Signs of an Eminent Apocalypse

Something's kind of fishy around here.

I'm not at all sure what happened, but maybe the Mayans were on the right track. Is the end nigh? The following suspicious activities occurred:

1. (With help) I reorganized my closet.

2. Gumball took a 3 hour and 15 minute nap today.

3. I went on an amazing date last night. With the owner of the hilarious, clever profile. And it was wonderful. We had a beer, ate some fried mushrooms, talked, flirted, and kissed. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

Signed
- Happily waiting for the damn asteroid

Banking on Humiliation

Today I went to the bank to open a new account. It was taking a long time, and I had errands to run. The lovely, kind bank accounts manager kept trying to give me brochures and pamphlets. That I didn't want.

Then he brought me my new ATM card. And one of those neat, little envelopes that they come in. He referred to it as a "protective sleeve." Then I did it. I asked him "if he puts his stuff in a protective sleeve."

As the last words slipped out of my mouth, I caught myself. And said, "Oh, that sounds awful! Please don't answer me."

We had a good laugh, as the heat of complete and total mortification lit up my face like a beacon. I couldn't even look him in the face for the rest of our meeting.

Internet "Dating"

Internet "dating" sucks.

I say "dating" bc no actual dates have yet to occur. It's very confusing to me. There have been 5 or 6 people who've written me, asked me out, given me personal email addresses, or phone numbers, or whatever- only to drop off the face of the earth. I just don't get it. How could a fat, out of shape, stay at home mom to a toddler NOT be hot fucking shit in the dating world? Geez.

I just got yet another phone number though. I have a wicked crush on this guy's online dating profile. It's probably nothing. In fact, he'll certainly blow me off as soon as I write this. Oh well. Let me share some of his profile.

This is how he describes himself:

I garb myself in clothing that denotes me as trendy, cool and independent. My car indicates to the casual observer that I'm socially cognizant, yet tasteful. My degree reminds me that I am certified by the appropriate authorities as educated. I read weighty books in public so that passersby will think me cerebral. I surround myself with the accouterments our society demands of us to define ourselves. I have spent much time researching what the trend-setters, the intelligencia and the marketers have anointed as self-image short-cuts. I have taken great pains and spent much money to use these marketing gimmicks and intellectual code words to craft the persona I wish the world to perceive. Only to be forced to fit this carefully postured facade and orgy of self-absorption into a few short sentences? I think not. 

Dear reader, do you now lust after his online dating profile too? This is what he says he's really good at:
Boasting about how I'm really good at things at which I'm marginally above average at best. And I heard that you're really good at that too--Props.

Being a ray of fucking sunshine. 

Squeee!!!!

And this one last little bit:

And... How exactly does one "set fire to the rain"? What the fuck is she talking about? Where do they get they get these lyrics, high school freshmen?

OMG. If I could do dirty things to this profile, I totally would. Sadly, just like every other online dating profile, there's probably a broken, sad, guy, who's not ready to date bc he's still living with his wife. Or his mom. Whatever.

Wahhhhh!

December 2011- February 2012 Photo Bomb