Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Fishing

I really hate when people are all vague about things. I always, always want to know. No matter what it is, I want to know. Not knowing is the worst kind of torture. Really.


Anyhow, my mom went to her doctor (without telling me) for shortness of breath (that she didn't tell me about.) They did an x-ray, and found a spot on her lung. She's going for a CAT scan this Friday. I am petrified.


I can only imagine one thing worse than my mom being sick; my baby being sick. I'd take any sickness for either of them, if I could.


In other news? Online dating really sucks, especially when you're 50lbs overweight, 37, honest, and mom to a toddler. I am dating kryptonite.


And Gumball has her first earache. Poor kid.

Monday, January 30, 2012

And Yet Further Bullshit

Sorry for the prolonged absence. I've been busy. Cooking a lot, including this:
BLT Brisket, and this
Buffalo Chicken Cupcakes, and this
Thai Green Papaya Salad, and this
Buttermilk Roast Chicken, and this
Senate Bean Soup.

All successes, all with minor and major changes.

Poor little Gumball has been sick. At first, I thought it was teething. She appears to be getting all four canines right now. Before any molars. Drooling, in pain, miserable. Crying, tantrum-ing, and being a total pill. I've been reading to her for up to 2 hours a day. There are certain books that I pretty much want to burn at this point. Being read to soothes her, so I'm happy to do it for my poor sick chickadee.

Man, I am trying so hard to stay positive. Really hard. I bought a plane ticket to Chicago for my dear friend's baby shower. Yay! Scared, and not totally sure if I'll actually make it, but trying hard. And despite my apparently limitless jealousy, I am so thrilled for my other friend, who is newly pregnant.

If I had written this post yesterday, I would have said how disappointed I am about online dating. I have put myself out there. I've contacted probably 50 people. I read their profiles, find things we have in common, and concoct some sort of comments and questions. I think I've heard back from maybe 6 people. Total. Only 3 were actually interested in exchanging messages with me. The other 3 were writing to say "not interested." I have also received messages from several couples looking for a third (god no), 5 or 6 old old old men, and 2 "holy shit that's young" young men. W. T. F.

Anyhow, that was yesterday. Today, I really don't care anymore. I'm not ready to talk about it (per usual, I'd probably just cry) but I got some very, very bad news today. Not about my health, or Gumball's health, but something so heart sinkingly terrible and terrifying that I feel paralyzed. Scary stuff, this "being an adult" crap.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Sick

Sick, or in other words; When Our Beloved Heroine Eats Crow



I woke up this morning sick. Really sick. I felt so dizzy and nauseous that I could barely move. When Gumball started squawking at 6:45, I was afraid to pick her up, afraid that I would drop her. And terrified to walk us down a flight of stairs. I changed her, gave her some Tylenol in case of teething, and put her back to bed. I stumbled back to bed, praying Gumball would give me an hour to pull myself together. 10 minutes later, she was standing, shrieking, demanding attention. I had to call my mom, and she was here 30 minutes later. I spent the entire day in bed, sleeping and gagging, on and off.

My mom entertained Gumball, fed her three meals and a snack, changed diapers, got Gumball to nap, and made us dinner.

My mom is my lifesaver, once again.

I will eat crow for a long time. She can give me all the celebrity stylist parenting advice in the world.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Annoyed

Just a little vent.

I am annoyed. Very anxious, like usual, and also annoyed.

Tonight, my mom watched Gumball. We're trying to see if it would be possible for Nana to watch Gumball so I can go to my dear friend's babyshower. Also, my 15 hour a week nanny has been sick this week. So, no nanny, and no Nana, would equal no Zumba. I've been very grateful for my mom's help. Tuesday night went well, sort of. Mom tried to put Gumball to bed, totally did not follow my usual routine (which she consistently dismisses outright.) Thus, Gumball screamed and sobbed until I came to her. Moderate failure.

Tonight, when I got home, mom and Gumball were upstairs, reading. Mom says, "Gumball didn't do well at dinner." What does this mean, exactly? It means that Gumball didn't want any chicken pot pie. And she didn't want her babyfood, or yogurt. Mom tried to feed her, and managed to get about 3 oz of baby food, and 6 bites of chicken into her. Let's compare. Last night, Gumball ate an entire drumstick, 6 oz of baby food, and 4 oz of yogurt. When I tried to explain to my mom how Gumball needs to eat more, and how worried I am, she stormed off and went home.

Oh and the postscript to this story? 90 minutes after bedtime, Gumball is tossing and turning, sitting up, standing, talking... and not crying and not sleeping. I'm an anxious mess. I have a feeling that it's going to be a very long night. Hope not.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Amazing Meals

I've been cooking a lot. I think I'm falling in love with my crock pot. First, I made French onion soup. Cut about 6lbs of onions. Added a stick of butter and a cup of red wine. Cooked in the crock pot for about 8 hours. (Resumed cooking the following day.) Added 2 boxes of beef stock, and about another cup of wine, and maybe 1/4 cup of sherry. And some salt. And 2 lbs of stew beef. Cooked for about 4  more hours. Amazing.

Tonight, I made an even better meal. Collards. I added 2 giant bags of pre-chopped collards, 3 ham hocks (for flavor), cumin, celery salt, old bay seasoning (just a little), and a ton of pepper. Crammed it all into the crock pot. Added about a cup or 2 of water. Cooked for 5 hours. Aaaaahhhhh-mazing! I can't believe how incredible it was, with a little vinegar and Tabasco.

I am the best cook ever.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Cream of Butternut Squash Soup

I made this soup again. I figure if I write about it, I'll remember how to make it. I made it in the crock pot too! (Shan- take note! It was even better!)

Peel, seed and cube one or 2 butternut squashes.
Mince 2 onions
1 stick of butter
cream
chicken stock
tumeric
ginger
salt

I put butter, onions, and squash into the crock pot. In this order. Added about a cup of chicken broth. Cooked on high for 3.5 hours. Added remaining chicken broth (1 entire box of broth, in total) and about 2 cups of cream. Added seasonings to taste. Used immersion blender to blend ingredients. Cooked for another hour.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Swim Girls

I love the Swim Girls, and also the little swimmers.

Let me explain. 

Gumball and I have been doing a Parent and Me "swim" class since we moved here. Session after session. She was six months old when we started the class. A tiny, little, giant peanut. The class isn't swim training, exactly. Not in the way I envisioned swim training. Not yet anyhow. Mostly, we move around in the pool, splash and sing. We sing the Hokey Pokey, Grand Old Duke of York, etc. Lately, we've even tried dunking the kids under water. Except for the dunking, the kids adore every moment. They tolerate the dunking though. Not like they exactly have a say in the matter. The teacher is terrific too- funny, kind and as neurotic as the rest of us. A lovely person. Despite the indignity of getting my winter-white cellulite into a bathing suit, and parading around, wet and cold while I quickly dress Gumball, I love the class. And even more than the class itself, I love the other women who attend the class.

These women, and their kids, are indescribably awesome. Fun, smart, thoughtful, generous, beautiful, hilarious, and great moms. Really. Their kids (our kids?) are all geniuses, each one totally gorgeous and sweet and kind. Gumball and I are so lucky to have these people in our lives. It is an incredible pleasure to spend time with these adults and kids.

Today, we were in-between swimming sessions. So we went to a local aquarium. Almost all native fish, frogs, turtles, and plants. The kids had a blast. Gumball was so excited to see her best friend, M, that she screamed and shouted and ran around, falling and shrieking, like a little drunk party girl. These girls love each other, even though they rarely directly interact. It is hilarious and adorable to see them together.

It was a great day. Even though Gumball napped in the car on the way home, and then pooped 3 separate times during her "nap" which essentially ensured that she slept not a wink. And even though I didn't get my much-needed afternoon nap, and gave Gumball a fried egg for dinner (along with her regular foods.) A terrific day.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Resolved

Well, I may be up to 25% asshole, but today, I'm ok with that. I'll work on it, but at least I'm not jealous or crying. I really want to be a better person, and will continue to try to be that.

One good thing- yesterday I made some incredible pulled pork in my slow cooker. I used this recipe. Effing amazing. Really, really delicious. I also made my mom's coleslaw. Here's how I make that:

For 1/2 a head of cabbage, I used (amounts all guesses)
- 3/4 cup sour cream
- 1/2 mayo
- black peper
- raw garlic, minced finely
- tabasco
- salt


It is better the second day, and lasts really well.

One event I haven't known how to write about yet, is that I got into a parenting disagreement with someone I recently met. I won't go into too many details about that, to be respectful to all parties involved, but to summarize, I made some unfavorable observations about my new acquaintance's disciplining techniques. Or, her lack thereof. In a nutshell, her adorable kid was attacking and hurting other kids, including Gumball and her friends. I was feeling guilty every time he hurt her, feeling like I should have been able to protect her better. She is so sensitive that she cries if I say "no" too harshly, so I really have no idea about disciplining toddlers. Anyhow, in my typical subtle and delicate way (HA! Hahahahahaha! HA!) I addressed the problem, and at the same time managed to offend this new acquaintance to the point where she no longer wants to be friends with me. Kind of uncomfortable, and awkward, and in retrospect, I wish I had handled it differently. Although I am honestly unsure how I could have handled it differently. I weighed Gumball being hurt, and certain friends of hers not wanting to continue to attend group get-togethers, with the chance I might hurt and offend. Parenting is hard, man!

I am, however, proud that I spoke up.

This experience may be evidence of my 25%. Or of the opposing 75%. Who knows?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

5 to 10 Percent Rotten

I was really sad today. I feel lonely. I miss my Massachusetts friends, and my friends who are all over. I miss feeling like my "all over" friends are a short plane ride away. From VT, no plane ride is short. I am still so scared to travel with Gumball. She did great when we went to MA, but alone- how will I go to the bathroom? How can I get her to sleep without her fan, blackout shades, and strict evening ritual? What if I need something? What if she needs something?

Anyhow, I really want to go to my friend's baby shower. I want to see her pregnant, and hang out with her and my other girlfriends. I miss them. So much. The logistics of the trip were really overwhelming to me. I was totally on the fence, but still hopeful and genuinely considering it. Then, I found out that I would be the only one bringing a kid. What a drag.

I don't want to go into the details of what made me feel so awful about this. That's the downside of sharing my navel-gazing with my real life friends. I don't want anything I write about to influence my real life relationships. I love my friends, and truly celebrate their successes and happiness. It's also true though; I'm a weak person, and sometimes my jealousy gets the better of me. I am a rotten enough person that occasionally, my friends' lives make me feel bitter, jealous and petty. And today: completely distraught. I pretty much wish all Mother's Days, Valentine's Days, Father's Days, and Sundays would just go away. And date nights, and sleeping in. Don't even get me started on subsequent pregnancies. I am so jealous of all these things that I can't imagine ever having for myself.

Most of the time, maybe 85 to 90% of the time, I am full of genuine happiness for my friends. Life is hard, and when any of my friends achieve something they want, I am really overjoyed for them. I hate the fragments of myself that feel jealousy and bitterness. It is so in conflict with who I am as a person, and who I want to be. Before Gumball was born, I felt this jealousy and bitterness with regards to friends getting pregnant. I tried as hard as I could to keep it in check. And I was pretty good at keeping the bitterness to myself. Most of the time. Now I sometimes feel like the bitterness is overwhelming me.

I want my friends to have every success and happiness in the world. I love them. They deserve it. More than anyone else. I just wonder what is so wrong with me that so much of what I touch turns to complete crap? So, I feel bitter, and then I feel guilty about feeling bitter, and then I beat myself up for not being a good enough person, or a good enough friend. It's a lot of fun.

The idea of being the only person at my friend's baby shower with a kid in tow, is pretty intolerable to me. As intolerable, as missing the shower altogether. I spent the afternoon crying, and feeling sorry for myself. Gumball got about a million rides in her Cozy Coupe, so I could cry in peace, without upsetting her, or scarring her in any way.

So yeah. My point? I have none. I am increasingly getting more and more rotten. I don't like feeling jealous of the people I love.

In other news, tonight was the first night I intentionally skipped Gumball's nightly nursing session. Weaning. I don't want to do it, but it's time. I'll continue to nurse her in the morning for another month or two, but it's ending too. I'm very sad about this. I'll nurse her for 18 months, or so, which was my goal. Gumball has always been a very sweet, considerate nurser. No biting, no nursing strikes, very little pummeling mama in the face with her vicious little fists. Gumball is probably the only child I will nurse, and I am sad that this is coming to an end.

The more I think about it, I might be much more than 5 to 10 percent rotten. Probably closer to 25%. Geez.

Crabby

I am in a WICKED crabby mood right now. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, and our usual favorites: alone and tired. Fucking awesome.

2012, you're officially on notice. You'd better ship up or I'm going back to 2011.