Mother's Day

The last time I wrote, excitement and hope were percolating inside me, dripping and splashing, bc I was chatting with a chef online. I was excited bc it seemed like he and I had a whole lot in common. The day after I wrote, I was curious about why the chef hadn't responded to my last message. So I looked at his Facebook page. And... he unfriended me! It really crushed me, for about 12 hours. I'm over it now, but really? Who does that? Fool. It's totally his loss.

This week, the weather was spectacular and we spent every possible moment outside. Gumball loves playing in the dirt, making nests and houses for sticks and pinecones. Picking dandelions. If she gives me one, she says "and no moh." And she laughs about it. If I stop weeding, chasing her, and building houses, and try to lie down for a minutes in the sun, she jumps on my back and bounces around like I'm a trampoline. Sometimes I sneak some cuddles and kisses, but mostly she piles leaves on my head and tries to break my back.

Gumball has been a little... spicy lately. Full of chat, vigorous, and not at all helpful. Worst of all, she doesn't flinch when I threaten a time out, so I've had to follow through with several time outs in the past few days. She also finally discovered that she could get off her mattress at night. She likes to get out of bed, face the video monitor, and talk to me. It's very creepy. I don't know how she knows to do that. Also, I have the cheapest video monitor available, and I can't respond to her. It drives me nuts when she wants to play all night. I am wondering if it would be a good time to eliminate nap, but I so DO NOT want that to happen. I need my afternoon nap/rest/free time. Nap is the only thing keeping me from letting Gumball watch tv, I think.

Today is Mother's Day. Mother's Day is bittersweet for me. I have a mom, who deserves to be celebrated and pampered more than anyone I know. I have a toddler, who requires constant care and attention. So I do my best to make my mom feel special, and continue with my regular obligations. I know this is a Hallmark holiday, designed to make all of us feel inadequate and dissatisfied, but I so rarely hear praise about my mothering, or receive any sort of recognition for all that I do, that this holiday fills me with bitterness and sorrow for all the love and support that I don't get. I am reminded, too, of the way my ex would always buy at least a card for his ex (and current) and how I thought he was so thoughtful to treat her so well. That is bc I am a fool. All his talk about appreciating her for raising his sons. And he has never once tried to see his daughter, or done anything for her mother, me.

Despite this, I had a wonderful day today. My brother, S, was visiting. He gave me a beautiful card and told me how proud he was of me and what a good mom I am. Then my mom came over with a cake, and chocolate covered strawberries that she made for me. And presents. Then we all went out to lunch, and when we came home, we worked on the garden for a little bit, and then Gumball and I took a long nap together.

I am lucky, and blessed, to have such an amazing mother, and such a wonderful (spicy) kid.

Brain Dump

I've been neglecting the blog, in part, bc I've been busy. I decided to add another exercise class to my routine. Pilates. Or, as I like to think of it, the most pain I've ever enjoyed. The class is brutal. I love it. I am the weakest in the class, the least coordinated, and I have also fallen over several times while attempting different maneuvers. Natural born athlete here. The only result I've seen so far, however, is a vast increase in appetite. I've been starving, and all I want to do is eat and eat. Which has helped stabilize the 5 lbs I gained back. Total weight loss= 13lbs. I am determined the lose the 5lbs (again) and then continue to lose some more.

I also haven't been writing bc I had another moment where I was questioning why I write, and what it means when someone I know but prefer not to share my life with discovers this blog. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Silencing. But... as long as I am honest with, and accountable to, myself, I will continue to write. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to hide.

So, I took my Gumball to Disney World. I had never been before, and couldn't even imagine how delightful it could be. It was extremely delightful. Gumball and I had a wonderful time. We loved spending time with my aunt, C, and my glorious ex-neighbor and best friend, J. We loved the rides, and the weather, and the walking, and Gumball loved the food. She has terrible taste. I was touched, moved to tears, in fact, when Pluto spent 7-10 minutes playing with my girl. She totally fell in love with him. It sounds like a small thing, but when anyone takes the time to make my kid experience true joy, it feels like my heart becomes too big to stay inside of my body. I felt that way a lot at Disney- seeing how Gumball reacted with open-mouthed excitement about everything. She didn't cry for a week. She danced, sang, shouted "HERE WE GO!" when we boarded every ride, bus, and plane. She was patient and pleasant for the entire trip, even at 4:30am, when we had to wake to catch our flight home.

What else can I say? I've been feeling happy, but wishing I could find someone to share this happiness with. I've been emailing with someone who I wish would become more than a goddamn penpal. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted.