Tired of Repeating Myself

I'm having a really hard time these days. I know it's a part of the cycle of grief, and getting better, and all that bullshit, but I'm tired of being sad. I just wish I could forget Gumball's dad. Stop beating myself up for not being a better single parent. Gumball is thriving. She's healthy and happy. She said "teatop" today, for teapot. She's a genius. She'll be happy and successful even if her dad refuses to be in her life.

I joined a dating site, right? Did I mention this before? Yeah. I had been writing three people for a few weeks. Daily. Smart, nice, clever people. And out of the blue, two of them just stopped writing me. It's not a big deal, but I had this little bubble of excitement and hope, and it's gone now.

It's probably too soon for me to date. I still think about Gumball's dad. I still miss him. I'm not filled with anxiety or sharp grief anymore, but I am lonely. I'm alone, or alone with Gumball most of the day, every day. I just want to cuddle up with someone to watch TV. Or get a hug at the end of the day. I have all these lovely, fun, cool, vibrant new mom friends, and I'm so fucked up and sad that I can barely interact some days. They're pretty forgiving people, but damn, I'm really not the best company these days.

I'm going to Massachusetts soon, to see my friend whose husband died. When we get back, I'm going to start cutting back on the nursing. I still want to nurse Gumball until she's 18 months old, but I'm going to go to two nursing sessions a day soon. It makes me sad, bc I love our special cuddling time. She likes to stop nursing to skewer my eyes, nose, and mouth, saying "EYE," "Nooooooooos," and "mouck." It's just so damn cute. Another selfish reason for not weaning? I nurse her in bed each morning, and get another 45 minutes to doze in bed. I am so tired, all the time.

Thanksgiving Menu

I'm cooking this year, just for me, mom, and Gumball. I am making the following:

- Fresh cranberry sauce
- Mashed potatoes with lots of butter and cream. I will break out the hand mixer even
- Roast brussel sprouts
- Stuffing
- Turkey
- Gravy
- Maybe creamed spinach. Maybe

I bought a pumpkin pie.

What is everyone else having? Please post menus in the comments. I'm nosy, curious, and need a snack immediately.

Grumpy, Lonely and Mean

Title says it all.

I am dreading Thanksgiving. The two years when I had Gumball's dad, my stepsons, and my mom together to share the day with, were absolutely wonderful. Pretty much my idea of a perfect life. And I've been lucky. So many Thanksgivings have been like this- big gatherings of friends and family. Lots of work and noise and food. Laughter.

This year, it's going to be me, mom and Gumball. Some of my friends were supposed to come, but cancelled. I'm cooking a full meal, but I'm a step away from serving frozen pizza.

Really hard to keep my chin up these days. Nothing specific, just lots of small sad things pecking away at me like a flock of zombie chickens.

I Am:

- Tired

- Sick

- Tired of being sick

- Sick of being tired

- Pessimistic

- Proud I finished a session of Zumba and signed up for a second session

- Just as fat as I was prior to taking a Zumba class

- Avoiding my blog bc I want to but feel very sad about having to write another entry about a friend who died. (No, he didn't die this week, but when I wrote about Ray, I realized I also needed to write about Henry too. Men are dropping like flies.)

- Sad

- Realizing that I won't have a date before my birthday

- Worried. I wake up at night worrying about everything

- Reading Young Adult fiction like a fiend. (Loved Hunger Games trilogy, really enjoyed Graceling and Fire, Liking Uglies.)



In a terrible state of snittiness and irritation and self-pity. I'm lonely. I want to be able to order take out (WTF Northern VT. No fucking delivery.)

Gumball isn't napping well at all, and spent about a week waking up once a night. But she's walking all over, like a tiny, drunk midget. She's so much happier now that she can walk. A complete delight. She walks and talks, like a real person! I love her so much, and despite my generally pissy mood, I am completely charmed and in love with her. She is in love with her baby dolls (Dada, and little Dada) and kitty. She already has a wicked sense of humor. Last night I was putting her into her crib- kissing her and telling her how much I love her. And she pushed away from me and said, "bye." I was dismissed.

Another Day

The way my life is going, I'm kind of afraid to write another sad entry, for fear that my sadness will become an overwhelming black hole and devour me, and everyone else up.

The world lost a wonderful man yesterday. My former neighbor. He had successfully defeated cancer, to be wiped out by a sudden blood infection. He was strong, vibrant, and probably arguing with the last breath in his lungs.

This was his profile photo on Facebook. Yes, this 80 year-old had a Facebook account. And an iPhone. My favorite photo of Ray is one that he took. It's of his wife, and grandson, and Jack Nicholas. Yup. When they met (at his grandson's high school graduation in California,) Ray went on and on about how he hates the Lakers. Because he knew Jack was a fan. Just to get under his skin a little. Hilarious.

Ray and I were neighbors for 10 years. We met and became friends because of the incompetent mailman. I kept getting his mail, and he got mine. We complained. Ray loved a good bitch session. Then I met his wife, and his kids, and his grandkids. He was family to me, and he treated me like a daughter. He mowed my lawn in summer, shoveled my paths in winter, drove me to the airport and bus station at the crack of dawn and the middle of the night. We went to restaurants together: Clam Box was his favorite. He even tried to give advice when Gumball wouldn't sleep. When I was insane and terrified to be alone, he went out and bought new locks and changed them at night, so I didn't have to be afraid about Gumball's dad returning. He helped me, listened to me cry, and included me in his family.

He was the sort of man that just doesn't exist any more. A hardass. Completely stubborn in his views, calling all and sundry "assholes" for not agreeing with him. But all the while, defending civil rights for gays and (remember his age) people of other races. He was raised by foster parents, went into the navy, and never got help or love from anyone, when he was a kid. But he worked hard, and made a good life for himself and his family.

I'm blessed to have known such a thoughtful, generous, loving person.

This has been a bad fucking year. I hate cancer.

Halloween and Then Some

First and foremost, I will start this entry by recounting the weeks of festivities surrounding Halloween. And I thought college students made the most of the holiday. Well, Oberlin College students do, at least. Yeah, well, they have nothing going on compared to babies.

Gumball and I, and two mom friends and their four (combined) kids went trick or treating eight days before Halloween. It was fun. I really enjoy these women. Not so fond of my pants. Dear god, do I really look this awful?

Continuing the fanfare, I accidentally celebrated Halloween several days early at playgroup. I'm not naming names, but someone (AHEM!) told me that everyone would be dressing up. So I dutifully stuffed Gumball into her duck costume. Again. And went to playgroup, where she was the only one in costume. Awesome. At least SHE is too young to be embarrassed.

Gumball had two outfits to wear on Halloween day. A daytime tutu and shirt. 

And, you know. The damn duck costume. For night. Again. At night, she also had her friend Kitty with her. And Little Dada, her babydoll. I was pleasantly surprised by how much the kids enjoyed trick or treating. We only went to four or five houses, but Gumball (Duck) and Kitty were smiling and chatting the entire time. I was certain she'd scream and cry, but I lucked out.

 Since I'm sharing photos, I'll share my favorite from my lovely friend C's visit. Last time I saw C, about two years ago, she was engaged. At this visit, I got to meet her charming and thoughtful husband, and their adorable baby. Gumball was a little obsessed with the baby. She basically spent the entire visit staring at him, and rocking him, while he was in the baby rocker. Later on, she enjoyed "being the baby" and rocking in the rocker. What a ham!

Other recent fun events involved a trip to Walmart. It was fun because they have double carts. And the kids didn't mess with each other at all.

 

 I'm doing well. I've received a few texts from Gumball's dad, but even though I miss him, I'm just not able to trust him. He doesn't understand how I can miss and love him, but be completely unwilling to take him back. He must have a piece missing. More to the point, these days, I'm trying to pay more attention to actions. Actions over words. And I really have moved on. Want to know how much I've moved on?

That's right. I joined a dating site.

It's true.

I don't feel like I want anything fast or serious, but I have been exchanging messages with three very interesting people. I may have even suggested a date with one of them.

Back to my goal of having a date while I'm still 36. Seems like it may actually come true.