feel unsure about what it is that I want. Unsure about how to proceed.
God, somedays I feel like a failure as a parent, and a failure as a person.
I know what I would do if I was 25 and child free. I think know what I'd do if I were 45. But now? I don't know what to do. I'm scared that I've met the most perfect man for me, and may be about to let him go. Or not? I don't know.
Yes, men. No women. Why? No reason. No women wrote me back on the online dating sites. Disappointing, but out of my control.
With the first days of September already passing by, and Gumball with all of 12 hours of pre-pre-school under her tiny, little belt, I feel like summer is over. And with it, my carefree summer days and nights of hand-holding, first kisses, dirty texts, getting to know each other, long emails, and late night phone calls.
I met two particularly lovely men. Each with gorgeous souls. Each one perfect on his own. If I could combine them, I would have the perfect man for me. I think. Perfect. The one: tender, arrogant, wide-eyed, childish, impractical, obstinate, selfish, thoughtless, loving, filled with curiosity and wonder. He smells like sunshine, and his kisses make me melt. He doesn't want to date, just wants to be with whomever he chooses. And apparently, he chooses a lot. The other: considerate, kind, thoughtful, raw, messy, playful, giving, funny, hurting, lovely... and the best daddy-figure I've seen. Yes, daddy-ness factors in, somehow, some where. I don't know what weight to give it, or how to think of it, but I know that I want my Gumball to have a mom who is happy and fulfilled in a relationship, and I want her to have a father-figure someday. Shouldn't I be the one to provide her with the best life possible? Doesn't that include two parents? He wants to date me, and brings me flowers and beer. He writes me poems, and rubs my feet. But he is still a mess about his ruined marriage, and I feel like if I leaned on him, he would collapse. And yet...
At this point, I feel unsure about what it is that I want. Unsure about how to proceed.
God, somedays I feel like a failure as a parent, and a failure as a person.
I know what I would do if I was 25 and child free. I think know what I'd do if I were 45. But now? I don't know what to do. I'm scared that I've met the most perfect man for me, and may be about to let him go. Or not? I don't know.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Re-entry: Taking it One Stupid Question at a Time
A. What are your favorite smells?
B. Can you go a whole day without caffeine?
C. Who knows more about you than anyone else?
D. What song did you last listen to?
E. Do you have a crush on anybody?
F. Do you like The Beatles?
G. If you could choose one color to wear for a whole year, what color would you choose?
H. Do you cook often?
I. What was the last film you watched? Did you like it?
J. Can you sew?
K. What is your favorite fruit?
L. Are you health conscious?
M. Go do the Kinsey scale test, what number result did you receive?
N. Do you curse a lot?
O. When was the last time you had a pint of beer?
P. Are you pro life or pro choice?
Q. Is there a certain food you often crave for no reason?
R. What was the last book you purchased?
S. Where was your last vacation?
T. Do you shave your pits?
U. Did you ever play seven minutes in heaven?
V. Girls, when was the last time you went out without a bra?
W. Guys, when was the last time you went shirtless in public?
X. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how did it happen?
Y. How do you like your eggs?
Z. What was your last argument about and who with?
A friend reminded me that I haven't been writing much. It's good to be missed, and I needed the reminder. She said something about answering questions, and that sounded like an easy way to get my mind back into writing. So here I am.
Summer is always busy for me. I have this irrepressible urge, that all Northerners know, to spend every sunny moment outside. If it's warm, and sunny, I'm probably near water. As naked as public standards allow, glistening with sunscreen and (probably) bacon fat, and chasing my half naked kid around, holding her bathing suit bottoms and screaming, "Gumball, STOP! Mama said stop!"
Kid, summer, trips, friends, dates, gardening, and cooking. It's been a joyous summer.
A. My favorite smells: my daughter's head, freshly mowed grass, the ocean, and Marc Jacob's Lola.
B. Caffeine: I regularly go entire days with no caffeine. I like coffee, but caffeine doesn't like me to sleep. As it turns out, I am very sensitive to caffeine. Give me a delicious iced coffee (double skim, 1/2 decaf) and I'm the life of the goddamned party. As long as you like sweaty fools.
C. Who knows me the best: I'm an open book. I don't feel a lot of shame about my choices. I try to live with a clear conscience and clear heart. I think quite a few people know me very well, but my mom knows me the best.
D. I last listened to "Dancing Queen" by Abba, bc I'm trying to load CDs into iTunes as I write.
E. Do I have a crush on anybody? For fucks sake. I'm 38. I have crushes on everybody!
F. I prefer the Stones to the Beatles.
G. If I had to wear one color for a year, it would be black. Simply bc it would be very hard to match colors. Non matching colors drive me crazy. Plus- I'd always look more dressed up than anyone else.
H. Do I cook often? Yes. Constantly. I love cooking. It's one of the ways I express myself.
I. The last film I watched was "World's End." I loved it. It's hysterical and dark and sweet.
J. Can I sew? Depends on your definition of "sew." I bought a bunch of fabric this summer, and planned on sewing lots of skirts. Maybe I'll make fall skirts.
K. My favorite fruit is mango. Followed by nectarines, strawberries, blueberries, and cantaloupe. I hate pears. Gross!Who enjoys a fruit with sand built-in?
L. Am I health conscious? Yes. Surprisingly health conscious for a fat person. I eat very well, and exercise regularly.
M. I think I'm pretty much in the middle of the Kinsey scale. I've answered questions before that indicated as much. Right now, I find myself more attracted to men. I sort of think it has to do with a couple of things though, none of which have to do with my sexuality. I'm not looking for a father for my Gumball, but I wish she had one. I think that affects who I'm attracted to.
N. Do I curse a lot? Depends on your definition of "a lot." I love cursing. The other day, a friend posted a meme on my wall in Facebook that said, "After four drinks I start using "fuck" like a coma." I think that's pretty appropriate.
O. The last beer I had was the night before last. Pumpkin Spice.
P. I am adamantly pro-choice. That way, we are all allowed to have our own opinions and make appropriate choices concerning our own health care needs. Choice. I'm also unapologetically feminist through and through.
Q. I crave all fatty, salty foods. All the time.
R. The last book I purchased was "Broken Harbor" by Tana French. I love her so much.
S. My last vacation, about 2 weeks ago, was a 3 night, 4 day trip to York, Maine with my dear friend and our kids. We ate 16 lobsters in 4 days and I gained back 4 lbs.
T. Yes.
U. No.
V. Not recently. Post breastfeeding, my nipples could cut through glass and need to be contained. Plus, I love lacy, fancy bras.
W. N/A
X. When I was 14, I broke my little toe by kicking a dresser while wrestling with a friend. Epitome of dumb.
Y. Over medium.
Z. My last argument was with the sweet-smelling, beautiful boy I used to spend time with. I was rude about music he likes, and then compared him to an Avril Lavigne song. Burn...
B. Can you go a whole day without caffeine?
C. Who knows more about you than anyone else?
D. What song did you last listen to?
E. Do you have a crush on anybody?
F. Do you like The Beatles?
G. If you could choose one color to wear for a whole year, what color would you choose?
H. Do you cook often?
I. What was the last film you watched? Did you like it?
J. Can you sew?
K. What is your favorite fruit?
L. Are you health conscious?
M. Go do the Kinsey scale test, what number result did you receive?
N. Do you curse a lot?
O. When was the last time you had a pint of beer?
P. Are you pro life or pro choice?
Q. Is there a certain food you often crave for no reason?
R. What was the last book you purchased?
S. Where was your last vacation?
T. Do you shave your pits?
U. Did you ever play seven minutes in heaven?
V. Girls, when was the last time you went out without a bra?
W. Guys, when was the last time you went shirtless in public?
X. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how did it happen?
Y. How do you like your eggs?
Z. What was your last argument about and who with?
A friend reminded me that I haven't been writing much. It's good to be missed, and I needed the reminder. She said something about answering questions, and that sounded like an easy way to get my mind back into writing. So here I am.
Summer is always busy for me. I have this irrepressible urge, that all Northerners know, to spend every sunny moment outside. If it's warm, and sunny, I'm probably near water. As naked as public standards allow, glistening with sunscreen and (probably) bacon fat, and chasing my half naked kid around, holding her bathing suit bottoms and screaming, "Gumball, STOP! Mama said stop!"
Kid, summer, trips, friends, dates, gardening, and cooking. It's been a joyous summer.
A. My favorite smells: my daughter's head, freshly mowed grass, the ocean, and Marc Jacob's Lola.
B. Caffeine: I regularly go entire days with no caffeine. I like coffee, but caffeine doesn't like me to sleep. As it turns out, I am very sensitive to caffeine. Give me a delicious iced coffee (double skim, 1/2 decaf) and I'm the life of the goddamned party. As long as you like sweaty fools.
C. Who knows me the best: I'm an open book. I don't feel a lot of shame about my choices. I try to live with a clear conscience and clear heart. I think quite a few people know me very well, but my mom knows me the best.
D. I last listened to "Dancing Queen" by Abba, bc I'm trying to load CDs into iTunes as I write.
E. Do I have a crush on anybody? For fucks sake. I'm 38. I have crushes on everybody!
F. I prefer the Stones to the Beatles.
G. If I had to wear one color for a year, it would be black. Simply bc it would be very hard to match colors. Non matching colors drive me crazy. Plus- I'd always look more dressed up than anyone else.
H. Do I cook often? Yes. Constantly. I love cooking. It's one of the ways I express myself.
I. The last film I watched was "World's End." I loved it. It's hysterical and dark and sweet.
J. Can I sew? Depends on your definition of "sew." I bought a bunch of fabric this summer, and planned on sewing lots of skirts. Maybe I'll make fall skirts.
K. My favorite fruit is mango. Followed by nectarines, strawberries, blueberries, and cantaloupe. I hate pears. Gross!Who enjoys a fruit with sand built-in?
L. Am I health conscious? Yes. Surprisingly health conscious for a fat person. I eat very well, and exercise regularly.
M. I think I'm pretty much in the middle of the Kinsey scale. I've answered questions before that indicated as much. Right now, I find myself more attracted to men. I sort of think it has to do with a couple of things though, none of which have to do with my sexuality. I'm not looking for a father for my Gumball, but I wish she had one. I think that affects who I'm attracted to.
N. Do I curse a lot? Depends on your definition of "a lot." I love cursing. The other day, a friend posted a meme on my wall in Facebook that said, "After four drinks I start using "fuck" like a coma." I think that's pretty appropriate.
O. The last beer I had was the night before last. Pumpkin Spice.
P. I am adamantly pro-choice. That way, we are all allowed to have our own opinions and make appropriate choices concerning our own health care needs. Choice. I'm also unapologetically feminist through and through.
Q. I crave all fatty, salty foods. All the time.
R. The last book I purchased was "Broken Harbor" by Tana French. I love her so much.
S. My last vacation, about 2 weeks ago, was a 3 night, 4 day trip to York, Maine with my dear friend and our kids. We ate 16 lobsters in 4 days and I gained back 4 lbs.
T. Yes.
U. No.
V. Not recently. Post breastfeeding, my nipples could cut through glass and need to be contained. Plus, I love lacy, fancy bras.
W. N/A
X. When I was 14, I broke my little toe by kicking a dresser while wrestling with a friend. Epitome of dumb.
Y. Over medium.
Z. My last argument was with the sweet-smelling, beautiful boy I used to spend time with. I was rude about music he likes, and then compared him to an Avril Lavigne song. Burn...
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