So, I stopped writing. There was no main reason for not writing, but more like a collection of small, nagging reasons.
But, predictably, life goes on. Gumball and I lost her dear grandfather. He was a tremendous man, and there was a lot of love and respect between us. He was one of the good ones. A man I was honored to know for the very little time we had together. Strong, Lila loved him too, and now I worry even more that she has no male figures in her life. I'm an only child. I can do a lot for my child, but I don't seem to be able to make there be any male role models in her life. This terrifies me.
Gumball is fiercely independent. I was _not_ expecting her 4th year to be like this. She is willful, tender, loving, mean, and refuses to do things that don't appeal to her. While I know this independence will serve her well, as a woman, it makes it extremely challenging to parent her. I've tried everything, and I often feel like I'm sinking. Some days, Gumball is an angel. Sweet, loving, patient, helpful. Other days, I don't even have the strength of will to consistently, lovingly discipline her. Her will is much, much stronger than mine. I'm depleted.
I feel like my will is waning. I want to let go of this bitterness growing inside me. I feel like I lost my joy, and don't know how to find it. The facile answer is to embrace gratitude. I am so grateful. I have so much to be grateful for... and every day I feel so lucky to be able to have a healthy, happy, little rebellious asshole of a daughter. A warm, safe, pretty place to live. Friends. The ability to stay home during this time. Owning and living my gratitude doesn't make me smile. Doesn't make me smile or laugh. To be honest, I haven't felt happy in months. Am I depressed? Do I need to be back on medication? Or is it the rational response to a lousy situation? Who knows...
